The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My counselor asked me to do some homework... so I hope you don't mind if I use this board to work on it.
I have been working on accepting that my relationship with my father is not ever going to be what I want it to be. After two years of wondering why -- why is he acting so cold, so insensitive, so uncaring to me and my family... I started (in June) having some suicidal thoughts -- wondering if he'd care -- if he'd cry -- if he'd pay any attention to me if I'd die. Well... now you know why I'm in therapy!
While the crisis has passed (I'm no longer suicidal), I still feel confused, angry, and hurt about my father's lack of attention to me or my children.
My counselor wants me to blast the dream, the myth I have about him -- so I can accept who he really is and not get my feelings hurt anymore.
The dreams I have for being happy one day all have focused on him coming back to our family (he left when I was 6 or 7)... and feeling okay and complete b/c we were a family. As I got older, the dreams of course focused on me getting married, having a happy house and a happy family. Being married to an A -- well, it hasn't been easy and not happy until recently. My counselor said it is not being a child of divorce that causes people like me to have these fantasies and hopes, but kids that have been traumatized and abandoned in their childhood... like I was. She sat across from me last week and told me that my father abandoned me a long time ago. ouch! She said when he started having an affair, he left his wife and his family and me even though he didn't separate from us. When he went out for milk for 3-4 hours and left me alone at home, and I was alone... he had abandoned his responsibility to me to be with her. As I look back over my life, there were so many times he wasn't there for me and I had to stand on my own --
-when I was 12 and my mother was in a near fatal car accident, he left us when she was still in outpatient rehab; when I was 19 and stranded and needed a car battery to go to school, he wouldn't loan me the money or a credit card to get one; when I was 22 and got pregnant, he never offered me any financial support and I had to rely upon friend's parents to care for me -- physically and emotionally and spiritually; when I gave my baby up for adoption, he came to see me once and has barely brought it up since then; when I was 38 and my marriage was in deep trouble and I reached out for help, he gave me some lame advice and never followed up, even with a phone call; when I was 44 (this year) and my husband had a lump in his testicle that had to be removed, my dad said something lame, but didn't offer to help watch my kids or do anything to help me/us. When my child had his tonsils and adenoids out, my dad drove right past our street -- twice! to go to and from my grandmother's house and didn't bother to stop by and check in on my 7 year old. That's just a sampling... Bad father. Bad grandfather.
The reality is, Lee Ann, he did abandon me a long time ago and he has not been there for me all my life... and he hasn't been there for my children. (The only time he has been there for me is when it's been a happy time and very public, like when I got married and all the family and friends were there to watch. One of my husband's family friends said "Your family looks so close. It must be nice." I just smiled... if she only knew... yup. appearances are everything to my father.)
deep sigh... and... he's not changed one bit... no matter what I've tried. I call. I invite (there's always some excuse to not come over). Expensive presents, cheap or homemade presents. No different response. "uh.. thanks. You didn't have to do that." (geez, now, I wish I hadn't!!) Sometimes, I've gotten no response... like when we told him we were giving our second child a middle name after him and his father... a head nod was all I got -- not even a "thank you that's nice". (How cold can a person be???!!!). Whether I bare my soul, whether I try to be friends with his wife and his step son, whether I put myself out there for him... whatever I do -- I have always been disappointed and hurt. He has never risen to meet any normal person's expectations of what one would consider natural or normal. I mean, if my child was single and had gotten pregnant and I know needed help -- I would be offering all kinds of support, money, love, comfort... wouldn't you? If someone told me that they were naming a child after me, I would be so flattered and would say so! If my child's custodial parent was in a near fatal car accident and left disabled and unable to parent, I'd certainly try to figure out some way to make sure the child was feeling secure and taken care of -- not just leave.
He really has been a terrible father and is now a not so hot grandfather. He is not available to us to really be a father or a grandfather. And he hasn't changed one iota in all the years I can remember. And he's not going to change at 72. Sometimes, I feel like telling him "Your lack of attention and love drove me to have suicidal thoughts." But... he probably would just sit there and not say anything. He'd probably have that deer-in-the-headlights look saying, "Oh crap... what do I say now???!!" I hate that look.
The problem is I still love my dad very much. I don't know why. I wish I could have a loving relationship with him, the way we did when we all lived together when I was 4 or 5. I remember he used to call me "kitten." My counselor says I have to expect him to hurt my feelings... I have to expect he will not be there for me... she really wants me to smash this myth that he is a good guy who really loves me deep down... that if only I did this or that that we'd be close and have a loving relationship. She said there is nothing about me I need to change; there is nothing I need to do to get him to care about me... but, my misguided hopes and expectations have to be based in the reality of who he really is -- not what I want him to be. He's made his choice and he's sticking with it -- his history has made that clear.
