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What do I do? I find my self trapped in a horrible life. My next door neighbors called the police on my Abf and he got a 2nd DUI, now mind you my neighbors are scum bags but if my A hadn’t been drinking and blew a 2.08 he wouldn’t have gotten a DUI. Now this was a year ago my A started drinking to get off of using drugs he had to substitute that for the H he was using. He has continually got drunk and screamed at my neighbors house at all times of the day and night and been arrested for drunk and disorderly and resisting arrest. Of course this was all the neighbors fault because they called the cops. That was July 5th. 3 weeks ago A smashed up the house in a fit of rage and punched my car and dented it called me horrible names and I went to a hotel I was afraid to stay in the house. He of course apologized for that blah blah blah. Well last week he started screaming at the neighbors again and they called the cops on him and it was an embarrassing mess again no arrest this time. Well yesterday he went to court and found out they were going to nail him to the wall for his 2nd DUI and he freaked and started going crazy when I got home from work at about 5:00 he was dragging his old military uniforms out and the flag so he could burn them in the driveway. Well he did, and was screaming and yelling like he always does. The only thing that slowed him down was the terrible rain storm we had last night. Well I got my earplugs out and tried to use them but he kept coming in the house and slamming the door and swearing at me every 15 minutes and it shook the whole house I only had 3 hours of sleep. I don’t know what to do if we stay in the house he will only continue to go crazy and I don’t know what he might do to the neighbors should I sell our house? Oh I forgot I went through his pants and found a straw so he has been using again after 7 years of trying to get off of it and now has become a A he is still using I cant take it anymore I don’t know what to do. Sorry this is so long. Please advise. Thanks Angie. ( and I do have getting them Sober the book)
What you are going through sounds very familiar, but to a far greater degree, to what I went/am going through.
I suppose the only advice is to ensure you stay safe. We partners of alcoholics tend put up with far more than if they were just unreasonable sob's. We will stick around until the final straw breaks our backs. When that happens go....don't look back. Until then, keep yourself safe. Your priority is you. Your responsibility is you.
Good luck..... and remember, there is always an end to the tunnel you find yourself in.
THis person is a loose cannon. Dangerous and unstable. Even an untrained person can see that clearly. Has it occurred to you that sane people do not behave like he does? You, my dear, need to head for the hills and not look back. I don't think AlAnon was meant to attempt to help you live successfully with this kind of madness and abuse. Why are you with him still? Because you "love" him? You best have a better reason than that, because you are going to end up physically hurt or worse. Do you "love" him enough to perhaps sacrifice your life? You wanted advice; that's mine.
Caring enough to say it as I see it, Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 10:12, 2006-10-03
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
If you had a daughter and she was being treated the way you are, how would you feel? Would you want her to stay in this situation?
Only you can decide whether to stay or go, but from what I have read you are currently blind to the fact that your A is completely out of control and you are being severly emotionaly abused. His behavior is not acceptable regardless of his addiction.
We, as those who love A's, become numb to behavior that others would find deplorable. Step outside of yourself and your relationship and pretend you are reading about someone else. Frankly I am afraid for your safety.
Please seek the help you need to find safety, peace and serenity. Remember, you didn't cause his addiction, you can't change it, and you can't cure it. If you are holding out hope that your presence in his life will facilitate a change in his behavior, the sad reality is that is not true. Take care of yourself and good luck---Babysteps
I'm with Diva for now he is smashing up other things but you could be next. Contact a women's shelter in your area and ask about emergency accommodation just in case you need it. If you have the financial means have a backup plan to get out. Your house is a material possession that can be replaced not nearly as precious as you are. Take Care Luv Leo xx
Read your post again but look at it as if it were written by someone else. Do you really feel this is a safe situation for anyone?
I normally don't give advice on this board or try not to but I'm going to take the exception to the rule here and go for it.
The first thing I would do is kick him out and get a restraining order against him.
Next, I would change all of the locks on the house. If he breaks in file charges against him.
Next, get yourself to a women's shelter and stay there until you are certain that he has been taken care of.
