The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This morning I wanted so badly to hit him. The urge was overwhelming. Somehow I managed to stop myself. I tried to focus on rubber and glue, detatchment etc. I couldn't. He has wronged me too much this time. I am not a violent person in any way...quite the opposite actually. Yet today I felt taken over by it. This scared me and worries me a bit.
He has been telling me a lot of lies in recent weeks, I have just found out. And constantly has to lie more to cover up even further. I hate it. It upsets me and I have been totally humiliated by him.
My question is how much can I possibly be expected to turn a blind eye to? How can I learn to detatch from his taunts....when all I want to do is slap him!!!
I am not an unreasonable person, and know I am not wrong on this occasion. I try to understand the addiction as ever...but cannot at the moment.
"How to walk away!!"....someone said you can never get rid of anA in your life...I think that true....
Thanks for listening....if you have any guidance I would appreciate it greatly!
I wish there was an easy answer to this, but for me the answer is practice, and lots of it.
My "A" know that I rarely believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Too many lies and disapointments over the years. I spent so much time trying to catch him in the lies in the past, and wow what a lot of time that wasted, because sooner or later the truth came out anyway.
I am trying now to let him fall in his lies. I am seeing that my trying to catch him in the lies and then make right what he hsa done wrong has only stopped him from hitting his bottom.
He lies, it is all part of the disease. Not saying this is acceptable. I have told him how I feel about his lies and how his lies hurt me and the kids. I told him that I am no longer going to clean up his messes and that I will no longer lie for him.
We love and we hope for trust, but sometimes we get bitten. I keep telling him there is only so many times that I will be able to reach my hand out. Before he bites it for good and then it won't reach out anymore.
Keep coming here with your hurts hun, you know you are loved here.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy (Dolphin123)
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I needed to hear your words so much. And yes, I do waste a lot of time and energy in trying to catch him out. I don't know how I ever got to this stage...how I ended up living like this. I tell him how upsetting his lies are but I don't think he understand or cares sometimes. What kind of relationship is it really...I cannot trust him at all.
He often tells me I'm crazy (among other very colourful terms!)...maybe he's right. Crazy to be living this life of deceit and lies....
I agree with Dolphin. It takes practice. I recall only once ever having the urge to physically slap my A. I actually raised my hand to him. But then I remembered that he was abused by his Mom and first wife. I turned around and went out the door. The anger in me was intense. I went for a long hard walk for a good couple hours. I physically exhausted myself. I didn't care that it was midnight, I just wanted to get rid of that feeling of anger. I was also angry at myself for even thinking of raising a hand to him. Like you, I am not that way. I think that anger and hurt is just part of our disease and our recovery. I no longer beat myself up for feeling that way. Don't be so hard on yourself.
How much you can take varies from person to person. My sister tolerates a lot more than I ever would or could. We are very different people. She has no program and chooses not to. I can't imagine not having a program. I couldn't have done this without it.
The more I know about the addiction, the more I understand it. But when I'm in the heat of the moment, I tend to forget that. Funny, I tend to forget that more with his friends that are in recovery, than I do with him. I tend to be less forgiving of them than I do of him. Hmm... I need to think hard on that one. What's going on with me?
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Lieing is one thing I absolutely despise.One of the reasons the failure of my marriage is so devasting to me is because I trusted my AH over anyone.I believed everything he told me.Maybe I was naive, probably so,but I also did not know anything about the disease and that this is a common trait.
Once I found out he could and does decieve me, I lost all trust for him and that was sooo hard to take.He has said that he lied to keep me from getting angry.He knew I would be mad if I knew.Well, finding out I was lied to made me more angry than the truth ever would have.It's like a betrayal.
I know what you mean about the humiliation,but HE is the one who lied.This does not reflect on your character,only his.
Please take care of you,you need to get rid of this anger.Stewing only hurts you as you know.You can't change him or what he did.
