The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So yesterday we went to our bi-monthly couples therapy. The topic of consideration for each other came up and I brought up how bad I feel that my A doesn't even call to say he is staying out with his bar buddies. So of course my A says that if he calls, I'll just fight anyway, so he just saves the argument for the next day! The counselor comes up with a plan: If my A doesn't come home from work, I am to call his cell (which he is not supposed to answer) and leave a message for him to call me: when he calls, I am to just let the machine answer and he is to tell me he has decided to stay out.
We both kind of laughed at this! How simple! My A said ...Ok...I'll try it.
Well obviously he was very excited to get started as he decided to try it tonight. So, when I noticed I hadn't heard from him, I called the cell, left a nice message. And he called my machine, and said, I'll be home soon. That was 3 hours ago.
Should I ask the Doc for my money back? hahahahahaha....thank God for Alanon.
Well kicky , ya gotta admit it gave u a chuckle . Councelors amaze me bout all i can say . hehe. Goodluck and your absolutley right thank God for Al-Anon .
I think it always amazes me how the A's expect us to be on call. I no longer expect the A to come home at night. I just get on with my own stuff. I spent many many many a holiday trying to make it work. These holidays coming I am making no plans with the A. I learned my lesson.
The A never thinks to call and tell me that he will be late but he expects me to be on "call" for him. He knows I sleep during the daytime but yesterday he felt at liberty to call about one of his friends who needed something. What I need during the daytime doesn't matter of course but what his friends need. oh wow!
I did not answer the call because I had the phone on vibrate. I then side stepped the command to be on call for the friend. I have my needs, my needs are important.
What are your needs in the evenings. How can you get to them without being in this sea of frustration with the A. They put us in this double bind oh if I say this you will do this. The best way for me to side step all that is opt out of the game. I have my needs, I take care of them. I stopped asking him to behave like a human being. He isn't, he is a drunk. He prefers his friends, his drink and his family over me. Or rather his actions suggest that because he'll stand on his head for them and do very little for me. If he does something for me I never hear the end of it ever. I accept that these days and stop asking. I used to be furious that I had to stop asking then I stopped and found that I had more energy just meeting my own needs.
Thank you for sharing...everything I read here helps.
So...he never came home last night. Then this morning, from work, he called crying the blues. I told him I was very busy at work and he should call our counselor. hahaha...that went over big.
After work, my friend called and said she saw my truck, that he drives, at a bar. I called him and told him if my truck wasn't home in 20 minutes, I would be coming to get it. I think allowing a drunk to drive your vehicle is participating in attempted murder. Well, of course he wasn't home in 20 so I went to get the vehicle on my way to dinner with my kids and dance class after. I had my friend drive us to pickup the truck he was driving and went on my merry way. Then the cell started ringing. Of course it didn't ring all night last night while he was out and about.
Oh the threats and "how could I leave him stranded". I simply said...It's my name that is insured and there will be no drunk driving in my vehicle.
He is passed out right now. I thought at first I should not discuss it with the kids but they are 10 and 12 and were asking what was going on. So I simply stated what they hear on TV..."FRiends don't let friends drink and drive"...and I told them when people drink they get mad when other tell them what to do. Period...the kids said "oh...good Mom."
