The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As you all know my A is my son. He has been living at my house for almost a year. It is a separate apartment attached to our house with its own entrance.
He is never at the house when he is drinking. He has a girlfriend that I guess he stays with most of the time. He loves to be at my house because of the location. However, he is really dragging his feet on getting a job. He is also a hard person to live around. You cannot have a conversation with him about anything that has to do with his life and the way he is living it without him getting defensive and walking away. As I have said before, many times, he cannot deal with any confrontation.
My husband is at his wits end with the situation. He has become very isolated from me and A son for the past couple of months. He also cannot deal with me and my depression. He feels that I am enabling son and keeping him from having to get a job. I guess I am. He is tired of all the grief that I have been dealt in the past year that I just cannot let go of. If things don't change he wants us to separate. He is not happy and neither am I.
I am also an adult child of an A. All of my siblings are enablers of their children. We all just want so badly for them to not have any grief in their life. We want their lives to be wonderful in spite of what we have to give up to make that happen. Why is it that we have such a fear of our children going through the normal sufferings that everyone has to go through sometime in their life?
While I was sitting here typing hubby called me to tell me A son has moved out. Hubby was crying. He does feel bad that it had to come to this but he believes that it is the right thing to do.
Lord, please help me to believe and accept that this is the right thing for son and for me and hubby.
Right now I am really hurting and son will probably sit in a bar all day to be able to deal with what has taken place today.
But knowing this doesn't make the pain anymore bearable. This disease is as you know insidious. We are all effected by it. And we all react in different ways. Sounds like your husband is just coping in the way that he can.
I don't know what to say to you really. I know your anguish though. I know the pain and helplessness of waiting for theA to find his way.
I just wanted to offer you support. We are all here for each other.
I know it is hard for you and your husband, however it is the best thing for your son.
He has to figure it all out for himself, or he won't ever get better. It is a hard concept for us to understand. For me I could feel the denial keeping me from facing that fact.
I took my A in many times and he would get clean here, leave and get messed up again.
No more. I don't care if he crawls here. He can crawl to AA or to rehab.
Your son is not drinking to deal with it. He is drinking becuz he is A. They don't have to have a reason to drink, they are driven to it as it is the most important thing in their life.
Do you see if you make him comfortable, he may never realize how horrible drugs are on him. He has to see and believe drugs take away my home, my ability to work, my friends, my dignity my family etc.
I can stay away from my A becuz I realized and know for sure, my A takes away my happiness, he will never be him again, he destroys everything good, his disease makes me sick.
But until I really believed it, I kept wanting him to come home.
NO more, never ever. The A has to feel the same way about what he/she loves, yes I love it but it makes me so sick it is not worth it.
Please please you and your husband need to bond. The disease is dragging you down.
Drive to a lake, go to the zoo, get away together, just you and him. Think about other things, What is your passion? What is your husbands?
Do not allow the disease to kill you guys. That will make your son feel worse believe me.
This is a great thing he is moved out. I hope he gets even more miserable while he is young. Maybe then you won't have him coming home at 55 to live with you in the latter stages of aism.
My heart goes out to you all. I have probably related this to you before, but my ASon is 21. While living in my house, his very presence brought about a mood of chaos and destruction. I love him with all my heart, but I can not tell you how much it ment to have him move out on his own.
To be honest, it saved our relationship. He still has issues with drinking, he is still incredibly irresponsable and self-centered, but the mere fact that I didn't dred coming to my own house has helped me look at things with him clearer, and has taken much of the guilt driven tantrums out of him as well.
Be gentle with yourselves, and pray that this might be the repreive you all so desperately need. Look at it this way, your son may be looking at this as a way of contributing to the household, and pulling his own weight. It could help him not drown in the pity pot they stew in. I really think that is what happened with my son. He finaly felt like he did something right and it helped his self esteme.
Take heart and know we are here for you!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
(((gailey))) My heart goes out to you. My son is an addict and I was faced with asking him to leave. This was almost 3 years ago and 2 trips to rehab since. I will never forget that day. It was as low as I hope to ever have to go. Looking back though it was the start of his recovery, and a real boost to mine. I grieved that I could not help my son, but I couldn't his addiction was beyond my control. I had to let him go to get him back. The good news is that he is sober now. He has a great job. He is exploring what he likes to do with his time, now that he isn't chained to drugs. He is a joy!
I am so glad I had alanon at this time. I have alot of alcoholics and addicts in my life. Dealing with my children was the worst. Our jobs are to care for them. The thought of letting go of them was unthinkable. I remember thinking over and over again this is killing me... The truth was though my coddling wasn't allowing him the dignity to grow up. I always had my apron strings there to catch him when he fell, to soften the blow. When he was left with nowhere to go and no one to turn to...he got some help. Don't know if this is what hp has in mind for you folks, but I will keep you in my prayers.
When things were at their worst, I tried to remember that he had a Higher power all his own who was guiding him and taking care of him, loving him........ and I wasn't it.
