Dearest Al-Anon friends~

I love you all so very much.  Although we have never met in person, I often think of each one of you as I go about my day.  I work on an assembly line, so I have lots of time to think!

When I first came here, I was hesitant, I had never gotten involved in online chatrooms, message boards, etc.  What good could possibly come from connecting with a bunch of strangers, who probably aren't even who they are pretending to be.  Who cared what other people thought?  Who had time for that?  For all I knew, that 40 year old woman I was talking to might be in reality, some crazy old perverted creep.  Besides, if my husband didn't even care what I thought about things, why would some stranger care?  A waste of time, in my book.

Then, on New Years , I was directed to this site by an Angel when I was on another AA site, searching for answers.  I asked her if she knew of any Al-Anon sites. I was so sick with bronchitis, (just a step away from pneumonia, the DR said) my husband had left me, after being arrested for probation violation. My daughter and her husband, and my 2 stepgrandsons, who I love dearly, were so upset about my husband's outrageous behavior.  My friends had tried to be sympathetic, but would just look at me and say "Why don't you leave that lousy jerk" , so I didn't even bother to call them.  My mother 800 miles away, was upset, and kept calling me.  I had no answers.   I felt so alone, so stupid, so scared.  What did I do to deserve all of this turmoil in my life.  Here it was the season of love and giving.  I had given my all, but I was alone, in a freezing dark house.

HP was truly watching out for me that day.  As I clicked on Miracles in Progress, and began to read, I was amazed.  These people were related to me!  All of you!  No, not by blood, but by a bond much stronger than that.  You spoke to my heart.  I typed and wept, and typed and wept.  I sought answers in the chatroom, and was welcomed with love and acceptance.  I had never experienced anything like that.  The house was so cold, and I was afraid to turn the heater up, afraid of running out of fuel oil. I wrapped up in an electric blanket, and sat at the computer for hours, until I was too exhausted from being ill, then I would lay down for a while, and as soon as I awoke, I would be right back here.  Sophie and Sidney, my cats, stayed by my side, often laying on my cold feet, trying their kitty best to make me feel better.

As you spoke kind sweet words to me, my cold, dark livingroom was filled with a warm light, and I was comforted in my pain.  To this day, I believe it was a coming together of our spirits, your love surrounded me, and I began to heal.  I found out I was not alone!  I was not crazy, not stupid, and I had nothing to be ashamed of.  That last part took me a while to grasp!  LOL!

After a few days my husband came back home.  I had not contacted him while he was gone.  He decided to come home on his own.  But, things were not good between us.  He had so much anger and resentment towards me, our house was a battleground.  But there was a difference this time.  He was fighting with himself, as I was learning to not engage in his verbal attacks.  The words he spoke were horrible.  Words no wife should never hear from the person who vowed to Love, Honor, and Cherish her.  Never.

But I had learned my husband had a disease.  I did not cause him to be this way.  I could not make him well.  I could not control the words that spewed forth like so much garbage.  So many lies, crazy things.  So much hatred directed at everyone except his alcoholic friends.  Even hatred at my cats. 

Everyday I returned here, and was always greeted with love and acceptance.  My heart was no longer full of pain and rejection.  I was a person, I was worthwhile!  God, HP, was in charge, and watching over me, through my friends here.  I was in love!  In love with you!  I just couldn't get enough!  It was amazing!  I never knew anything like this existed!  You loved me when I could not love myself!

I have rarely gone even a couple of days without being here.  This is my life now.  No longer in confusion and turmoil and hatred.  I have found a new way to live, and you have shined the light on my path.

Things are not always easy.  I am only human, and I do have my down days.  Like in AA, they have the HALT slogan.  When I let myself become too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, I find myself losing my foothold on recovery.  But now I know why I am slipping, and I get back right here in a hurry, after I eat, cry, sleep, and this place often gets rid of my loneliness. 

I owe you all so much.  I owe you my life.  Without you, I do not think I would be here today.  I was that bad off the day you found me, and tenderly held me in your thoughts.  I could feel your prayers surround me.  You have held my hand, dried my tears, laughed with me, and together we have seen the face of God, HP, right here.  We can be serious, silly, thoughtful.   What I always wanted to get from my husband, and he could not give me due to his alcoholism, you gave me.  You are my rock.

I hope someday to be able to teach my daughter some of what I have learned here.  She still sees my husband as a "bad" person.  She was very lucky to have found a man who treats her like a princess.  They have been together since 1998, and have been married for 2 years. He is a wonderful father and husband.  I am blessed that he came into her life.  I only wish she did not have pain from having seen her mother suffer.  I have a little stepgranddaugher, my husband's son's baby, who will surely need Al-Anon, as her daddy, both grandpa's, and some other relatives are A's.  I will keep educating myself so someday I can be here for her, should she want to talk.  When I look at her beautiful innocence, I see my husband as he was when he was little.  The same glossy, dark, curls.  The mischevious look.  I just lavish her with hugs and kisses, and play with her, the way I wish I could lavish so much love on my husband.  At the age she is now, she eats it up!  She is a Gramma's girl, for sure, and gives the sweetest kisses with her little lips puckered up! 

I want to wish each and everyone of you a Blessed Day.  For those of you who are new, please keep coming back.  I cannot even describe the hope I have found here.  You will gradually find a way out of the pit of despair you are in, I promise!  I never thought my life could be this good.  And my husband is still drinking. 

Maybe someday we can meet.  I would love to be able to see your faces, to wrap my arms around you in the biggest hug!  To hear your voice!  I hope someday I am able to give back even a tiny portion of all that has been given to me.  If I am able to do that, my journey will all have been worth it.  I used to feel awful that I had the bad luck to fall in love with an A.  But today, I am grateful.  My life is full.  I have friends who love me, just the way I am.  That is a miracle!  A Miracle In Progress!

I have the same problems as before, with money, too much stress, I need to lose weight, I have aches and pains that I didn't used to have.  I work too hard, I have too much to do.  I get so tired sometimes.  But now, I have hope.  No one ever said life was going to be easy, but having friends along makes it a lot easier.

Sorry this is so long.  I just can't tell you all how much you mean to me.  I hope I will never have to experience life without you.  I love you.  I love you to the moon and back!

Love in Recovery,

Becky1