The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A friend of mine who I have had to do so much work around detachment with called tonight to say she is very ill. She has bleeding on the brain and has been very sick. She lives on the other side of the USA. I feel really sad for her and at the same time angry at her because like many of my relationships, this one is entirely on her terms and her needs are always meant to be first and foremost, illness or no illness she always insists her needs come first. I know she is having lots of health crises at the moment. I also think for me its a lesson I have not been able to learn from my HP.
My friend and I have very similar mothers. Or rather I should say I had a similar mother to my friend because my mother has been dead a few years. Her mother was incredibly cruel, mean and nasty to her and continues to do that. The irony for me tonight in taking the phone call from her sister about my friend's health is that my friend actually got out of bed (she is very very ill) to interject that she had some stuff about things her mother had done to her in recent years. One of my core charactor defects is hanging onto my victimization like superglue. I will not let go for anything and rather like my friend I think I will be on my deathbed saying oh and another thing..this is how I was victimized...again.
The A has hurt me immeasurably. My friend who called me tonight has also hurt me. She totally abandoned me when my mother died, she has no clue how much that hurt me. I don't think the A has a clue how his actions hurt me. He may never be sorry for crashing the truck. He says he was. There is no action to suggest he really is or understands how betrayed and devastated I feel. What is hard to say is that I don't think he is really interested in knowing either. Like my friend the relationship is on his terms, not a mutual undertaking. And I gravitate towarsds that I expect that because that's really all I have ever permitted myself to know.
I love my friend dearly but I have had to set a lot of personal distance between us. She has been mean to me at times. When the A crashed the truck and I was absolutely devastated she did not want to know about it. Now she is sick I am supposed to put all that aside and concentrate on how ill she is. I certainly do feel for her. I have had my own life threatening illnesses. I have, like her, felt totally alone and helpless and had few resources. I have had to go hospital emergency rooms on my own and demand treatment. The A went home he was "bored" so he told me. He insisted there was nothing really wrong with me, he knew I just wanted attention - yeah 5 days in the hospital for a life threatening illness is just attention. I know unequivocally what it is to feel like you have no one. And I am there for her in that respect. But I dont' think I can be there for yet another relationship all on the other parties terms because I can't do that anymore.
But what I think my HP wants me to do in being able to see her and her clinging onto her victimization by her mother (and her mother is indeed a nasty, really abusvie person) is that at some point I have to let go. I have to let go of that my friend hurt me (and it was hurtful to be abandoned when my mother died by her of all people) and let go of the A's meanness and cavalier attitude towards me and move on. Life is very short. My friend is the same age as me. I think her health is radically affected by her holding onto her victimization(s). I know how that is. I know how to do that. Letting go in so many ways feels like dying. It feels like saying it was not significant when it is more significant for me to let go and move on. For me to acknowledge that they (the A and other people - members of my family in particular) are not going to show me they are sorry..that I am waiting for something that is not going to happen. And I'll be talking about victimization on my deathbed as my friend is. I don't think my life purpose is to be a victim anymore.
The A has hurt me, betrayed me, maligned me, used me, angered me, victimized me on so many levels. I can let go of all that and move onto a life that does not include his influence. I can stop waiting and wondering if he will ever know how it nearly destroyed me. I do not have to worry about him anymore. He has his own HP. He is responsible for his life, not me. I can let go of that he smashed up the truck I worked so hard for and did not understand how that hurt me (obviously only he exists). I can stop being a victim and have a life as a survivor because I see people doing that everyday here and I want what they have..and I'm willing to work for it and do what it takes for it.
I don't really know how not to be a victim because I've felt victimized most of my life. I've had a special affinity for those who have been hurt and really what I wanted most of my life is to be rescued. I wanted someone to come along who would make me feel better and make me feel whole and make me feel loved in a way I did not get as a child. Instead I've found myself around a lot of wounded men in particular and some women too who like me had no clue how to move beyond being a victim to their circumstances. And some of them hurt me tremendously like the A has.
Thank you so much for your post. I related so much to what you said
"...really what I wanted most of my life is to be rescued. I wanted someone to come along who would make me feel better and make me feel whole and make me feel loved..."
I'm beginning to understand that it is up to me (with HPs help). to rescue me make me feel better and love me.
I am so glad you are here working your program and sharing. This share has helped me.
Your share touched me so deeply. Your pain is great, but you show great growth and caring. Your friend is lucky to have you, but it sounds like she is a bit of a taker taker and not giving. I know when I am going through crisises with my really good friend I always tell her that it is enough about me, now. I really try to be conscious of how much I am there for her, too! It sounds like you go above and beyond your duties of friendship, and you may feel guilty because she is so sick. You are right, life is so short and so precious.
You said it all when you said,
"Letting go in so many ways feels like dying. It feels like saying it was not significant when it is more significant for me to let go and move on. For me to acknowledge that they (the A and other people - members of my family in particular) are not going to show me they are sorry..that I am waiting for something that is not going to happen. And I'll be talking about victimization on my deathbed as my friend is. I don't think my life purpose is to be a victim anymore. "
I think that is so true. Your purpose is NOT to be a victim anymore. We can take care of ourselves gently and in turn give out loving kindness to the world. Maybe your duty to yourself right now is to distance yourself a bit from your friend, but with kindness, like you said.
Have a good day, Maresie, and thanks so much for your insight. Your feelings are valid and you are a compassionate, caring person. I love to see someone share of their growth....
Well I am think I am even more comfortable and accepting of my boundaries and limitations these days. I have very very little money. I ran up a big phone bill helping my friend earlier this year when she had a crisis. Then when my boyfriend crashed the truck, she dropped me like a lead balloon. I accept she is like that and I love her. At the same time I no longer want to gravitate towards people who should me. She then called and told me that she hoped I had done something about the "mess" I was in. Yes I have done plenty but I did not consider her remarks that compassionate, caring or really supportive. All my life I have stood by, helped, championed and done my best for those who do not necessarily reciprocate. I wish my friend no ill, I know where she comes from. These days after being in al-anon I feel I deserve friends who reciprocate and who do not "should" me anymore. I am certainly not going to dump my friend (she has other friends too - one in particular who took her in and cared for her for a year and whom my friend says she can afford it!). At the same time I am in the equation. I have a bad cough at the moment, I am attending to it. I am buying theraflu for it. I am taking care of it. I am not spending all my time taking care of my friend rather than taking care of me.
This is a new phase for me because as much as I complain the A leaves me last so do I.
You sound like you're really coming along in the program and becoming aware. As far as your friend, I think you are describing someone that has played that victim roll for so long and gotten used to the "me, me, me" syndrome, that when someone else needs something she just doesn't see it.
She only reacts to things that pertain to her and the woe of her life. I'm not saying she is a bad person. Just that people get so used to being the victim that it's all they know. They can barely have a conversation if the word "I" isn't in it. I also knew someone like that and when I quit "being there" for her, the relationship dwindled. I guess I didn't serve the purpose that she needed me for anymore. It really showed me what that relationship was made of.
I also think you are making a huge step in realizing that you need new friends that find happiness in life. I tend to get away from negative people as fast as I can these days. I feel bad for them, but I don't won't to be part of that world. I've made some awesome friends in my f2f group. There's lots of laughter :)
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
