The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first post here, just saying hello. I get to Al-Anon meetings once a week or so, but it's nice to have something in between that is available just to share, vent, or whatever.
I don't currently live with an active alcoholic, and not sure if I would or could. Been there, done that. It is very difficult to love someone through this disease. Through Al-Anon, I have been able to reclaim the love for my father, who died of alcoholism more than 30 years ago. I needed the program then, and before, but just wasn't ready for it. For much of the time since his passing, I felt guilty any time I remembered anything good about him. Saying anything good about dad, or sometimes even mentioning him was to run afoul of other family members who bristled at the notion that the old man was anything but a worthless drunk. Today I can keep those thoughts to myself or share them with others without provoking this old reaction.
Ironically it wasn't issues with my dad that prodded me to join Al-Anon, it was something more current and pressing at the time. But I've come full circle and worked the program in my relationship and memories of my "first alcoholic". I can't change my past, but I can change my present, which includes my attitude toward the past, and more importantly, how I act in personal and family relationships today.
I too had an A father that has been gone for 20 years. I also have an A son, which is what brought me to Alanon.
I have been able, through Alanon, to feel the compassion for my father's disease. I have been able to stop blaming him for the events from my childhood. I know it is only time to move forward and learn how to deal with the things that obviously changed my life from childhood. Also, presently, it is helping me greatly to deal now with my A son.
I am a lot like my father, but I've also come to see the ways I'm different. Getting sober for one thing, allowed me to begin to grow again.
My dad was not abusive, but he was neglectful. If he had been abusive, it might be a lot harder to forgive him. Hard to say. He could say the occasional mean spirited thing but he was usually trying to be funny, and he was. He had a great, irreverent sense of humor. He had that ability to push my funny button and that's probably what I miss the most.
He was also a musician, and hard drinking was an embedded part of that culture. Being an (amateur) musician myself today, music is one of the gifts he gave me, and I can enjoy it sober. It was quite an experience going to New Orleans sober. Could actually listen to the music.
