New, Depressed and Hopeless - Al-Anon Family Group

Iguana Girl · Member

New, Depressed and Hopeless

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello , welcome to al anon , you are powerless over his drinking but never hopeless there is always hope. Alcoholics need enablers to continue and we are thier biggest enablers , we who love them we believe the lies we cover up th ier mistakes we make excuses for their rotten behaivior , we do for them what they should be doing for themselves and we do it over and over again thinking this will stop soon . That is our insanity doing it over and over again thinking this time will be different .

Please find the courage to walk in that door , it will change your life for the better, there is nothing u can do about him but alot u can do for yourself , get your life back on track and detach emotionally from what he is doing. Please know that u are not the reason he drinks regardless of what he says , nothing u do will make him drink or stop your just not that powerful .

keep the focus on your needs for a change and get your life back . Louise

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Iguana!
Thanks for coming. I started coming here about a month ago after leaving my alcoholic husband and this site has really helped me. I read the things other people have said and it reminds me of things (usually unpleasant) that I have gone through and put in the back of my mind - never really forgotten. Alcoholism is progressive, as you stated it started with 1-2 beers a year and now it's at this and it continues to grow and get worse unless they stop or die. Everyone here has been through many of the same things if you read back over old posts you'll see that the stories are all VERY similar. It helps when you realize that you're not alone and you're not crazy and there are tons of other people going through the same thing.

Keep coming back and posting and reading and see if some of the things people say don't make a lot of sense and help you deal with your alcoholic.

annmarie · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Iguana,

You have come to the right place. There are many people who care and understand and who are accepting.
I have suffered from depression myself in the past, and well understand how hard it is to see the light whilst in despair. But in the end I had to....

How I did it?....well, firstly I started to ask myself was I happy with how my life was going...then eventually after a lot of time being unsociable and grossly overeating and all the rest!...I started to realise that I needed to change things for myself. Granted I had good support in my life. I was lucky. I started to walk for an hour every day and after a lot of months I felt healthy again. Sometimes it was hard to motivate myself, but I felt I had to really. I still struggle but now I have more good days that bad days...

I know I have to look after myself first and foremost. I can't deal with anyone elses problems for them. I can only be responsible for myself.

I would not sleep in the same as bed as someone who was going to pee on me. I just couldn't. I would sleep on the sofa instead. That's just me. We all have to make our own choices.

Just know that there are many people here who will be supportive of any choice you may make. I hope you find your strength...babysteps...and find the life you want to be living for yourself.

Keep coming back, sending you prayers
AM

Iguana Girl · Member

Thank you all so much for answering my post. Annmarie, I really relate to the overeating and lack of exercise that you mentioned. I have totally let myself go, just don't care what I look like any more, and I have not been taking care of myself. I've started taking those baby steps and am really trying to keep the focus on me. And "A" boyfriend sleeps on the couch most of the time now, so no peeing on me has occurred for a while. I have been able to telework (work from home) a lot, and I decided a couple of weeks ago that it is just too depressing here in his house especially on those days when he doesn't have to go to work. My goal has been to go to one of our offices every work day instead of working from home where I'm exposed to all his negativity. Once I got over my extreme social anxiety, I've feel like this is helping me to regain some of my old optimism. I'll be going to the office in a few minutes (ABF is passed out on the couch now) and there I will see friendly coworkers and be able to concentrate on my work.

I'd really like to find a way to stop enabling him. I put a stop to driving him to farm calls for about 6 months, but he has suckered me into it a few times when I was in the depths of the black depression recently. I also had stopped taking him to the liquor store, but I have taken him to the store to get cigarettes and on the way back home as we pass the liquor store he tells me to pull over and I do. I hate myself for doing it, but feel so emotionally fragile right now that I just don't have the energy to say no and get into an argument about it.

Any words of wisdom on how to keep my mouth shut and stop nagging him about his drinking? I realize that it does no good, it stresses me out, and he's not going to change unless he wants to change, yet frequently (at least once every two days) I say something negative to him about his drinking. Again, thank you all so much for just being here!

