The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I work the steps, they all make sense and they all have plausable proof, (if only to me) that I have "achived the spirit of the step before I move on to the next".
Then there is step 3....
I have been struggling with that for quite a while now. I guess I am too much of a geek to seperate the concepts of accepting "will of my HP" as opposed to my own free will in decissions.
Something happened last night that brought it to a head for me. My wife of 15 years said last night that she feels as if we are only roommates now and that is stressful for her. She has declared her independence a couple of times a month all year now. So it was not supprising.
In times past I have tried to put it back in her court to say "that is up to you". This time I said nothing at all. I didn't ignore her, I just listened. In the throws of a horrible outburst from her a few weeks ago, I really prayed to my HP to help her... 'cause I can't. That was my Let go and let God weekend".
Since then she has done a lot of smarting off to ... space, and arguing with ... herself, because I am just not there for it. It's no wonder she feels like I am just a quite roommate.
I shared with several people lately how the relationship with my 21 year old ASon was so bad in his late teens. We disagreed on everything, fought about everthing and it was absolutly destroying our relationship. We have a reasonable, respectful relationship now... but he doesn't live in my house any more.
I don't have to trip over every peice of nonsense he throws about the house anymore and he has grown and so have I.
I know this is getting long and drawn out... but bare with me.
I have said that her leaving would be her decission, that its up to her and her HP... but I have been sabotoging it all along. I believe that some seperation will do no harm and possibly do some good, yet I have been playing my part to stop it. ... why?
Because I have been doubting that it was good for her? Because I have been trying to be her HP?
I think that until last night if you had asked me "have you made a consious decission to turn your will over the the God of your understanding..." I would have said yes. Until last night, I don't think I had. Not really.
Not sure exactly where I was going with this other than to put it out there and get your thoughts on that moment in your life.
I almost titled this ... what a week to try and quit smoking... LOL Thanks for listening to me ramble.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
It sounds like you have come to an empasse with your AW or a "crossroads". I struggle with turning over my will to God of my understanding a great deal of the time. I let it go and then pick it back up again by worrying over it, or rehashing some subject with my A. I think when I have completely let go of something in the past I put it down and didn't really feel the need to worry about it or talk about it as much. It was a subject at peace. I agree that your AW has a decision to make and so do you. My sponsor and counselor have really been driving home that I need to be clear on what I want and then make my decisions based on what I want and what I believe would be the best thing for me and the kids. Right now its waiting and watching. Watching for the actions to line up with the words. Watching to see what HP wants to reveal to me about this relationship. Along the way of waiting I'm gaining strength and empowerment and learning to accept the things about my A I cannot change, and then asking myself is it enough for me? Can I be satisfied with what this person is capable of giving me emotionally, physically, financially, etc? Will I be able to be satisfied with myself and my life with a person who may or may not stay sober? So many questions I am faced with and I am learning that the answers don't come on my time but HP's time. I thought I'd just break it off with the A and that would be that. Well, it didn't turn out that way. I didn't plan on him wanting to work on this so badly. HP knows what you want to do and when that decision should come to fruition. You are right where you need to be today. Embrace it if you can, maybe HP is trying to send you a message. Take care of you today.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Oh how I relate to your post! With my ex, I thought I had turned him over dozens of times. Truth was I was afraid to. If I truely did wasn't I in some way giving him the green light to use drugs? All the words I had spoken explaining, how bad it was for him..bla bla bla..would be forgotten and he would think I was all of a sudden saying ok, go for it! then one day I was practicing with the commitee in my head on the daily lecture, thinking how I could phrase it diffrently, so he could see what he was doing ...and I thought why? I might as well go in and talk to my office wall...The awaking lol...I was afraid to give him my green light...my green light, like I had one to give over his life....I was trying to force my will on his life...He was carrying out his right to live his life as he saw fit...ugh...He had his own higher power...I wasn't it....OMG Let it go Carol was the thought that moment.
I still have trouble with remembering that I have to work this step on a daily basis...turning things over are still a process and maybe always will be for me...I want it to be automatic...but the easy way usually isn't the best way...
