(This is a share from Sept. 20 I shared with my other group along with an update I did today. Wanted to share with my family here also.)

Was sitting here this morning playing a Hoyle puzzle game on the computer and went and changed the music that you can listen to while playing... well this music made me think of my 2nd son's father... which somehow led me to thinking of cousins on his father's side who I'd met and who were very kind... and well I had their number and address still so I picked up the phone and dialed. Cousin Bernadette (aka Beau) answered the phone. She was really surprised to hear from me, but it was a good surprise. We talked for quite a while. I updated her on Simon, his joining the army, the kind of man he's grown up to be, etc. I asked her if she'd mind meeting him sometime (provided Simon was agreeable) and she said "of course!" She didn't have much nice to say about his father Lee, saying they don't speak with him as he's "an selfish immature (can't repeat the rest but if I say "fargin bastage" I think you'll get the pic)", and then went on to say that her brother keeps in touch with him so she does hear things. He has 2 little girls and his wife has MS (multiple sclerosis) and is fading fast. She doesn't believe the wife even knows he has a son. Lee's mother (who lives in England) can't stand the wife or her 2 granddaughters (Beau says they are spoiled brats), so she has been very disappointed having always expected to adore her grandchildren. I guess the Grandmother didn't believe Simon was really Lee's son (Beau told me Lee has lied quite a bit). Well, I told Beau I have the Paternity Test (99.9%) proving he is and also have all the letters, cards, child support receipts etc in a file. Beau didn't know he had paid child support all these years, saying he never ever speaks of it. I told her I hold no ill feelings, my door has always been open to any family members who wished to know Simon - but of course now that he is a man, it is his choice of who he allows into his life at this point. Also said he was a man the Grandma could be proud to call her grandson, if she should choose to acknowledge him.
Why did I call Beau? Well I think its because Simon has no knowledge of anyone on his dad's side, and I wanted to be able to give him the choice of meeting some of them if possible. I know he has no desire to have anything to do with his father as the man never made any effort at contact. But maybe he might want to meet these cousins. They live maybe 3 hours from me.
We spoke about current life, about how Al-Anon had changed my life for me and that is how I am able to be okay with everything that has happened and not hold resentments, etc. We both laughingly said "gee Lee could use that!" LOL I promised to mail pictures of Simon and keep in touch.
Then I drove to the store... and on the way it hit me... Simon has 2 sisters! What will he think of that? I think I need some time to process this and think about it before telling him. Not that I won't tell him, he deserves to know I know. It's making me think about when I learned of my own bio father and that I had 2 brothers on that side. Kinda funny/strange (not funny/haha) how the same is now happening with my own son.
The other funny/strange thing is.... Lee married a woman who has the same name as me. Those of you who know how I married men with the same name (no, not the name Lee) are probably gettin a real chuckle right about now. Talk about coincidence??? Wierd.
Beau said an interesting thing. She said how I brought out a part of Lee that no one else ever has and that they've never seen ever again. How it seemed that he didn't know how to deal with the feelings and emotions, so he's kept them bottled up. You see, our relationship was a romantic fantasy type. I used to be very ... hmmm... "intense" is one word someone once used.... and we think he was afraid of that as it was an unknown to him. Kinda like the "this is too good to be true" type thinking. It is that part of the relationship that I would like Simon to know, meaning I want him to know he was created from an extraordinary love (at least on my part heehee) and even if his dad has proven to have feet of clay, perhaps he shouldn't hold blame or resentment as his father just didn't know how to deal with the emotions and feelings, was immature and young.... and well, Beau tells me how his life seems to have come around to bite him in the butt now with all thats happening and has happened. And how do I feel about that? I think it's sad. Sad that his wife is dying, that his daughters will lose their mom. Sad that he didn't know how to be a dad to his son and ignored his existence all these years. But his life is what he chose it to be. I "got over" him a long time ago, took those rose-colored glasses off, saw reality, kept the good and let the rest gently blow away. Beau says I was in love with a romantic novel character, and she's right, I was in love with who I wanted him to be, but that wasn't him after all. Funny to look back at it - Simon is the man I had always thought Lee was. He's respectful, he's independent, he's kind to women, he's loyal to family, has a strong sense of right and wrong, of morals.
Well, I'm running the risk of turning this post into a novel so I'd best close up. Not quite sure what to title this...its mostly just ramblings, me needing to just talk about the phone call and what I've learned. Not so much alanon related except for how I deal with it all now. Well gosh, I guess it is alanon related as what we learn from alanon is what we use in everyday life, right? Okay, I'm ending now... just gotta think of a post title :wierdface: ... LOL

Luv, Kis

(Today's share)
QUOTE
Was sitting here this morning playing a Hoyle puzzle game on the computer and went and changed the music that you can listen to while playing... well this music made me think of my 2nd son's father...UNQUOTE


So I called my son and told him about this phone call, how his cousin would like to meet him and so on. He's not sure about meeting her and her family, I'm sure he needs time to absorb it all and think about it. The one thing he did ask was "how old are my sisters?" I didn't have the answer, but will try to find out for him. He also, when I was talking about the Grandma in England, softly repeated "Grandma in England.. huh". I told him her name and his Grandfather's name.

I've been thinking a lot about all this since then. Something I realized this morning, just now, listening to that music again... what that music is reminding me of isn't so much his father. Rather, it is reminding me of ME. Of who I was back then, of who I am inside in the deepest parts of me. My faith, my love, my joy in life. The good stuff. I was never more ME than during that time in my life... and I've missed me. Funny how an epiphany can happen...

(Epiphany: a. A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.
b. A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization: "I experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that would change the way I viewed myself" Frank Maier.)

Is this part of what I've learned in Al-Anon? To really search inside of myself for why I think and feel and do what I do? Well I think we all know that answer to that. I am so grateful to be here. I am so grateful I can see these things now. I said in my post above how I wanted Simon to know "that part of the relationship" ... I never knew HOW to explain it to him though. Now I do.

Something that has touched you that much, that has brought out the very best in you, regardless of the hurt and pain that may have resulted from it later, can not have been bad. Perhaps some of the decisions/choices weren't so good, but that's human imperfection for ya. Maybe that is what that saying is about... "tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"

We can not be what we can't see. I'm seeing me again. Live Well, Love Much, Laugh Often

Kis