I need to let go of him... I need to accept that I have no dad (in the sense of a dad, you know, someone who's there for you, your adult friend, someone who supports and guides you, encourages you and helps you).
It's weird to grieve someone when they've not died... I still see my father at family functions.. and occassionally hear from him by phone... I guess I have to work on looking at him in a different way; accepting who is he to me really; and detach with love (Get off his back; Get out of God's way; Get on with my life).
I feel sad that my own father, my own flesh and blood, abandoned me and continues to not be there for me... especially as I look upon my own children who are the light and joy of my life. How could he not feel that way toward me and his own grandsons? I can't wrap my head around it; I just can't don't get it. It feels so sad to me. Sad for me, sad for my sons, and even sad for my father. He's missing so much.
One glimmer of light. I heard this beautiful country song called "Mountains" (not sure who sings it -- Lonestar?). Anyway, the words go:
"There are times in life when you gotta crawl, Lose your grip, trip an' fall When you can't lean on no-one else: That's when you find yourself I've been around an' I've noticed that, Walkin's easier when the road is flat Them danged ol' hills'll get you every time Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains, (The good Lord gave us mountains) So we could learn how to climb"
I told my husband, "you know... I have been standing on my own two feet for a long time and I am strong. I know what to do in a crisis. I know how to figure out solutions. I know how to parent. I know how to love." I've actually learned alot and grown alot as a human being from being on my own and from knowing what NOT to be/do as a parent. And, because my father isn't around me and I can't lean on him, because I'm dealing with who he really is... I am starting to find who I really am and realize my gifts and talents -- and most of all I'm learning a sense of really being and feeling okay. I am starting to realize my life is happy even without my dad. I have recovery, my husband is recovering/clean and sober for 3 years, we have a more functional marriage today b/c of recovery, we have two healthy, wonderful kids and a wonderful dog, and a beautiful house. Everything I've ever wanted is right here in front of me... to be truly content and at peace, I just have to let go of this man who can't be there for me. I don't need my father anymore to feel complete, secure, or happy and cared for. I don't need the myth of the family that I've dreamed up -- him, his wife, his step son and us all being one Brady Bunch happy blended family. It's just not going to happen with them. But, I can have my own happy family.... and I think I do. I know I do.
Well, thank you for bearing with me... if you've read this far, you're a real trooper and friend!!!
Thanks for your wisdom and unconditional love and patience as I struggle through this part of my journey. with much love, Lee Ann
That was great! My father is bi-polar and doesn't take his meds. I felt exactly the same way. He never acknowledges me or my children (and I'm an only child). Occasionally I get the strange paranoid phone call or letter. Anyway, what really helped me was that last year right after Christmas I wrote him a long heartfelt letter explaining EXACTLY the way I felt like you just did and I mailed it to him. Ever since then I have felt much better. I still don't talk to him or have any contact but I have let myself let go! I just feel sorry for him now that he is missing the love of grandchildren who will NEVER know him! Thats HIS loss not mine!
Thanks for sharing that with us. You know this is a program of "brutal honesty". With ourselves and our situations. I didn't see if you said your Dad was A or not, but undoubtedly he has made his share of less than popular decissions. (a little political correctness there)
One thing that is an aparent motivator in my AW and my ASon's behavior is guilt. Intense guilt can turn people away from the ones they love, no matter what you do. I of course don't know your Dad and I have no idea his motives or feelings, but I don't think its a bad idea to look honestly at your relationship and what his part of your life is.
I have some family members who have avoided being a part of my life and my kids lives. I don't really know why, and I see it as their loss. My cousin is one of those. He and I were very close growing up. For some reason he can't stand to be around my family for more than an hour or so ... makes some excuse and bails. It's odd, but that's all there is.
I wish you luck on your assignment, it has a very similar goal as the steps do in the program. Keep the focus on you and what you can do, and off of others and what they do (or don't do).
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
That was fantastic honesty there honey. That was fantastic soul searching honesty. That was absolutely right on bullseye.
One of the things that has helped me to feel about my relationship with my parents is being direct. As I slowly come to own my past and own my pain, I can say, with out fear, what is real and what isn't. And I can say, without fear, what I feel. You are doing fantastic.