Sounds like you are doing good with detachment, with not responding to the angry comments, etc. That is really progress. It sounds like you are in the same boat I am in, if you feel like separation would do her good, and you good. I feel that also, but in a way waiting for HP to show me if that is really the right decision or not? How do we know?
I know what you mean about your son also. My daughter and I had a horrible relationship - even a little after she moved out. Now she actually calls and asks how I am doing. It is so nice. I am trying to set an example for her with my behavior and not be so angry and worried about everything (tools learned here for sure)!!!
My prayers are with you every day and I hope you find the answers you need. I know it is sometimes a "wait and see" thing and I sure don't know what to do. My AH says he will leave it up to me, but I don't know if I am ready to end this long relationship yet. It seems like the same cycle, though, same arguments, same same same, and maybe that is not healthy. When you stop arguing and responding like you are, is there anything left at all to talk about? That's where it gets weird! Is there any relationship left anyway?
As always, great topic - thank you for sharing your E, S, & H - I said a prayer that hopefully someday your AW will be willing to turn her will & life over to her HP & possibly try a program of recovery, if that is her HP's plan for her life.
For me, turning my will & my life over to my HP is a daily, sometimes hourly action. I think I have let it go, only to pick it back up again thinking I can do something about it. But my HP understands and just waits for me to give it back to Him, sometimes He has to give me hints - like a post on MIP (thanks).
So, I'll let go of the issue I'm concerned about - maybe if I can't really let go - I can tell my HP, I'm willing to be willing to let it go - please help me let it go. I know He will.
Thanks again Rtexas,
Learning to Live Happy, Joyous & Free One Day at a Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
That is great that you are able to examine your own motives. That takes a lot of growth in the program, I think to be honest and really face why we do what we do.
Your wife may or may not even be serious about wanting a separation. I know my AH talks about it a lot, when he's drinking. But, every night when I get home from work, there he is. He did leave a couple of times last year on his own. I neither pushed him out or begged him to stay. I did not contact him while he was gone, and after about 7 weeks, the last time, he came home. I think he realized he had been blaming me for all his unhappiness. Then, when he only had himself to blame, he didn't like that much! So, he came home.
Just keep doing what you're doing, turning your life over to HP. Things can only get better!
It is so weird for me to read your post -- recently I've come to a very similar conclusion myself. My sponsor opened the door for me though in asking "why are you standing in the way of letting things just happen." I've thought on this for a week now, how I really have, in a way, tried to halt things or direct things. I'm a very "out come" oriented person, lol, got to know what's going to happen. Talk about will, ugh!
I agree it is very important to spend time figuring out what it is you want. I'm still guilty of trying to figure out what it is my A wants, so for the past several weeks I've been working on what I want. (by the way trying to figure out what you want really keeps the focus on you ) One thing I want is to stop the games and to live, so when my A brought up divorce recently I just said "okay." hmmm and guess what I am okay. It's not what he was expecting, and I haven't a clue as to what I'm to do now but I'm sure w/ hp's help what needs to be done will get done.
I too struggled over turning things over to my HP. I would agonize over something for weeks, months, years until I was exhausted from it. Only then would I turn it over, I guess I thought I had the power to fix everything, go figure. Only when I turned it over and opened myself up to listening did I get any clarity. Then I would hit myself over the head and remembered who's in charge. Those moments of clarity came with a sense of calm over whatever I needed to do. Each time I did this it got easier. Hang in there and know you're not alone!
I think the key of step 3 I heard from an old timer: Now that I realize my ideas have been miserable failures and have made every1 else miserable, am I ready to let someone else run the boat?
Am I ready to give someone else the controls, and give them the chance to show me a path of serenity?
Can I at least try, moment to moment, to see if there is a future without drama?
) One thing I want is to stop the games and to live, so when my A brought up divorce recently I just said "okay." hmmm and guess what I am okay. It's not what he was expecting, and I haven't a clue as to what I'm to do now but I'm sure w/ hp's help what needs to be done will get done.