The material presented
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Anyone outside looking in would call me insane...because I am, lol. Anyone could say, "Hey he left you, he made his choice." Only what I deal w/ is this. Yep, he left, and I've learned to live on my own. The kids and I have found our own way of doing things and life is not bad. So I sit here and my mind is whirling. How is it that every time and I mean every time the big "D" word comes up and I'm accepting of it my A does a 180?
Please help me here. I know this is a stupid dance, been there done it. Today I made "the call" I have an Appointment w/ the lawyer that I chose. I've felt at peace w/ this, know it's in my best interest.
After our discussion of divorcing I notice the changes, more calls, more visits, more interest in general. This weekend he asked me to go to a long time friends 40th b-day party. At first I said yes, made arangements for the kids to sleep over at friends etc. Then I thought, do I really want to do this? No. Why am I doing this? Hmmm let me check my motives...to keep the dance going? To continue to play my part in his "we're doing fine" show? (okay if I really want to lie to myself I'd say to put my program to the test lol!) So I decide not to go. The kids will be out of the house -- I'll have the whole evening and next morning to myself. I actually start looking forward to Sat.
So when the A calls, I just say I really don't want to go. He says not a problem, I wouldn't go w/out you (why not?) My son hasn't finished dinner so we chat.....for an hour (I know -- what was I thinking) When he is done, he informs me he doesn't want to talk to his dad. (now why can't I be that strong?) So the conversation continues and he says he'd like to come by anyhow and check the lawn mower blades that we just replace. (long story but I believe they are on upside down) Now this needs to be done, BUT I have done this dance before. No kids, free time yada yada yada = sex.
This relationship is so out of wack. You know I really like my A sober most of the time, I can actually say that there are times that I still love him. The bottom line is that he is not good for me and I'm sick of wishing this could be different...it's always the same, and often it is reallllly bad. I met my A at 18, married at 25, we've been around each other over 20 yrs. Is it just because we've been around each other for so long? I know what I need to do for me -- Why is it so hard to change?
Letting go is the hardest part of this recovery stuff luna , of course u hesitate you have been a part of his life for 2o yrs that is a long time. Our relationships are always on an off and we do it over and over again and when we make a decission they step up and try and change our minds . again . Grieving the loss of what could have been should have been " but isn't . takes time . Keep the focus on yourself and you will be okay . Louise
I can identify with what you are saying. I was with my ex-A on and off for fifteen years and in the end he treated me with contempt. Yet now he brings food, comes over and generally behaves like nothing has happened. Nothing has been spoken of since the split in June except some drama in July over Patrick our son when I was just about to go on holidays. I still keep the peace by suppressing all my wants, desires and needs and I am getting increasingly angry, yet not showing that hostility. My ex-A was violent so this is not an option that I Have. I am not doing well with resignation but acceptance is what I am doing right now. I wish you well and feel I know what you are going through. These 360 and 180 turns and general boomerang behaviour sap energy and at times feel comfortable since they are so familiar and even unsafe predictable behaviour can seem better than the unknown. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Wow do I so understand where you are comig from...I have know my hus for 30 yrs, I can so relate to the changing aspect......for me I also loved my husband...more than I can say...however, as time goes on and thigs just get so out of control...we have to sit back and think to ourselves...is this the life we want to live forever????? Unforturnately there are some addicts who just never ever get it....they can play us like a fine tuned guitar....and we let them....
It took me yrs to finally have the courage to end this way of life....Not easy by any means, however maybe we can find some peace...
Luna, I wish you nothing but peace....keep following your head and you will be just fine....
?) My son hasn't finished dinner so we chat.....for an hour (I know -- what was I thinking) When he is done, he informs me he doesn't want to talk to his dad. (now why can't I be that strong?) So the conversation continues and he says he'd like to come by anyhow and check the lawn mower blades that we just replace. (long story but I believe they are on upside down) Now this needs to be done, BUT I have done this dance before. No kids, free time yada yada yada = sex.