I agree the lying is the worst part of being in a relationship with an A. My A has gotten in such a habit of lying to himself, me, his job, that he has no concept that when people figure out he's lying the trust is blown. Recently, I let him know that building trust in the home means telling the truth about everything no little white lies even. Its amazing how hard it is for an A to speak the truth and be honest about everything. The truth is not good enough for them. Its become such a major part of how they live their lives that lying is natural. When I catch him in a lie I confront him on the spot now and I work hard at not letting him wiggle his way out of it; because I have learned that I have allowed him to lie one after another and full well knowing in my gut that his excuses are just excuses, I would take the excuses. The end result I'd be mad at myself because I didn't stand up to what I "knew" was true. I have to seperate myself from the crazy making and his fantasy life and the only way I can is to remain truthful and honest with myself. So now when he lies and I catch him I state the truth and gently walk away but not before letting him know that even the small white lies become bigger and bigger lies and even the tiny little lies that he feels are insignficant break down any bridges of trust he's trying to mend with me. He knows the truth but is too ashamed to admit it, when he is able to be vulnerable and learn that honesty is the most important part of a relationship no matter how bad of a choice he's made, then and only then can trust be build. So for now I am working on being truthful with myself and holding firm to what I believe. Once I compromise my boundaries and give in to his excuses that anger will come back and bite me on the tush.
Stay strong,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Lies and this disease go hand in hand. I was just thinking about this the other day. My mother in law is in recovery sober for almost 20 years (wish her son would follow suit). Anyway, a few weeks ago when my A left to take a job in CA (from NC) he got a job offer back here in NC with the same pay. She told me to tell them that he was going to check out a job in Louisiana and that when I talked to him I'd have him call. I thought (after doing this) why lie about where he is going? It's pointless!! But they just seem to automatically revert to lie mode when something is amiss, even in recovery. So of course I called her on this and pointed out other incidents of pointless lying. I guess that's just part of the disease, most people lie for a reason they just do it because it is second nature I think.
Oh my there is someone else out there going through it too. Really what do we do when they lie, it makes me feel as though I'm the one losing it, going crazy. I find just praying, reading lots of daily meditations but at times I seriously just want to pack it up and hit the road, go to a different State and be in peace. Then having my kids and hurting them keeps me grounded. I feel for you and let me know what works for you and I pray for your sanity. Relax take some deep breaths and know that you are worth taking care of yourself first.
My father has hit me, beat me and raped me for YEARS hon. YEARS.
One of the best things I have found for my anger, hands down, is exercise. Something you enjoy. I do water aerobics. Specifically water kickboxing. And I envision myself kicking him. Kicking the you know what out of him.
Thanks for all your replies...your support keeps me sane at times I think!
I'm getting through this I think. I didn't lash out and I'm so relieved that I didn't. I had a long walk and a good think. I managed to stomp out the anger into the pavement!
You're right he is so sick and I certainly don't want to hit a sick person. I had a talk with him when he was remorseful. He still called me a few names and tried to blame me...I focused on the fact that he was being gripped by this cunning illness and I didn't raise to the argument. Instead I told him how hurt and humiliated and upset I had felt, and how I didn't intend continuing to live like this. I told him that I understood he was ill and that it breaks my heart...but that I have to look after myself. We had a long conversation. I felt better having made my feelings clear to him. I'm not sure how much of it he actually heard or wanted to hear, but he was remorseful neverthless.
The most scary part of this experience for me was that it reminded me so much of incidents in my childhood. My Afather would terrorise me and his anger was rife. My codependant mother was meek and took all his BS. I vowed to myself at an early age not to be like either of them. Yet, here I was, roaring and wanting to hit out....just like my Afather did to me....I guess I have to do some real work on this now hmmm...just hope I can...
Thank you all for being so open about your experiences. It has helped me a lot. (And Tiger, I'm so so sorry to hear that you had to go through all that. Its all so wrong.)
