The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Here is a topic for me. Before alanon, Pushing blame was where it was at. Any conversation with my ex, melted down into blame being discussed. Who's fault was it? It swirled in my head day in day out. If he would just do this...that would be ok. Any blame he would push my way, I would work on shedding back his way. A swirling whirling insanity, as we would never talk about issues at hand. We were talking about something that happened yesterday or two weeks ago or 10 years ago. When we did happen to get into speaking of today. Some blame would pop out and our issues were left because the fight was on about what happened yesterday...what happened in the past. Some how that was easier than talking about what was really happening today. It changed our focus from what we could change. Was this because neither one of us wanted to change? We both wanted to be right? Was there a right and a wrong?
After I read Merry go Round of Denial (an alanon pamplet), I saw that I was not miss goody two shoes. That if I had to live with me and my reactionary behaviors, I just might need some drugs too. I realized that I played a huge part in our problems. I cryed for days thinking of what a jerk I had been all the while pointing fingers at everyone else. No wonder our home was a battlefield. I apologized to my ex, my son and my daughter. They loved that, and quickly started to throw some punches my way. I got pretty low, but soon realized there wasn't much I could do to change the old stuff. Only work on what was infront of me and show my sincerity by changing my actions from that day forward. The start of a humble alanon program for me.
I was still stuck with them wanting to relive things that had happened in the past. Put the blame on my shoulders. I wanted to talk about where do we go from here, but once more it was about whose fault it was.
I was trying to talk to my ex one day about our son and his drug use. My ex started to talk about blame. And Lo and behold, I had a moment where I saw the blame was a distraction. It was a way to change the topic. It was a way to say lets change the subject, this is too sensitive for me. Hp put some words in my mouth...they were...You are right ....that was all my fault. ..It is all my fault! This was said without sarcasm...(which was something new) He was flabbergasted...I will never forget the look of shock on his face...he errrred and ahhhhed and said..."well it isn't all your fault"....The blame for that day stopped. I don't know if we got results with our talk about my son, but I saw this blame thing a new way...
It became the blame game....and it was my choice to get sucked in or not...I call it the big sucking sound...most times i can hear it now and stop myself. It sure doesn't sting me the way it use to. It still amazes me how common the blame game is in an alcoholic relationship. How often it is brought up in shares durring alanon meetings.
Now if I can just stay aware of what it is...a way to take the focus off of me..Put the hot potato in your court...
The problem is there is no winner...only loosers..If I am talking about blame...I am living in the past...it is about something that has happened...I am giving up today...to focus on something unpleasant in the past. What a waste. Cause really does it matter?
Don't know if this makes sense, but I wanted to share it anyway.
Reading your post sounds like a familiar feeling in my house. I have played my share at blaming the A as well. I'd go along with something I really was not comfortable with and instead of saying no I don't feel o.k. with doing that I'd do it, then get angry at the A and blame him. I blame his drinking and drug use for our money issues but I'm just as guilty. When I play this "blame game" with him you are right, we're not really solving anything. Neither one of us is taking responsibility for the unacceptable behavior. I'm really more angry at myself for not sticking to my guns. He's blaming me for everything gone wrong in his life but in reality he knows he's made his own mess. I have gotten much better at not blaming and shaming but I still have a tendency to apologize for things that I have not done wrong. Wrongs that he needs to make right I take the blame on. Some days are better than others. It truly is a merry go round because my brain feels like I'm going in circles. I have to remember when I'm in the throws of an argument or he begins the blaming either one of us at any point can stop it just by saying "This is not productive and call a time out". Its a new behavior pattern we are not used to that will take lots and lots of practice. Thank you for posting that today.
Take care,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
(((((Carol))))) that made complete sense to me and was beautifully written. I can certainly relate to the battlefield - I too played a huge part in that in my own home, and saw what a difference it made when I found Al-Anon and learned to step out of the game. Very thankful to be here. Thank you for expressing this topic so eloquently.
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
In my teen and early adult years, I really had the blame game down. It was convenient that I came from an alcoholic, divorced home, and since the primary alcoholic was dead, he couldn't even make it up to me. Woe is me, my life is ruined and it's all somebody else's fault! I became a control freak, because I had all the justification in the world that I had to do everything myself or nothing would turn out the way I wanted it.
There wasn't any great awakening as to when I started to act on the third option, and beginning to live and let live. I struggle with it every day, but at least I have some experience.... do this, say this, act this way... feel bad, rotten, worthless, out of control all day. Do something else, say something different, act a different way - can feel good, worthwhile. Even loved sometimes.
I do have a third option, besides running the entire show myself, or letting everyone else and everything else walk all over me. It's not always easy to see the middle ground. Sometimes it's a broad highway, sometimes it's a sharp picket fence with deep ditches on both sides. But the more time spent walking there, the wider the road gets. The more time spent in the ditches (either side), the harder it seems to find the road.
I think when we engage in blame, at least for me, it's a sense of despiration. "Why are you not taking responsibility?" "Why are you not stepping up to the plate?" "Why do I feel like the only competent person here?"
I have learned as time has gone on that blame is the desire to look for a victim to take my problems for me. Accountability is the action of standing up and owning what I actually did--not what I imagined I did, or what others imagined I did, or what others WANT to believe I did--and being willing to amend for the action if there was harm involved.
Responsibiity is a hard one for me. I was the scapegoat as a child. I was blamed for the weather, finances, everything....
I have come to accept responsibiity for that I am responsible for my life now. My parents may have almost destroyed me but I am responsible alone for my recovery. In some ways taking back my own responsibility means I no longer take on responsibility for others. I do not blur that line anymore.
