The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have set myself up to be a lot of roles around the A to get a few crumbs from him.
Today I am really not very well at all. I have had a terrible time with allergies during the last week. I have been in bed for 2 days straight at some points and really really ill. I missed one day off work in all of it. I have not been cooking or cleaning or doing what is necessary for me. I know the A is totally useless in taking care of me.
I gave up asking him. Tonight he decides to let a friend of his come over to use the computer. I really do not want to deal with this friend. I have dealt with the A's friends enough. I have fed up, listened to them, taken care of them. No more.
So tonight rather than sit here and take it and see the A be nice to someone else (he is famous for that) I am taking myself out. I need a pair of shoes desperately (mine have holes in them!). So I am going out to dinner and to buy a pair of shoes. I am saying nothing to the A. Does he say anything when he takes off? Nope.
He has his evening planned (regardless of what I need) and I have mine planned. For once I am resigning the role of martyr/savior. I do not feel like being social. I do not feel like catering to his friends. I am taking care of me. I do not feel well. I need nutritious food. I do not want to cook/clean up for the A. He can do that himself.
I am going out, saying nothing and coming back when I feel like it.
I really admire all of the work that you're doing on self-care and all of the steps you're taking on plan b. I get so much strength from your posts--so much ES&H and such a can-do spirit that inspire me to take steps in my own life. You are the embodiment of it works if you work it, so work it you're worth it! Thanks for sharing your journey so honestly and candidly with me and the rest of us at MIP.
You are such an inspiration. Congratulations and keep up the good work on doing things for YOU. You know, it feels good to buy something for yourself once in a while, doesn't it? You deserve to go out when you want, have some fun alone time. It is nice when being alone doesn't feel lonely, necessarily.
What is it with A's pulling a disappearing act, but then needing to know exactly what we are doing, when we are doing it, how long it will take, blah blah blah. Drives me nuts!
Babysteps: I choose these days not to focus on the A's behavior as much. I focus more on mine. Of course the A is still acting out in various ways. He buys beer (he has a liver disease so should not drink) he has temper tantrums. I spend as little time as possible with him. I set my own goals. I set no mutual goals. I make no plans for socializing. We last went out socially more than a year ago. I paid. The A earns 5 times as much as me, (admittedly he has huge debts) I am not paying for everything anymore. I am tired of bearing the brunt of helping him. I know where that took me...totally devastated. I leave him to his own devices. I cook dinner if I can. If I can't, so what?
I can't say his behavior does not affect me but I work super hard to let it affect me as little as possible. Ideally, in an ideal world I would have the funds, means, resources to move out. I do not yet. I know I will in time.
