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So once again, my wife has asked me to have the papers drawn up for a Legal Seperation. This time is a little different, because I don't think it's a bad idea. Heck people get back together all the time.
But of course she is not happy about my matter of factly stating that our 11 yr old will have to stay with me due to her daily drinking.
She tells me last night, that I am judging her, and if I want to do that I should have a judge order it. Ok, well that shouldn't be a problem.
I told her that I am not trying to be ugly, and that I know she would not do anything intentionally to hurt either of them, but the alcohol does cloud her judgement even if she doesn't believe that.
So later that evening, and 5 or 6 beers later, she says "... well I guess if you are going to keep ______ , then I get the new fluffy matress out of our bedroom."
Well.... what do you say guys/gals - a new matress a fair trade for an 11 year old child? I said that's cool... <sigh>
I really hope she gets better some day. Even a little better would really improve her quality of life.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
We can never figure out A thinking...It would be scary if we did, that would have to mean it made sense to us. I hope you continue to make such great deals *wink* that's a deal of a lifetime :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
(((rtexas))) Your post rings of loving detachment in the midst of what must be emotionally challenging to say the least. A couple of thoughts crossed my mind ... take what you want and leave the rest. I, too, would be willing to give up some material thing in order to keep my child emotionally and physically safe -- but I don't think I'd think of it as a property trade, cause the kids aren't property, the issue is their well-being. I'm sure you weren't thinking of property and your post showed you putting his well-being first, it just came to mind for me. The other point that crossed my mind is that your wife might be feeling guilty or somehow bad that she's at a place where it may be in her child's best interest to not be with her. An awful feeling for a mother. You setting that boundary put that issue on the table for her to deal with was the right thing to do for your child, and it may be the hard issue that in her mind is her "hitting bottom" -- so she may be trying to cloud that issue for herself somehow so to make that reality easier easier to accept, or deny, or whatever. You are working the program ... I'm sure it isn't easy, but your loving detachment is wonderful to read. Take care and cyber hugs are being sent your way. emma
Something occured to me reading your post. I find I am much better at standing my ground over other's rights and safety (in my situation animals, my husband sometimes does not understand why I am finding homes for the cats when he would like to keep one) it makes me wonder why do I expect myself to tolerate or be in situations I do not want to see children or animals in? I wish we could all be as kind to ourselves as we are to the beings we try to protect.
Whatever reasoning or bargaining helps your wife deal with the thought of not having her child is something she needs to deal with.
I'm proud of you for setting your limits and explaining them nicely.
I know how hard it is to give up that reaction of fear when confronted with seperating from my A. There is a freedom of feelings that makes it worth it in the long run that I experience sometimes and know it will become more natural to me than being worried ever did. One day at a time.
You are doing so well. For you to realize that a separation may be a good thing is real progress. I think it is great that you stood up for your child and set that boundary. It is sad that she does not see that she is causing harm to your family, and probably feels really guilty and that is why she said what she did about the mattress. I'm sorry it is so hurtful to hear things like that.
You are doing so great and you give me such inspiration with your growth in every post. And Yes, people do get back together all of the time. Perhaps this time apart will make your wife realize that she needs help.
What occurs to me is that, for one, your daughter is already in an enourmous amount of pain reguarding her mother. Her mother is already absent because she's commited herself to her disease and she's made that a priority. And until mom gains the mental clairity to see how her daughter is being treated as "second citizen," your daughter will always need YOU to treat her as "first class." Which, I have no doubt, you are doing.
Keeping this in mind, is there anything RIGHT NOW that your daughter has that makes her feel special? Unique? Is she in drama club, for example, or in an athletic team? Does she have a crew that she can run around with that you know the kids, the parents, and that you feel good about? I ask this because she will need very desprately this group if you do decide to persue legal action; she will need to feel that there is a space where she is valued simply for being her and that she is special in every way--psychologists call it "peer validation."
Lastly, has your daughter ever expressed a need or anything like that for counceling? Divorce is painful and there's enough anger here already to go around. Family counceling, I have found, provides a safe space with a professional for people to be angry with eachother, for people to show fear with each other, or for people to simply learn how to honestly communicate. And, I do recall it was you who shared that communication in alcholism is one of the first things that goes: everything becomes colored through the dysfunction and thus, the necessary honesty dissappears.
whoa rt and it just keeps going on and on , if she wants a separation let her look after the paper work - like u said people get remarried all the time. Hang in there rt and I really wish I could say it can't get much worse. Louise
As much as I'd have been hurt by that, my heart would just break for your son. There truly is no understanding it.
I guess I should be grateful, mine just told me I could basicly have them but he didn't want to find out if I died that I'd left them to someone else....like I can will my children away.
Whoo-wee, rt! You are doing a fantastic job! You are detaching with love! You got the 3 C's under your belt! Just hang in there and do what you're doing.
Back in the Spring when my AH left dissolution papers for me to fill out on our dining room table, I just lost it. I was pretty new then, only a couple of months here. I flipped out in the chatroom. It took a couple of people a lot of talking to calm me down. Hopefully, I would be better able to handle something like that today. It is very hard, but like you said, it does not mean the end of anything. Just a way to protect ourselves. People get back together all the time.
Isn't it incredible what can come out of people's mouths? A lot of times it doesn't matter if they are A's or not. The things people can say are just unbelieveable! Yep, sounds like you got a good deal with the child there. He/she (I forget which it is) is lucky to have you for a dad. Thank God you are there for your child. So many kids get tossed aside when marriages go bad.
Hang in there. A or not, your wife is a lucky person to have a spouse who is trying his hardest to understand this alcoholism stuff. Sure is crazy!
When problems arise in my own life anymore, I try to not overreact, like I always used to. There are very few things that signal the end of the world. And circumstances can change every second, so I try to not get bent out of shape so much! I try to be reasonable, thoughtful, and when offered a choice, I will try to chose the high road. That way, I will have lots less to regret, or (gulp!) apologize about later! Sounds like that is just what you are doing here. See ya on the high road!
Everyone has given you such terrific responses and one theme hits me hard, especially today since my A is on one of his binge modes. This might be her bottom (or getting there). And as a mom, I can't think of much worse things than saying goodbye to my child. As partners of A's we try so hard to prevent them from screwing up. But that is the worse possible thing we can do, cause they'll never get to the bottom which in turn could lead to recovery. Thanks so much for your post. It helped me today tremendously. The choices our A's make have nothing to do with us. It is all part of their Hp's grand plan for them and we can't do anything about it.
Keep focused on you and that little girly of yours. You are doing so well.