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Iguana Girl)))

I feel for ya girl. Its amazing how someone can stave off this disease for so long and then boom one day something else takes over and the disease is brought forth. I think your concerns and questions are valid and the best thing I can say is to educate yourself on this disease as much as you can. When you feel up to going to a face-to-face meeting you will find a warm welcome of people that can also point you in the right direction of answering these questions. I believe the reason we as Alanon work the same 12-steps as AA is that we are deeply affected by the A drinking and the behaviors that go with it. We are powerless over this disease. There is no amount of begging, pleading, threatening, scheming that can "out smart" this disease. The A has to come to that point when they would do anything to stop the craziness and become so low and humble that they surrender and say I can't beat this on my own I need help. A person can go for years believing they can control their own drinking because they have not accepted they are powerless over their disease. My A is anti-AA right now. He gives the "finger" to the first step and AA. He still believes he can beat this on his own. So I expect that a relapse has to happen so he can sink a little lower and maybe hit bottom. I was miserable for a long time. I was angry and resentful, but I have learned that I can either be miserable and let my life drift on by or I can try and find joy and peace for myself regardless of whether my A is drinking and drugging. I am learning to detach with love and stay out of his messes as much as I can. The tools I am learning with Alanon and having faith in my HP has been a savior to me. My kids and I do alot of things on our own, but the happier I get and take care of myself the more the A wants to be with us. I haven't quite figured that one out yet. Your answers to your questions will come. This program does work if you work it. When I first came into Alanon I was told to give the program at least six weeks and if I found that it was not for me, my misery would gladly be given back to me. ( I pondered that one for a while). Stay strong and keep posting here, there are lots of supportive people around to help you.

Living life one day at a time,

Twinmom~

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

For example, who would I apologize to for my behavior when I'm not the one who's drinking?

Answer: Yourself

Many of us have been in the same place you are. 18 mo ago I couldn't see a way out either. Alanon has many tools to help you.
As Abby asked, find the courage to go to a meeting. You can take back the control of your life and feel good about yourself in doing so. You will be welcomed with open arms and understanding.

You will come to know you are not responsible for him, only he is. It's a huge wt. off your shoulders when that lightbulb clicks on.
You can set boundaries and know you are doing the best thing for him and you. Enabling only helps prolong the addiction. We actually keep them from hitting bottom, and that's what most need to do to recover.

Take care,
Christy

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

You've heard lots of good stuff, so I'll just talk about the "how do I stop nagging?" question.

The way it worked for me - I had been having a really bad time, his drinking was completely out of control, he was having blackouts two or three times a week. He had gotten more and more verbally abusive, and was pushing the edge of physical abuse - shaking me, pushing past me so roughly I feel down, etc. I knew it was only a matter of time before he out and out slugged me. I could see how the constant fighting in our house was destroying our kids. It was starting to come home to me that somebody had to put a stop to the insanity we were living in, and it wasn't gonna be him. I packed a bag with some clothes and cash and put it into the trunk of my car. I vowed to myself that the next time I had to take the kids to spend the night in a motel, we were not coming back.

Right there, that calmed things down a little bit. Since I didn't really WANT to have to leave (where would I go, what would we live on, would he hunt us down....) I was a lot more aware of my part in our fights. I stopped picking fights, because I didn't want it to have to be the big one. When he started in on me (which of course he still did) I didn't react as much - again, I would think, "No, this isn't worth leaving over, I'll let this one go...." Since there was only one person yelling, it was quieter around the house, the kids were not quite as stressed, I didn't have my own guilt to deal with - all in all, things got a wee bit better. It would still have been hell on earth to a normal person, mind you, but it was better than it had been.

Then the next thing happened. Because I had gotten a little detachment, a little distance, by watching my own behaviour, I was able to really SEE him. I remember it so clearly - he was standing in our bedroom, screaming at me, frothing at the mouth, just screaming out obscenities, and I had a flash of the man he used to be - the man he sometimes still was when sober. Intelligent, warm, funny, so gentle with animals and babies - I also knew, if anything I knew in life was true, that he really did love me, and love our kids. How could he be the same person as this monster? And then it hit me, like a bright light - "Duh! He's not doing this on purpose! There's something wrong with him!" (What was my first clue, eh?). I was able to see, for a second, beyond the pain he was causing us, to the pain he must be in. I saw that he was not screaming at me, he was screaming in pain.

Well, this was all very well, but we were still living in chaos. He was still coming home five nights out of seven so drunk he couldn't see, and had developed a habit of screaming for a couple of hours before he passed out. All the compassion in the world wouldn't help us be able to live with this for long, and I could see no end in sight. That's when the miracle happened. He came home one night, I was in bed, and he was dead drunk, as usual. I lay in bed, waiting for him to come into the bedroom and start in on me, as usual. And he didn't. He went to sleep on the couch, instead. The next morning, instead of my usual "So do you remember what you did last night? Do you remember what you said to me?" I didn't say anything but "Good morning". After all, I'd gotten a good night's sleep, I hadn't gotten yelled at, the kids hadn't been woken up so they had also slept well - it didn't really matter that he was sitting there all sullen with a hangover, I was fine. So, instead of him slamming out of the house, already mad, the way he did most mornings, I gave him a kiss and sent him off to work. That night, instead of going to the bar and thinking about what a bitch he was married to, he came home for supper.

