The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I chatted with my husband online the other day and felt really crappy when done. He threw the old I vowed in sickness and health line at me. How have others dealt with this issue? I feel like saying they said in sickness and health not sickness and hell! Any examples of how others have responded to this would be GREAT!
Hello Carolina boy they are good aren't they ? What u didn't sign on for was abuse and when living with this disease it is where we end up , either by separating from us emotionally the more they drink the less available they are to thier families , or to be blamed for all of thier problems . This is the disease that takes our loved ones from us ,not the man .
To point this out to him would be usless and hurtful I know he didn't intend to let alcohol run his life any more than my husb did . Keep the focus on your needs don't buy into the guilt that comes your way he is drinking because he has a problem not because of anything u have done.
Until he says that what he's doing is causing him a problem IT ISN"T its causing u a problem and our program will help u with getting on with your life regardless of what he is doing.
Love the man hate the disease worked for me. and know that you are not powerful enough to make him drink or stop. If u were we wouldn't need this program. good luck Louise
And when confronted with a question like he proposed to you a simple I am sorry u feel that way stops an argument dead in its tracks. leave the feelings with him where they belong.
As alway, I just can't argue with Abby. She's my hero!
For me personally, I have a very strong moral fiber in me and I have thought about this one for myself recently. Here is my rational... I did support her in sickness and in health. I still support her.
I struggled with the "what if she had cancer" question of myself. But here is the difference for me. If she had cancer, she would want to get well. She would seek treatment. This is a little different to me. My AW is making choices about how she wants to live the rest of her life and if she chooses to drink herself to death and verbally abuse everyone around her, I will still support her, but I may not be living with her.
We have been through quite a lot. Infidelity, money problems, lies, verbal abuse, physical abuse, holes in walls and doors and windows.... all sorts of crazyness. IF I decide that I can't live in that and be healthy, I will not feel like I didn't live up to my end of the bargan. I have already reconsiled that with myself so that I can make a clear decission.
I am not looking for a fairy tale ending ... But I am not going to commit to living the way I do today forever and I am changing what I can about me to see if that is enough.
Just a peek into the mind of me... boy, it's scary in there... LOL
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I responded that if he stopped drinking for 6 months and was in a recovery program then I would consider reconciliation, and even after my divorce was final. remarriage to my husband.
He continues to drink, denies he has a problem, does not work etc...
I have lost 85 pounds (put on by stress), stopped taking medication to sleep at night through his drunken tirades, stopped taking stomach medicine to help with the ulcers caused by the stress of living with an active alcoholic.
I have met a great guy that I am dating for 4 months who treats me wonderfully and is never nasty to me. I deserve to be happy, and finally, I am. Thanks alanon for helping me regain my sanity
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
My husband never threw my marriage vows at me but when it came time to consider leaving I wrestled with my own conscience. My marriage vows had mattered to me. Ultimately, I felt that the 'sickness' mentioned in my vows did not refer to diseases or illnesses where the afflicted refuse to help themselves and thereby cause suffering, pain & misery to others. There was nothing in those vows about 'a living death' or 'a living grief'. If it were a disease like cancer or diabetes and it was treatable most would welcome the opportunity. For a disease which was terminal or there was no treatment, I again would have respected and supported my partners choices and stood by him. Also, in HIS vows he had promised 'to love, honour and worship' which surely wasn't happening therefore he had broken our 'marriage contract' not I. Eventually, I could take no more and our vows became irrelevant, our separating had become a necessity for my well-being and sanity, it was no longer a choice.
The irony of it all was that we separated, divorced and finally reconciled once we were both in recovery programs. In our situation, I truly believe it was necessary for me to divorce him as he has since told me it was that which precipitated his ultimate bottom. I cannot say that I have not felt sadness and regret that I had to dissolve our marriage before we could find each other again in happiness and health. The right thing is often not the easy thing.
I think "in sickness and in health" can refer to many things. But it's obvious he's been to AA--an oldtimer with some good sense has told him how sick he is!
I'm with Abby. Sickness does NOT mean abandoment, abuse, financial insanity that you have shared with us, the trauma that this disease is causing your children. Any court could see that.
You shared with us earlier that you're a social worker. If you had a client that was wrestling with this question, was in this situation, what would you tell him/her? What recommendations would you make to him/her?
My husband threw that one at me too - "If you leave, remember it was YOU that gave up on the marriage, not me". Not mentioning the fact that his actions were driving me to it, and all the vows that HE broke.
It's only words. An active A has already emotionally abandoned you, and he knows it. He's just using smoke and mirrors to confuse the situation.
Megan, thanks for the hope for my future! Also I remember you saying that 6 month thing before and saying I would change that to a year and use it.
Ria, I just said the exact same thing to someone else earlier, the right thing is not usually the easy thing.
Tiger, I would send my client to Alanon! But you know it's always easier to see when you're not in it.
Also the part about his sickness being treatable and him refusing to treat it.
Whenever he gets treatment he just uses the lingo as an excuse to drink. I'm an adult and I have boundaries as he's asking me to choose between him and my daughter... I'm sick I can't help myself I can't promise I won't do it again it's a disease... They become his excuses.
He is SICK. But he is doing nothing to get well. I think when a partner does not bring the best part of themselves to a realtionship then they have broken the VOW not you. No crime to be sick. It's a crime not to do anything about it. My opinion only
In my Marriage vows we agreed to love honor respect and cherish. None of these things have been given to me by my A.
We also promised to "forsake all others till death does part us>"
lat time I checked, his bartenders, drinking buddies, HIS MOTHER and any other person who contributes to him feeling good about his disease, are others, they are not supposed to be a part of our marriage. Instead I am the one he forsakes.
Last time I checked the marriage vows went both ways.
A's are masters at using everything to make themseves out to be the innocent victims.