With him tearing up everything there is no way you could sell your house as long as he is out running around waiting to blow again and nobody would want to buy your house anyway for fear he would come back.
What are you waiting for? It's only a matter of time until he takes his rage out on you!
That crap about changing to alcohol to get off of drugs is BS! The worst thing a drug addict can do is take a drink, that's the first step back to active addiction.
The bottom line here is you are not safe where you are at! The decision as to what to do about it is yours but I honestly think you already know the answer to your question, we usually do when we are in crisis we just need to STOP long enough to THINK and then get on with it.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Getting him clean and sober is not going to happen. It is something that has to come within him. At the moment he doesn't sound like he is any where near hitting his knees. Please apply the three C's. I am not sure if you have a sponsor. I don't know if you have started working the steps.
Step One. You are powerless over his drinking, druging, and his behavior. You are not responsible for what another does, says, or thinks. Your life is unmanagable.
In my first step my sponsor had me list a few things. The idea was to get it in writting and see for my very eyes just how insane things were. It became crystal clear. Here are a few of the questions I had to answer:
List 6 things you have done in your relationship- things you feel "normal" people would not do.
List 6 ways you have violated your own value system (Moral Code, respect for others) due to your relationship.
I believe just what our other friends believe. He is off his rocker so to speak and you are in danger. You may think you know him, and think he wouldn't dare cross that line. You are not dealing with the same person though, you are dealing with a person who is very sick and out of control.
In Alanon we do not advise for someone to leave or stay in a relationship with an A. We do come out of the woodworks when someone's life is at risk. I am certain no one person will suggest you say to see what his next stunt will be.
Your house is of little importance at the moment. I hope you don't get caught up in the fact that it is your home and you refuse to leave because you "live there". It is a battle ground at the moment. Family, friends, motels rented by week, or shelters are things I would be looking at for the time being. I may not be comfortable for a while. I would be safe though.
I would hit every available face to face meeting there was at the moment. Face to face would be my best tool at the moment. Human contact.
I am sorry things are so miserable for you right now. It doesn't have to be. (I know, sounds like it is easier said than done) Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are #1 most important. You deserve to have peace, joy, love, and serenity in your life in the healthiest way possible.
the first thing I would suggest is that u find an Al-Anon meeting and start taking care of yourself. And I firmly believe that when they run out of furniture and walls to beat up .
YOUR NEXT. Take care of you . Your living in insanity
I appreciate everyone’s advice I asked for it and you gave it to me. I just want to say this behavior doesn’t happen every day I know that sounds like an excuse and maybe it is but I wouldn’t stay if I felt that afraid. I do agree I am approaching my breaking point and am starting to work on my exit plan one way or another I know that will be the outcome.
We all know it doesn't happen everyday. That is why we stay. Someone on this board recently told me that only your higher power and your higher power can make the decision as to wether you should stay or go. That makes sense to me. I have posted an equally appalling story and yet I am still with my Addict husband. I am with him because I have not yet received the assurance from my maker that it is the time for me to leave. However, I am more watchful and less willing to wait if the event arises that puts me or my children in harms way again. I no longer care about the house nor material things. They truly do not matter. I believe that this disease melts away materialism. They say that the Addict has to hit rock bottom before they are willing to change. I think that is true of us as well. We have to hit bottom before we are willing to give up our codependence. Rock bottom for me was when my husband hit my 18 year old daughter in the face and left me and three kids 800 miles from home with no car and no money. That was my last dance. I am new to alanon and am struggling with making the needed changes in my life. The thing that keeps me coming back, however, is that I am encouraged to consult God in these matters. My God loves me and he loves my A. He is aware of our circumstances and if we are willing to turn our lives to him he will sort out the mess that we have jointly made. I trust that. I can not tell you to stay or go (I can not even give myself that advice). I just know for me I am trying to listen to what God would have me do. I am ready to give my life to him.
