Well as everyone knows the A gets up in the morning pretty early (that is when I am not working I generally work till 6:00 a.m.) but on my days off (which are few and far between) he gets up and immediately slams into a huge fit of provocation.  At some point in the past I usually bit the bullet.  And one of the last times he did that he beat me up. 

So now when he does the provocation I do not respond. Every now and again i will say a sentence like I have not said anything.  No no thank you and stuff like that and I do not enter into the argument with him. I also do not defend myself. He generally goes into some huge diatribe about the place being a mess.  I would not say it is a mess but yes it certainly needs a good clean up but I am not cleaning it up at the pace I used to because I have been super busy working and going on interviews.

I used to feel tremendously demoralised by his lashing out.  However I had this breakthrough in therapy about how my role as a scapegoated child was that I was going to be scapegoated and then my only way out of that was to rescue my abuser.  The only way I could come out of the role of being scapegoated was to be nice to the abuser.  And somehow I have been playing along with that role as an adult with the A.  Indeed when I got in the truck with him the other day he went into this long long long riff about how a certain tool (he just bought - he always has money for his stuff) was not the right quality and how he really needs a new one. And then he looked at me. And of course since I am in al-anon I said nothing. But before I would have offered or asked about the price of the tool.  Now I don't I just say "oh".  I am not really listening actually I am doing what people here suggest and putting on the ya ya ya ya ya ya ya tape.  I know when he finishes because there is a break.

So I feel like he has always been manipulating me just like my parents, punish me and get me to do more for him.  Only I am not doing anything I am just getting on with my life and my plan b.  I am going at it day and night, I think plan b when he goes into his riff in the morning, it is my only way through it.

What I also wanted to add was that this morning and just recently I have stopped feeling so bad when he goes off. My not responding actually feels very very strong these days. I feel made of rubber. I do not feel enraged but certainly I am very very angry at him.  I do not feel obsessed and ruminating about "him" all the time. I feel strong, capable and directed.  I can't say I have been there before and naturally all the credit goes to alanon and the people here who are behind me rather than treading on me as the A does.

Maresie.