The material presented
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I just wanted to vent here. My A left AA and started drinking again. I am the only one of us working a program any longer. I try and be patient. It is very very very hard for me sometimes. He will be testy and ill tempered all day and then I finally reach my breaking point. The only time I seem to be happy is when I have very little to do with him. Makes me very sad. This isn't what I wanted in our marriage. He says that he can't control his emotions, blah, blah, blah. Maybe he can't, but he can control how he behaves toward me. He just chooses to behave how he wants to behave. Just as I do. It's like the literature saying about the 95% they're responsible and 5% I am responsible. I'll take the 5% responsibilty, but it would be nice if my A would own up to his stuff. It's hard for me not to feel resentful.
I feel the same way. My A can't control his emotions. But I know why. He's an alcoholic. Your A may very well be dissappointed in himself because he left his program. He knows he's given in to his disease. Similar to those of us with food addictions and do well for awhile and then eat that piece of cake. It makes us unhappy...because we feel out of control.
It's so frustrating to love an A and not get any respect. But you can get respect from yourself. You can respect yourself by not responding to his emotional upsets. Recognizing that most alcoholics act just that way. That's the disease. Like people with lung cancer cough. You can't stop them from coughing.
A book that has helped me is titled "Getting them Sober". My A is not sober, but this book gets me throught the painful times and lets me enjoy the happy times.
Keep posting and coming to the site, it really helps.
I ended up having an argument with the A. I worked 24 hours straight the other day. I went to one job then another job then back to the other job. Did not sleep for 24 hours. Did he wash a cup while I was out doing that? Nope. He cannot conceive of helping out. NO the only thing he thinks is Poor baby how hard off he is. He spins me these huge tales of working long hours and then I come back to the house and there are plenty of signs that he has just been home goofing off. So I ended up arguing with him (which used to be 20 times a day) and is not maybe once a month.
I do think it is normal to resent them. I do think it is also normal to vent. I come here and vent a lot and it helps. I also know that I took the A on with all his dysfunction and I did not see red flags. These days I do. When I meet others I hold back, I do not just dive in.
I really feel for you. It feels really awful to be the only one working the plan, especially when HE is the one with the problem, not you. I hope that one of the veteran board members gives you some good advice, because right now I am feeling like we feel happier without our A's and so we should just go ahead and leave. Hugs to you and I hope that whatever is best for you happens to you.
I am not fooling myself about whether or not I have a problem. I do. It just gets a little tiring when the all the work lies squarely on my shoulders alone
It is sooo frustrating! This morning my AH came downstairs and proudly proclaimed, "I put the laundry in the dryer." Like he deserved some prize since he has never done a load of laundry. I couldn't help but ask, "what did you do with the clothes that were in the dryer?" I am sure you can guess...he put them in a pile on the dirty floor!
Then...over the weekend he took our kitchen garbage can out back because it smelled. This morning I said, "can you please bring the kitchen can back in?" He said..."I told you it needs to be cleaned." I said, "have a blast!" He actually thought, "I took it out, she can clean it!"
Also, I know for a fact that whatever mood I am in, my AH will adopt. If I am tired and grumpy, so is he. If I am happy, so is he. I used to spend so much time faking happiness just to keep in a good mood. They say, "fake it 'til you make it," somehow (for the most part) I have found happiness so I don't have to fake it so much. Keep working your program. Learning how to work through and let go of anger and resentment has been lifesaving for me.
I don't really have anything sage to say, just want to empathise! Babysteps
