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Wow, I dont know where to begin... One week ago I kicked my a husband out of the house for having phone conversations with another woman he met in a bar.. Needless to say this has been a terrible week.. I have been going to counseling, and finally had to go to the Dr's to get some medication to help .. My husband and I have been talking but he is still staying in a campground in our RV. Well, each night he has been out partying drinking etc.. Then Friday night I went out for the first time in over 10 years.. I was dancing, having a few drinks and really having a GREAT time.. When while on the dance floor I looked over and my husband was there. He was watching me, and then approached saying that he had been watching me dancing for over an hour. He again was drinking but not drunk. We danced and all and all had a good night.. But while dancing he said HI to a female that he said was "her".. I couldnt believe it, she was maybe 22 and not attractive at all, she was drunk and all over some other guy on the dance floor.. I chuckled inside, this disease is really warped..He came over yesterday and we had another good talk and he left called me at 10pm saying he was going to be he had to work tomorrow.. Well, I didnt hear from him all day until about 2pm when I called him to find out that he was in JAIL.. DUI.. !! He was sobbing, and ask me to pick him up which i did.. He says he is at rock bottom.. He could lose his job, he is a firefighter.. !! I told him I want the truth about the female and he said he took her on OUR boat while I was away for the day.. I am so ANGRY, how could he ??? Now I am suppose to support him and we were making progress only to find this out.. Well, I picked his sorry butt up and dropped him back off at the camper. Then I went to the STYX and FOREIGNER concert !! A planned night for ME :) IT was AWESOME!! But must admit I thought about this often..
This is his first DUI and his first ARREST.. He needs help so desperately and I hope that he will get it now before it is too late..
I have been praying for this that maybe it would force the rock bottom. I only hope we are there so he can start healing..
Do I let him come home only after enrolling into treatment ? Will AA work alone ? I want to help without enabling.. How do i know where the line is ?
I don't know what to say except offer you my ESH of what I did.
My husband rarely listens to my good advice and does as he pleases. Often while drunk he makes bad choices.
One of these choices once ended him up in jail. Of course he called me. I told him that since he had ignored my good advice that I was the wrong person to call. I told him to call his parents and then hung up on him.
Then thinking that perhaps that "movie" stuff is real and they are only allowed one phone call and he was foolish enough to waste it on me...I called his parents for him out of compassion.
His parents thought I was the most horrible thing to walk the earth for that. They thought they had gotten rid of him and could wash their hands of him and his problems when I married him. NOPE! They had the choice to hang up on him too. He knew better, we all saw it coming and warned him and he had not listened. They chose not to hang up on him when he was allowed to call them, that was their choice.
And it was not easy. I was between jobs at the time and had just lost my Dad. I had no money and no income and was dealing with crushing grief.
I did it as I went into survival mode. I was too busy pulling myself together and getting over my grief and finding a job and taking care of my daughter to worry about cleaning up his messes.
Eventually with his parents help he was able to clear up that legal matter and come back home.
You know what? If he was angry about how I handled things he did not tell me. For many many years after that he listened to my good advice and has stayed out of trouble.
It is now 7 years later. He is now once again slipping and engaging in risky behavior. We both know how I handle phone calls from jail...so I doubtl he even bother with me next time, LOL.
I don't even have his last name, I kept mine when we married so when he got arrested and it was in the paper, few people who knew me knew it was my husband, LOL. He goes by his middle name and his first name was in the paper, few people even know what it is. He hates it and only uses it on his taxes. I did this on purpose once I found out he was an A after we married. I did not change my name immediatly after we got married as I was just graduating from college and getting my teaching certificate. I did not want anything to go wrong with the certification process. I had the required documented hours in student teaching and wanted no mistakes. Another classmate had gottten married and changed her name while student teaching and it really messed up her documented hours and BFI check.
By the time I had my teaching certificate I saw his drinking problem, saw trouble brewing including a possible divorce or anullment and just kept thigns simple and kept my name.
Well, that is just my ESH..take what you like and leave the rest.
Oh, and this was before I ever knew about alanon...I am just not very good at cleaning up other adult's messes...I have too many of my own and have to raise my daughter pretty much single handedly since my husband is an A. I guess you can say I am too selfish to make a good enabler, LOL.
Best lesson I learned from A about hitting rock bottom: What we think should be their rock bottom, is probably not their rock bottom. I can't tell you how many times he said that this was his rock bottom. Well the last time when he was in ICU, he never said that. Guess what? Four months and counting for sobriety.
Their rock bottom comes when it's time. Do what Louise says: "Look for your Top." Work your program and stay focused on you. Because an addict is going to do what an addict is going to do, sober or not.
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am new at this but i wanted to share this bit of info. My AH was arrested the first of Aug for owi and refusal of a breathalizer- He to had a great job,he worked for a T.V. station-Needless to say they fired him and we are still pending trial -we tried to plea out to the refusal but they whould not take it and now we are just waiting-It depends on you state laws but for us because it was his first owi they are filing in civil court not criminal- The best advice i can give is he'll need a good lawyer-They are not cheap- We have already paid ours 2500 and more to come plus all the court cost fines ect- there is a web site called free advice forum.net- you can post questions and people write in you could go there to post any questions-
I told my AH the day after this happened he had to quite or i was gone, he went to a couple aa meetings but has fallen off the wagon 2 other occations-all i can say is maybe it would be best if he stayed away untilll he can prove he is serious- I have no advice on the other woman thing, my AH has never cheated and i do feel like that is the ultimate betrayel- You will have many restless nites,but i hope you can find all the support you need here- I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!!!!
Hi, well first I would not pick him up. In my experience, anything we do, is enabling the disease to get off easy.
He knows what he needs to do, he can call and go to rehab on his own. Unless he does that, it means nothing. May mean nothing anyway.
I would not allow my A to come back. It just makes the disease more comfortable.
When I think about it, I think ok he will probably relapse at some point, do I really want to live thru that again? NO
Plus no matter what they are still A. Still have A personalities, A behaviors.
I don't buy this bottom thing. I mean a person who is not A does not get it really. A bottom to us might be if we got drunk and killed someone, or dui or losing jobs, but to the A, they may not. bottom can mean death.
What helps them to get to a place they will quit no matter what, is they have to be so miserable and sick they don't want to do it anymore. Thats it, its too terrible to think about, I will go to AA NOW, I will get a sponsor NOW. Not you doing anything. They have to.
Be glad he got a dui, be glad he is in fear of losing his job, be glad he is where he is. We want them miserable. Thats how they find their bottom.
I know it is awful, I know you want to rescue him. But if we do, we are doing the worst thing, we are helping their manipulative disease.
I say this all in love. It took me a long time to really understand this.
My A is on the streets, I hope. But I bet money he is staying at this womans house. NO worries on him cheating. He is not interested at all. drugs and alcohol have killed it. Plus it is not him.
So if he is there, she is enabling him. she does not need it. she has cancer herself.
anyway hugs hon. keep us updated. Take care of YOU. I would not give him any energy at all.
I'm glad you had fun. Sorry it was so uncomfortable.
If you can't help'em up, help'em down. He got himself into this mess, let him get himself out. Many alcholics don't have ANYTHING when they get sober--or try. He has an RV.
If he's worried about losing his job - then he needs to look at what factors are contributing to that worry.
HOWEVER, it's all out of your control. You're not responsible for his drinking or his not drinking. You are only responsible for your own well-being and happiness (and I am so glad to hear you got out and had fun).