Welcome to MIP, glad you are here. I initially read your post and didn't reply because you were asking advice. In alanon we don't give advice. We can offer suggestions or share our own ESH (Experience, Strength, and Hope) . I saw a reply you posted and you said the responses were harsh. Well hun, you asked for adivce and you got it. I haven't read the replies to your original post.
We live in a disease that is cunning and baffling. And sadly without help, many just sink further into it. I know for me it is devestating to watch the disease consume the man that I love. I stay with my husband because I am safe with him and so are our children. The day may come where I will have to ask him to leave for their sake, and they are more important to me than my love for him. I stay because he has not been consumed completely by his disease. His active addiction is not something I want to live with, but I am with an active addict that chooses to stay away from recovery, so there are consequences to my choice.
Hun, there are no easy answers, and I am not qualified to tell you what to do. I have my own issues and have lived in the family disease of alcoholism too long to give you any healthy advice, but once again I was shown that we may come to alanon looking for advice, but we are guided to find our own answers.
I hope you keep coming back. Your answers are out there, you just won't get them from me.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I can't tell you what you should do but I can tell you that you needn't be trapped in this 'lifestyle'. (I use the term loosely as when I was living with active A'ism there was no 'style' and very little 'life'.)
Al-Anon tells us we always have choices, we just may not like them. I am glad to hear that you are formulating an exit-plan. Do whatever is necessary to keep yourself safe. You may not feel your A is violent or likely to hurt you but his actions and behaviour are certainly not those of a sane and reasonable person. This insanity is precisely what makes the situation unpredictable and in my opinion, potentially dangerous. Only you can define the boundaries of what you find acceptable.
My A was not physically or verbally abusive but I personally feel that just living with, coping with and tolerating active addiction is emotionally and mentally abusive. Again, only you will know when you have hit your ultimate bottom.
I made the decision to leave my A when he came home after a 6week disappearance very much the worse for wear. I came out of the bedroom, down the hallway, running off at the mouth and then stopped dead in my tracks! I did not recognise the man standing before me. In that brief moment, I tasted fear and I had to accept that he was so far removed from himself he could hurt me and not even know it. My A never once so much as raised his voice to me, let alone a finger. Once he threw a hi-fi system (which was his);he threw it in frustration because it wouldn't work and he threw it at the floor, not me. I considered this crazy behaviour. He never intentionally smashed up the home though several things were damaged when he fell on them in a drunken stupor. The point I'm trying to make is that he was the last person I'd expect to hurt me physically, regardless of the state he was in. In that moment, in the hallway, I felt my truth. I knew he would never be able to live with his conscience if ever he hurt me so it was as much in his interest as mine that I removed myself from the situation. In some ways, being the more responsible adult I considered it my 'duty' to protect us both. I explained my decision to him as best I could when he had 'come down'/sobered up. It wasn't until years later when he was in recovery that I found out he had no recollection of the incident or the conversation I had with him a few days later proposing our separation. He was in blackout on both occasions and one I thought he was as sober as he was likely to get!
We separated in Aug 1999 but I maintained a contact with him. By Oct 2000 I was sufficiently 'insane' from still being affected by his disease that I found Al-Anon. We subsequently divorced and then eventually reconciled when he found recovery.
Any decision you make does not have to be final. Use the program and the members to support you and help you find insight and the strength to do whatever is in your best interests. Commit to your recovery-for you. Pray for strength, clarity and guidance but in the meantime take care of yourself, keep yourself safe and above all be brutally honest with yourself.
Another thing you could try is to imagine it was your best friend telling her story. How would you feel? What would you think? Would you give her advice and if so what? Can you take your own medicine? Finally, I would suggest you think about why you tolerate this situation. Your own responses may help enlighten you.
You may feel the replies sound harsh but in my opinion they are coming from a place of love and concern. They are all telling you to take care of you...because you're worth it. In Al-Anon we are not meant to give advice except in cases where physical harm may occur. There is even a page about it in the front of 'How Al-Anon Works'. Perhaps you could read it. You still have the option to 'take what you like and leave the rest'.
I have shared my thoughts, opinions and experience with you. I hope you will find your own truth and your own answers. Please keep us posted.
