URGHHHH - Al-Anon Family Group

Newbie · Member

URGHHHH

just me · ~*Service Worker*~

Keep on saying that serenity prayer. It is what gets me through times like these.

Yours in recovery,

Julia

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm a social worker and I have lived from one coast to the other. Location is EVERYTHING!!! I am in a rural southeastern North Carolina community and there are absolutely NO resources here. If you go to Boulder, Colorado or Washington or California there are TONS of resources. My A has a SIGNIFICANT crim hist. and he makes $22 when he keeps a job. It is possible to get out of that position but he must be in an area where there is opportunity! Does he have a probation/parole officer he reports to? If so they have resources to help him. He is definitely entitled to foodstamps that'll save him 150 a mo. in food costs. He might be able to get into clean and sober housing somewhere too like an oxford house. Usually if someone is an A or Drug user it's safer early on to move far from the area you came from to cut the old ties. Has he been to treatment? He might be able to get a bed in treatment and they usually help people get medicaid and some money for a little bit and provide referrals for housing. Just some thoughts. He just needs to not be afraid to ask everyone for help and those that can will.

Newbie · Member

Carolinagirl: Thank you! Your post helped me. I was feeling like I was wrong for wanting to assist him where and when I could. And you and I share many of the same thoughts, I keep encouraging him to ask for help .. however, I know how challenging it can be once you have learned it won't help you any. Never the less, I keep encouraging him to do it.

Thank you again for your thoughts and helping me to feel sane.

-- Edited by Newbie at 23:36, 2006-09-25

irish54 · Senior Member

I agree that it seems so many of our government programs seem to have the opposite effect sometimes when it comes to really helping the very people they were meant to help.

I am amazed at how much difference there is in different areas. I know it is very hard to get help in Texas also.

I'm grateful he has a friend like you who cares. We will keep lifting him up in our prayers. Our HP can do what we can't do on our own.

Love and Hugs,

Irish

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Allow them the dignity to clean up thier own lives , they have created this mess and if serious they will get out of it all they have to do is stop digging and throw away the shovel . The gov is not responsible for the mistakes they make either . Support thier efforts at recovery help where u can but dont do it for them . thousands of people have turned thier lives around he will too . Louise

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

I hear such a desire to help your friend. But I agree completely with abby. If your friend is completely dedicated to living a sober life, he will go to any lengths necessary to do so. Additionally, he will ask for help wherever he goes, and he will find the solutions.

It is never necessary for the people in the alcholic's life to go to al anon, counceling or anything else related to THEIR behavior. It is only advised.

Your friend has the invaluble tools of AA. His AA family can provide him EVERYTHING he needs. All he need do is ask. As abby said, live and let live. He will feel a sense of humility, gratitude and pride if he takes the necessary steps to right the wreckage of his past and to place his affairs in order, one day at a time.

Perhaps writing a letter and putting it in your God box might help. It would relieve you of the spinning and insanity.

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi dear, I don't know where ya got that people around him need to change their ways.

We have no control over anyone but ourselves. He has to take care of him.

You sound like a very nice person. nurturing and caring. However, if we save them, we are not doing them any favors.

He has to find his own way,no matter his past or where he lives. If we help we are taking a learning experience away from him, we are also taking away his own power.

There are options for him, allow him the dignity to find them. If we make it easy, it is NOT good for them or us.

It is ok to listen, it is ok to say, what are your options?

If he goes to AA he can have a sponsor, the sponsor can guide him.

You don't have to see his choices, he does. You learned how to do it. Allow him the same.

I would love to see you take care of you. Focus on your goals, your needs.

I have been where you are, and I learned the hard way. You may have to also, but it will be at the detriment of your friend.

But it may be part of your path. Put him in hp's hands and go do something nice for you. love,debilyn

Newbie · Member

Thank you everyone for your responses, they are greatly appreciated. Even the ones I currently do not see eye to eye with. Even when I don't, there is still something to take from them. Your own experiences have brought you to this understanding and this is where there is so much to learn from one another. I am not looking for it to be easy for him to turn his life around, I can only tell you when there are options available to you, it is much nicer and often times there are higher likelihoods of success to get out of the "inner" city, gang like living. No he has not taken another's life or anything like that.. but it is still a hard way of life and especially to over come. I am fortunate that I did not grow up in this type of environment, even though my life was dysfunctional, I did not have to live my life ALWAYS looking over my shoulder and watching my back.

The other challenging part for me .. is I look at what I would find helpful and encouraging. And I can not tell you how many times I would have liked the opportunity to hear, I believe in you, etc. Or those nearest and dearest to me to offer some assistance, etc. I remember as a small child my ankle got sprained by a cousin at a family reunion (he stomped on it..what a bully!) Anyway, my dear ole dad, the loving A that he was .. well, he wouldn't let ANYONE help me from the car to our house. And then he proceeded to embarrass me and tell me how weak I was, etc in from of our family. I was 10 or 11! It was swollen like a softball. This is just one example of many simliar episodes.

I do turn to God and I believe all is in his hands. However, how do we know we are not to carry out his work? How does one know the torch has not been handed off to one of us? We are after all his children, messengers of his word and ways.

These are all just thoughts that I have and think about often.

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

World Service Organization Website –

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Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
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Tel: 020 7403 0888

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.