The material presented
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okay...the short of it is this....I meet someone and we started dating. First couple of dates, he's so excited about "us." He shares everything...including a hx. of alcohol abuse. He believes that God has healed him. He doesn't do the meeting thing, but finds strength in God. He's going to school to be a minister. I don't judge, I just take a deep breath and think...wait and see. Suddenly he's changed. States that he's having major back pain and his morphin isn't helping. He states that has bad days when his depression is not good. I asked yesterday after a few days of my own personal hell (friend's death, family issues) what happened...he isn't excited anymore. He became very upset with me. I tried to say that I was sorry. I didn't mean to upset him. He states I should basically controll myself and be more understanding. States he doesn't have the time to date, he doesn't know what to do.
At first I was like...I'll make it easy for you...we can end it. I don't know how to prove that I'm a good person to you. Then as the conversation goes on, I find myself begging to be forgiven. I suddenly think....why am I needing this person to validate me? Why do I need another person who has his up and downs to make me feel bad about mine? Didn't I just end my relationship with my ex for this very reason? Do I really need to beg someone to love me?
The conversation ended with him stating that he needed to pray about wha to do. He stated that he'd call me tonight with him decision. Does he really have time for me and can he trust that my "acting out" was an isolated event. I've spent the day trying to find out what has made me more angry, that I begged for another chance or that I might not get another chance. And why don't need to change for anyone! but I still feel broken....aaaaahhhhhh....I want off the rollercoaster!
Absolutely no one can be "excited" about a relationship all the time. We all have down times in our lives. Not dealing our emotions & stuffing our feelings is what got many of us in the rooms of recovery. I am definitely not telling you what to do - only you can decide what is best for you - I know for me, I can't be in a relationship that I can't feel my emotions. My AH knows that I am an emotional person. I can be weepy at sometimes and grumpy at others. I just have to deal with it and not take it out on him. He's ok with that - if he is uncomfortable with that he will give me space to deal with those feelings. But we both know from past experiences that we can't tell the other one that we have feel a certain way about our relationship all the time. That doesn't work for us. You may need to decide if that will work for you.
Wishing you well on your decision on what is best for you for today,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Wow, you post strikes very close to home! I have found myself in exactly the same spot--begging to being taken back in and wondered why. What I eventually figured out for me was that if I looked closely at my interactions, there was a trigger for me right before I would start to beg and grovel and cry to be let back in. In most cases, it was that my date would accuse me of something--i.e. why are you acting out? and I would just fold like a deck of cards, and suddenly the original issue would be off the table, and I would be under severe scrutiny. The other thing that I eventually figured out was that the only person putting me on this rollercoaster was me. I had to laugh at myself (although it didn't seem funny at the time), when I realized that I was putting myself on the roller coaster and then screaming at the top of my lungs: "Let me off, let me off, let me off." Once I was off, I would scream again, "No, no, let me on, let me on, let me on!" Eventually I found the strength to get off for good, but only after it became clear to me that I really hated whirling around and getting all dizzy and feeling out of control on the rollercoaster. It took ALOT of strength to face my feelings once on the ground again and not beg to be let back on the ride. I realized eventually I was afraid of what I would feel on the ground once I was alone, and although it took strength to face it, I COULD face it, and I DID. What helped me was to realize ultimately IT'S MY CHOICE whether to stay on the rollercoaster or to get off. Only I can decide what's best for me.
For me this scenario is a repeat of my childhood. The only way for me "in" my family was to be the scapegoat or the rescuer. Those were the two roles I was allowed. For me as an adult its time for me to choose different roles.
