The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I keep thinking why is it so hard for me to "detach" without feeling that I'm being MEAN? I feel like I'm being mean and he says I'm being mean why can't I then think about ALL the meanness he has delivered my way? Instead of feeling sorry or guilty? I don't want to feel sorry for him! What do normal people do when they are treated that way by a drunk? Do they just not care and leave?
Just wanted you to know that I don't know the answer, this is a tough one for me. Hopefully someone with more experience can help. I feel the same. I feel like if I detach, I am not being caring and listening to AH. I feel like I am being "indifferent" - also, and feel guilty. I've heard sometimes the best detachment is to leave the house. When you try to detach and do your own thing in the house (read, etc), sometimes the A will pester you and ask why you are not talking, etc? Detachment is a confusing thing to me, how do you do it "with love"???
Sorry I wasn't much help, just wanted to show support and let you know I know where you are!!!
It's not surprising that your A says you are being mean. That's the disease talking. When the primary opinion available to you is under the influence of alcoholism, getting a second, third, fourth, etc. opinion is a good idea!
Detaching is like anything else... it becomes easier with practice. We do it for ourselves, but it often does have an impact on the alcoholic if we are consistent. Perhaps they'll even give up on a tactic of pushing our buttons, if it no longer gets the desired result.
With me it seems that I often struggle with this too.
I am thinking for me that over all these years I have gotten so use to listening to these little "voices in my head" putting myself down ... and when I feel like I am practicing detachment is when these little voices will try to make me feel guilty for doing something right. Then I struggle with it until I realize that's that condemning voice I am so use to listening to.
So it seems to me our minds and our habits of thinking are strongly ingrained in us and we have to pause and look at our motives...and, if our motives are for the right reasons, sometimes just tell that little voice to SHUTUP!!!!! lol
That's where I am today anyway...When I examine all my motives honestly then I can reach a conclusion whether it is truly detachment or selfishness.
When I first started with detachment, I could not detach with love - I had to detach with a machette (lol) - I was so involved with the alcoholics/addicts in my life that was the only way I could start to seperate their lives from mine.
I too felt so guilty and still can struggle with that guilt - that is when I have to step back and look if it is realistic guilty or unrealistic guilt. Are my actions because I am trying to be mean, hateful, full of revenge, or vengence? If so then I might be feeling realistic guilt.
But, if the actions are because I am seeking a healthy way of life, trying something different, taking care of myself, not picking up the rope, staying out of their business, pure in my reasons, truthful, then this is unrealistic guilt. And I will not fall under the weight of it again. My side of the street is clean - I am only doing this to take care of me - That is my responsibility. Whatever the alcoholics/addicts may think is their business not mine. I had to repeat this to myself over and over.
After time, detachment with love did come and some of the A's in my life could accept that - some could not. But that is there issue - not mine. My heart is pure - is not out of revenge - that is all that my HP requires of me.
Keep working on it - Don't give up before the miracle happens in You - You deserve to live Happy, Joyous & Free - no matter what the A's in your life may choose.
One Day at a time,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I think what happens is that we have no problem practicing detachment with someone, like, at the grocery store. We have no relationship to this person. We see them for, like, a minute so whatever is up their butt (including their head!) doesn't matter. Water off a duck's back, and all.
But the closer the person is to us, the harder it is to detach. One of my al anon friends says that she feels like a little girl, in high school, being rejected by the "cool kids." She's not allowed to "be cool" or whatever. And I think that's true. The core of detachment asks us to let the person make the choices they need to make to get where they're going--be that a bottom, be that a new job, be that the Publisher's Clearinghouse Lottery. Detachment implies that firstly we take responsibility for ourselves--we make sure we're fed, rested, bathed, spiritually centered and are doing work to maintain this. Then, we are to attempt to extend this to others. By focusing on ourselves first, we often times find that we are "minding our own business" and attending to "first things first." This also shows us what needs to be done NOW. For example, paying the power and ultilites is a priority for the NOW.
Detachment also implies we make priorities what WE need to attend to and what ISN'T ours to attend to. Paying off the bookie or the bar tab, for example, is NOT our business. Paying for daycare IS.
This is obviously a process of enourmous proportions, and I have never seen any old timer get it 100% right. But the idea is by starting with small things and attending to our role in these, we can better manage our life and better be at peace with an unmanageable disease.
I keep thinking why is it so hard for me to "detach" without feeling that I'm being MEAN? I feel like I'm being mean and he says I'm being mean why can't I then think about ALL the meanness he has delivered my way? Instead of feeling sorry or guilty? I don't want to feel sorry for him! What do normal people do when they are treated that way by a drunk? Do they just not care and leave?