Now, I'm not going to tell you that things got instantly better, but little by little they did. He usually passed out on the couch, rather than coming into the bedroom and starting a fight, and I made a point of staying off his back. Our fights went from every day, to once a week, to once a month, to hardly ever. When he sobered up, three years later, we had had one fight in the past year and a half. Those three years had not been heaven - the man I loved was drugging and drinking himself to death and I had to watch, but at least he was not now dragging me and my kids down with him. When he finally entered a progam and started recovery, it had nothing to do with me. I had not made him drink, and I did not make him stop.

This has been longer than I meant it to be, but I thought it might be helpful to you to see how it worked for me.

thinkstoomuch · Senior Member

Welcome to Alanon, Iguanagirl.

Going on the theory that information can be power, I thought I'd share about what my first meetings were like. Always helps to know what to expect!

My very first meeting, it was pouring, and I wasn't sure where this church was where the meeting was scheduled. When I finally got there, I was a few minutes late, and I considered not going in, but finally decided I'd driven an awful long way in the pouring rain to give up now. I hung around in the hall of the church for a few minutes, then finally said to the teenager who was also hanging around, "um.... I'm looking for Alanon?"

Funnily enough, this worked, and she pointed me to one of the doors. There were 5 or 6 women in a tiny room, and they were doing this weird thing where each one would speak, only they called it "sharing". While one was speaking, everybody else was quiet. They asked me my first name, but otherwise didn't ask me anything at all. I just sat and listened.

At the end of the meeting, they gave me some pamphlets, and I bought "One Day at a Time" (familiarly called "odat", though I didn't know this then), one of the daily readers. One of the women welcomed me and spent a good 10 or 15 minutes just talking to me, not pushy at all, encouraging me to keep coming back, and to try different meetings, that each one was a little different.

Well, I decided that particular meeting was not right for a beginner, so I went to a different meeting the next time. This time I walked into a room where people were gathering & said with some confidence, "I'm looking for Alanon?" One of the guys said, I'll show you, and led me to the door to a different hallway - turned out that other meeting was AA. This new meeting was actually a beginner's meeting, and it was a huge help to me in that I was able to ask questions when I didn't understand the language of Alanon. There was also a "regular" meeting after the beginners' mtg, and I started making it a practice to go to both. Having just been to the beginners' meeting, the one-by-one "sharing" at the regular mtg started to make more sense.

Eventually I figured out that it was okay for ME to approach somebody after the meeting to talk about something they had shared, or ask for clarification, or say "I'm so glad you shared that".

It's now more than 2 years later, and I still go to these 2 meetings. I've learned that when I'm looking for a new meeting, I can say, "I'm looking for Alanon?", and nobody thinks it's weird. And I carry an Alanon book, so if I end up in the wrong room, I have a good chance of getting redirected. And I look for Alanon literature in the rooms, because if I find the literature, I've probably found the meeting.

If going in to that meeting is too scary, I've also heard people tell how they eased themselves into it by scoping out the location a few days early, or just sitting in the parking lot the first time they went. Whatever works for you. We were all beginners once. Good luck!

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Alanon meetings 1-888-425-2666

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF

Tel: 020 7403 0888

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

Iguana Girl · Member

Wow, I never would have thought of apologizing to MYSELF. That certainly gives me a lot to think about, and I think that I really do owe myself an apology for lots of different things related to this experience. And I really appreciate hearing what will happen in the meetings, so that I will know what to expect when I finally go to a face to face meeting. I've been able to drop the nagging for a couple of days now, too. Since I'm not ready to leave yet, I'd really like to avoid those fights. He made a couple of mean comments to me tonight, and I just ignored them or changed the subject.

I'm having a very hard time leaving the house and going around people right now, which is the main reason that I'm not attending a local Al-Anon meeting. They do have them in the small town in which I live, but I'm having enough trouble just being around my coworkers and colleagues (whom I've known for years), or going inside the grocery store, or washing my hair and shaving, etc. I know that my A has some valid complaints about me, but I just can't deal right now. I will keep coming to the board and reading posts, and feel better just knowing that I'm not the only one living like this. Thank you all so much for your support!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.