Gailey, I can identiy with what you are going through on so many levels.
My A is my son as well and mom's have a special bond with their children unlike that of a dad. I too tried everything to make my a's life as pleasant as I could. In the process of doing that I was cheating him of the dignity of being himself and growing up. After going to f2f meetings I realized just how strongly I had allowed him to consume my life. Everything I did, everywhere I went, even when I ate was all centered around him.
I finally found the courage to let him fall. He had to fall hard because he has a lot of my stubborness. He robbed my house, I filed charges against him. He lost everything he had and I let him live on the streets until he figured out what he had to do. Once I backed off, made him responsible for his actions, got off his back, stopped trying to fix him and started fixing me and concentrating on the one person I could actually change, he started doing things for himself. He learned that mom wasn't going to call and ask if he had paid his utilities, did he have food, was he going to meetings, did he remember his court dates and the list goes on and on. You see I had to get out of his way so the miracle could happen.
One day I listened to a speaker tape where the lady was talking about how she had ran around her entire life trying to save her children. She had spent tons of money bailing them out of jail, paying for lawyers to make whatever it was for the month go away. She was in the program but she wasn't working it. One day she said she realized that she had heard many an AA speaker get up and tell their story but she had never heard one say "I was saved by my momma". That very minute was when I turned loose of my son, I let him go and concentrated on myself and my marriage.
My life started out with my husband and we were happy but once our son became active in his disease we forgot about US. We took time away from the A, took time for us and recaptured the friendship we started out with. To be honest I think it brought us closer than we were when we started out. In the process of concentrating on ourselves the A started having mom free time to work on himself. Yes he fell more than once and each time I thought maybe this was his bottom and he would get better, but I stopped running to his aid when he got into trouble. When he landed himself in jail I left him there, when he lost his vehicle, I let him walk, when he lost his apartment I let him live on the streets. I'm in no way saying it was easy to do at all, it hurt deep into my soul everytime I did the next right thing. But I knew I had to let him do it himself or he was never going to learn anything.
My son is 37yo and I don't want to be 80 and still taking care of an adult child that is perfectly able to take care of himself.
He has fallen many times but he has enough of the program in him that he always knows what he has to do to climb back out. Today he is working two full time jobs in order to rid himself of the financial problems he got himself into. The last time I saw him, he faced DH and myself, his grandparents, two aunts and an uncle all at once for the first time since he got out of jail. He walked into the restaurant with his head held high, no nervous body language at all and his eyes were crystal clear. I hold onto that moment when I saw him with every inch of my being because the good times are what gets me through the bad ones. I was very proud of him that day for having the courage to walk into the restaurant and join us and I told him I was proud of him.
I am in a better place now with my life and I am comfortable with where I am at. The simple task of taking my life back has given me more courage and self confidence than I ever thought I would see again.
So be good to yourself, take your life back and let him find his.
HUGS
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Its sounds like both you and your husband are in pain over your A son. I think as a parent it's difficult to see our children struggle. I know my A's mother has never really been able to put boundaries with her children. She has bailed them out of binds over and over again. All three children have emotional issues, they have difficulty taking care of their finances and taking ownership for their actions and behaviors. Maybe your son struggling right now is exactly what he needs. Take care of you and your needs you deserve it.
One Day At A Time,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I think you know, or at least can tell from the responses, that what ultimately happens when a family disease is present is that it destroys the family. It affects the family.
Your husband is handling the pain the best way he knows how where he's at. He's hurting too.
Your son is behaving in a destructive way and is destroying those around him.
I am so glad we BOTH are here!!! If you read my post "detachment or abandonment" you will see we have a lot in common.
I know the pain you are going through , as I am also going through. It is horrible. I just have to accept that I do love him but I have such limited knowledge of how to really help him.
I know the hurt it causes all the family. I don't have any real "answers" other than what I'm having to do today ... knowing and believing there is a God.....and I'm not him.....I can't ..... He can. I have prayed to my God that I understand and one more time given to Him. I believe He loves my son even more than I do and He sees and knows the struggles he's going through and cares.
Today.one day at a time..I'm just hanging on to this. That's all I can do today.
Last year I had given my adult daughter an ultamatim - she could no longer live in my house if she was drinking and using - AND - she had to pay rent. She was also no longer welcome in my house if she was high or hung over. I also told her that I wouldn't pay for things in her life. That if she needed or wanted anything - she had to get a job and pay for them herself.
She was mad. She made threats against me from "never seeing me again" to "I'm going to hire someone to kill you!" I held my ground.
After she moved out - I thought I was going to die from a broken heart. She never called. She didn't give me her address. I knew (from others) that she was stripping and dealing. All I could do was watch the news and pray that my daughter wouldn't be one of the featured segments. I also jumped every time I heard the phone ring - or a knock on the door. I thought someone was going to tell me that they found my daughter dead.
Last year - I still don't know what happened in her life - but she cleaned up her act. She's back at college and living with us again. My same rules as above apply - but she hasn't broken one of them.
