The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"Possibly you are going to make an important decision tonight." And I have.
When I first came to Al-anon I avoided those who were divorced, I had a hard time w/ their shares thinking (in my know it all thinking) that they couldn't have tried hard enough. Well, I'm hear to humbly tell you I'm officially tried out...augh.
God knows this is not what I wanted. My motives are in the right place, I'm not trying to punish my A or make him "wake up." I just can't do this any more. The weird thing about all of this is that we have been physically separated for 2 yrs now. We talk almost daily, he's here 2-3-4 times a week etc. So even though he's not here daily, it's like he's here. He talks to others about his "family," pretends in front of others that we are "okay," and tries to come across as this really "good guy."
When the big "D" word was ever brought up in the past by him it would be done in a way that made me fearful. The other day it came up and I just said "okay" I don't want to say I quit, but I just need to live in reality. He is what he is and I don't want to be a part of his puppet show. It's all fake. The thing is that if anything is going to happen I am the one who will have to do it. There has alway been this blame/fault thing my A has done and it will be that way with this ... "You divorced me."
I keep asking myself what in the world have I been hanging onto? God know this has been a form of Hell for so long that I can't for the life of me figure out what was even good about it. Sometimes relationships are toxic -- I believe this one is. Maybe I take this as a personal failure, I don't know.
Now with this decision made, I find I feel hollow. What is that? I feel a lack of purpose, but nothing has changed in my life, I still have all the same things to do, same responsibilities etc. I don't grieve the end of this relationship, I did that when he left us. I don't have that same pain/hurt -- what I have is the absence of purpose. How do you fill that? hmmm.
Oh yea, my other fortune cookie said "You are going to find recognition." -- The martyr in me said YES, finally! lol Then I regained my wits and said, I recognize that I am worth my love and so are my children. I recognize that I am only one person, with one life to live....now to learn to really live it.
Sure do relate to what you are saying. For me that hollow thing is from the loss of the dream of my marriage.That when I go get groceries or just am out and about I am part of something. I am a wife.
But inside I am part of nothing. I liked what ya said about your marriage being toxic. It is horribly sad but so is mine.
What you said is true, what does it change? In a way I think you will feel a weight off you. Maybe you won't feel the responsibility we do to a husband.
I know for me I really hung on becuz I could still feel his love for me. Then I was sure it was totally gone. Then he showed it was there. But then the disease took it away again. Am getting tougher and tougher again. Forgetting again what it felt like for me him to show me love and caring, and hope we can still make it work.
Luna I just cannot take anymore kicks in my gut. I don't have another one in me.
His disease has made me so sick, I will not walk back into it. If we are sick like our A, and if we are addicted to our A, then we might hit a place where we are so down from it, we walk away.
We don't care how much it hurts, we will never go back becuz that hurts more.
My husband would call me his wife and be real nice to me around others, then I would find out later all the horrible things he had said about me. And how they really did not like me becuz of what he said.
Well you are very strong to walk out of his fantasy. He won't be able to let his disease take him over then come to you and have that life too.
Hello luna , am so glad u took the time u needed to make this decission , and I have read somewhere in our lit , Just because your marriage failed dosen't mean u are a failure , it simply means the marriage failed.
Luna love cannot survive with out justice , if we can't get back a little of what were willing to give it will not survive. Your going to be just fine . Louise
I remember being where you are now and how surreal it was. Even as I read your post the similar events come back to me as I went through it myself. I remember holding back on decisions for 2 years and working my changes out in the program with my sponsor. I remember coming to a decision for the "right" reason (I did an inventory on how me met, what were my motivations, thought, actions etc., I prayed for guidance and found wisdom in my sponsors support with "When you find that what you have done was a mistake...correct the mistake rather than continue to live in denial." There were absolutely horrible times and then there were very good times and I learned to celebrate the good ones and wish never to duplicate my part in the bad. I can only change me right and I need a lifetime to do that!! She wasn't all bad there was lots of good and I had to search for this stuff to keep things in balance. I could not live a life blaming her for my bad choices and sadnesses any longer. One of the good things I found was her patience with me and my faults. In the end the alcohol played a very major part in the solution. I got better and still had the responsibility of cleaning up the wreckage of my thought, beliefs and actions. Doing this work while healthy is best and I am forever grateful for this program to nurture me back to health mind, body, spirit and emotions. The end wasn't neat and then I found the end wasn't even the end. There is never an end because of recovery, there is just change. She started to change; I was changing; my step-daughter was changing and we were finally in love with each other and happy with no real reason to be married. Go figure!!
Some of the slogans I used..."When in doubt...Don't!!" "Think" "Let go...and Let God" "Turn it Over" and "This too will pass". My very favorite is "Don't React!!"
Thanks for your trust. You will do fine if you continue to rely on your HP, sponsor and program.
I too have had that hollow feeling. I'm not sure exactly what it is. I explained it to my Mom like this ... it sounds strange but I feel more like my husband died and I have this really messed up room mate more than I feel like I am divorcing him. Only the paperwork is different.
I've decided to look at the hollow feeling as the empty space left by releasing the need to care for him. As I start healing it will be filled with the wonderful things I have always wanted in my life.
I'm sorry for the pain you have experienced that brought you to this decision, you are not alone. Take special care of yourself and family right now.
So glad to see you are back posting again. You are very strong and courageous. Keep your eye on the prize and stay strong in faith that HP will help you out.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
