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I've been posting that I am going through with a divorce from my AH. That is still my plan, but he has other plans. AH says if I stop seeing my male friend in another town (yes, I am seeing someone else for a distraction and it is working) he will stop drinking. I told him I've rarely seen him slow down on drinking, let alone stop altogether. He said he can stop any time he wants. I told him to stop right now. Of course he wouldn't do it. He said he drinks because I leave him alone all the time because I'm always with someone else. I told him he was drinking for the two and a half years we were together BEFORE I started seeing someone else. This was during the time when I would obsess about where he was, how much he was drinking, etc. I don't obsess anymore and I think he doesn't like it. I think he WANTS me to obsess. AH says if I go in on this loan against the house with him, he won't have money trouble and then he won't drink anymore. I said he'll find another reason to drink. Any little thing "causes" him to drink. I'm so tired of this life. Oh, and by the way, usually after he says he'll stop drinking, he ends up getting staggering, slurring, sloppy drunk. Just needed to vent here. Thanks everyone!
From the outside looking in that all sounds so "alcoholish". Still trying to manipulate, still making promises, still blaming, not owning up to one darn fault.
I do hope that while you are seeing someone else "for distraction" that you are working on yourself and facing your own truths. Otherwise you may find yourself in similar circumstances. Keep in mind too that you husband can site "adultery" as a reason for the divorce. Be careful :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I think that you're going through formal proceedings and persuing other relationships for a reason. If you were to look back and see what brought your relationship with your husband to where it is now, what would you say? What were the chain of events that made things so unmanageable, so unbearable, that you realized it was unbearable to live with? That might get you in touch with your feelings about the situation there.
Additionnally, are you sure that you're emotionally ready for another relationship at this point? Sometimes when people begin other realtionships when they are in the midst of things such as divorce, what they're really doing is medicating--rather than confronting the pain of the divorce, they're hiding from it, putting it off, until a "decent time." The truth is that there really isn't a "decent time" to deal with the pain of marriage ending; the only way I've found to successfully deal with pain is to go through the pain, not to medicate it with another human being, work, food, or shopping, but to actually feel out the feelings. Working the steps, taking inventories, and working with a sponsor will also help heal the hurts you feel here.
It's impossible to make a deal with a disease. The disease lies and denies, and certainly won't hold up its end of the bargain. As long as the person is in their disease, it's the disease you're negotiating with.
My ex AH bargained with me too. He said if I did not divorce him he would quit drinking. He tried to bribe me to reconcile etc. Like someone else said, it is bargaining with a disease. I held fast to: You stop drinking for 6 months and enter a program and i will consider reconciliation. I am divorced 4 months, he is still drinking, I am in a new relationship and very happy.
PS Have you heard that song Call me when you're sober?
Here are the lyrics:
Call me When You're Sober Lyrics
Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me?
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing, we're only deceiving ourselves.
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.
Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me?
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game
Selfishly hated, No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.
Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me?
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over, It's over.
How could I have burned paradise?
How could I ?
You were never mine
So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Hi Sweetie, well dear I am wondering what made you allow the disease to pull you in anyway and waste your time?
I found, for me, as soon as the A opens his mouth and the disease is talking, which was 99% of the time, I went and did something else. Would not even listent to the manipulation or bologna.
After awhile the disease gave up and would not bother anymore.
"You drink because your an an A." I say that in my head. I really, really got where to me he was not my husband, he was walking cancer with my husband somewhere being held hostage inside.
Even now I don't even want to see him. It is not him anyway. If he ever gets back on his program and is him again. He can find me if he wants to.
It is not easy to get a divorce. But I am happy for you that you made the decision. You sound like you have found someone to spend time with. I hope it is a healthy relationship. You deserve one!
