Questioning myself - Al-Anon Family Group

acjmom · Veteran Member

Questioning myself

annmarie · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi acjmom,
my initial reaction to reading your post was that you are being very hard on yourself.
Then I read it again and I could see the jumble of thoughts and fears and maybe regrets that we all go through after we have made a choice in our lives.
This is all just normal.
For me, I find journalling very helpful. Writing helps me focus and see my thoughts more clearly. Often I find I have actually made good decisions but I may feel lonely in the days that follow, and this makes me question my choices. I find that usually my initial instinct on a situation is ofen the one that I should trust.
So, I write and it helps me to see more clearly. It doesn't matter how jumbled it is. No one is going to read it but me.
Just a thought.....

I wish you well
AM

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

acjmom,

Sounds like you are going through some doubt. I think that's pretty nomal.
I've heard the analogy between cancer and alcoholism many times and my thought is the only similarities are that they are both diseases at the most basic level. I don't really care for the analogy as I feel at times it is used as a guilt trip to keep an A in our lives. If the diseases were the same no one would ever leave their A. I find it rather disrespectful to those suffering with cancer, fighting for life in every way they can, losing their hair, sick from chemo, knowing they may not see loved ones tomorrow. An A on the other hand...well, nuff said. I'm sure they wish there was a Cancer Anonymous and they could go to meetings, detox from cancer and have the option of living cancer free. The differences are vast, IMO.

Alanon tells us "when in doubt, do nothing". You don't have to make any immediate choices. Remember, it is you that is changing, not him. You may need time to make those changes before you can consider if you can tolerate his A'ism.

I'm not trying to talk you out of him coming back by any means, that's up to you. I am however suggesting that you allow yourself some growth in Alanon first. Find out who YOU are and what YOU want and deserve.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Take care,
Christy

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

I think what we have to remember the key difference b/t alcholism and something like schizophrenia is that alcholism, is, to a significant degree, a disease of choice. People from lawyers, therapists, councelors, and long time sobriety personally agree that, until the person decides to drink, they have choices they can make reguarding how to handle whatever it is that they believe will be solved by drinking. It is the fact that cognitive thought is involved BEFORE the drink that makes the contentious point for people new to the program--how, if they are CHOOSING to drink, could this be a disease?

Which is why I choose to look at this as an allergy like to poison ivy or bees. Would you go to a bee hive if you knew you would die of bee stings? Would you play in poison ivy if the last time you did that you were in the ICU on a heart/lung machine? The newcomers aren't entirely wrong--the alcholic IS choosing to drink. But as soon as they DO drink, their body takes over, like someone reacting to a bee sting or a poison ivy reaction--the body craves MORE, needs MORE, won't do without MORE, and what we see from the person is the alchol-ISM, the disease that causes so much grief.

Your alcholic still has a choice, dear. Until he takes taht first drink, he has control. He can call AA. Consult counceling. Go to a priest. Heck he could dance by the full moon buck naked if it'll get him sober--he has the choice.

If he chooses to drink, he has made that choice, too. And it, in turn, has made EVERYONE's life unmanageable.

drucilla06 · Senior Member

(((acjmom)))

Well, if you have read many of my posts you know I have been married 36 years to an alcoholic.He got sober over 16 years ago.At that time I was advised to go to Alanon by my alcoholic sister and brother in law.(they were both recovering in AA)They told me my hub would get better and I would still be sick.I didn't think I was sick.

But I did think it was a way of continuing to hold onto my hub and keep him happy so I tried Alanon.It was really a half hearted try just so I could say I did it.Over the next 16 years I would try several times only to leave again.I told everyone that Alanon made me angry and grouchy.That was true but I didn't know why.This time since my marriage is over I stayed with Alanon.Again I got angry and grouchy but thanks to the people here at MIP I got past it this time.I discovered I was getting grouchy and angry when I got to the 4th step.I did fine with 1,2,3.(I invented a new dance, 1,2,3, leave).I just did not want to honestly look at myself.

Eventually I came to the conclusion that if I had stayed with Alanon all those years ago I might have saved my marriage.I no longer feel that way,however.Who can say it would have made any difference? Do I really have that much power? It takes 2 to make a marriage and while I have always been more than willing to twist myself like a pretzel to save the marriage,my hub has not.

The way I see it now is I did what I could with what I knew at the time.When I knew better,I did better.People say we're right where we are supposed to be.That used to drive me nuts.But now I see that I am where I am supposed to be because I couldn't be anywhere else.Just as an alcoholic cannot be helped until they are ready neither can a codependent.I was not ready then.Now I am.The time is right.

I believe HP will make it turn out for my best interest if I stick with him and keep giving him the reigns of my life.I can mess up and get off course.Then I turn it over to Him, and he brings me back where I belong.

Maybe after some time in this program you will realize you did do the right thing.Maybe your A will see your progress and want recovery for himself.Maybe the 2 of you will end up together recovering sometime down the road.Maybe not.I am not trying to give any false hope I am just saying those scenarios are just as likely as the one you see right now.Turn it over to HP and let Him take you where you need to go.We cannot see the big picture,He can.

You have already been enlightened somewhat.More will be revealed.Keep coming and working it and you will see the path you need to take.

love in support dru

-- Edited by drucilla06 at 20:45, 2006-09-26

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

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Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.