The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My family and I returned from our vacation on Sunday. It was a great trip and I was able to meet my neice and nephew for the first time. (Neice is adopted an extremly adorable 2 year old and my nephew is 12 weeks old.)
Things were great. Hubby was such an amazing support and was truly fun to be with. There was a lot of healing that week.
I felt such relief and happiness during that week with my family.
Today I am not feeling relief or happiness. I have once again given control of my serenity away to my hubby. Who I have not seen since Monday morning. He is out there somewhere doing what active addicts do best.
I feel scared, I am terrified that he will do something completely stupid and end up dead. I would be grateful if he ended up in jail.
I am hurt that he has been gone for so long. It has been 8 years since he pulled something this huge on me. I know his using i sabout him and not about me, but it still hurts.
I am angry that he has been gone so long without a phone call or a note. I just tell the kids that I don't know where he is or when he is coming home. I have to see the hurt and pain in them, and he gets to escape that reality.
I treasure the week I spent with him last week. I got a whole week with my hubby, the man that I love, the man that I fell for. We had such fun. We got to be the playful couple that I so love being. Oh how I wish that was my reality. It could be, but that is not in my power.
My focus is the kids and me right now. I can't and won't put my life on hold for him. He has all the control over his sobriety or his using. His choices. And he has his HP.
I have been praying off and on since Monday. For me to know if it is time to have a seperation, for me to have strength, for me to have patience, for me to remember my program, for me to just not focus on him.
I went to part of the meeting tonight, it was great. I felt better, but then a question from my daughter and I climbed right back into the despair. I can't do that. I know better than that, that pit is not the place I need to be.
Tomorrow is another day and another chance for me to work a better program.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy (Dolphin123)
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
((()) Dolphin thinking of you and I hope you get some sort of news soon. Don't try and hold it all together if it gets too much. Have a good cry. Luv Leo xxx
Hello Dolphin , cudos for you on not lying to your children . Have u found the Al-Anon book for little ones > Whats Drunk Mama ?? it is great . Perhaps your literature depot has one left they stopped printing it a yr ago. It is amazing it explains about daddy being sick , reasures the kids that it is not thier fault * like us they really do think they have done something wrong* . It talks about respecting the A . and to not take his actions personally.
It has a few cartoon drawings of small children that they can relate too , it would help them alot . Easy does it and I truly hope he returns home soon. ( hugs ) Louise
I don't really know what to say, except that I very much understand what you are going through and wanted to offer you support.
I think he clearly loves you very much.... and sadly is very gripped by his illness. I'm sure he knows this too. I pray that he will find his recovery.
I so understand the "honeymoon" time followed by a crash. My A used to do that too. Thus, the rollercoaster. It can make you nuts if you let it. It's almost like they have a great time then feel the need to punish themselves for having it.
Unfortunately there is no magic wand to protect you from pain but at least you understand that it is the disease that has ahold of him and not a slam against you. Our disease as "fixers and protectors" can't imagine doing this to someone so it is difficult to digest.
Know that we are here for you and hope he comes home safe. 99% of the time they are having a good ole time while we imagine the worst.
I know you put him in HP's hands but don't forget to keep yourself and kids there too.
love and (((hugs))) Christy (Cjo)
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I hope today finds you in a "higher" place. Everyone here has helped me out of that pit more than I can count. You get credit for more than one of those yourself.
Over the past 2 or 3 years my AW has done the same basic thing. She rages and acts out for weeks at a time, then there will be a few days or a week when she is in a great mood and we enjoy being together.
In our case, its like she has fun... feels loved, then all of a sudden she realizes this was possible all along and she wasn't willing to participate in it. She feels bad, then .... she over-medicates and builds up her denial excusses. Blames me for her bad moods, blah blah blah.
Guess the only difference is she doesn't stop drinking .... ever. Just her moods bounce up and down.
Some days I handle that better than others... but you and everyone else here always help me through it. I hope you and hubby are ok today!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Just here to offer you some strength Mandy. There's nothing else I can do...except keep you and the A in my prayers so that he will return safely. It's tough when we allow ourselves such happiness with them, and then watch it all crash down. It truly is the "pits." Be strong, and take care of yourself.
With best hopes for your return to serenity, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I know exactly what you are talking about. It is so hard when they are normal and you finally breathe a little and manage to start to exhale, then as soon as you start to let your guard down they act like jerks again.
You feel like an idiot to believe in them, you feel tricked that they did it to you again, you feel sad because you miss the "normal" them, you feel dumb that you fell for it again, you feel hopeless as it keeps happening over and over, and then you feel hopeful that you will see it again...ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
PHEW!
My husband is being so nice to me to make up for our near separation last weekend that it is sickening and encouraging all at the same time. It is sickening as it feel so "phony", an act, and it is encouraging because it shows his humanity because he is still trying and not quite so ready to give up. My eyes hurt from so much eye rolling behind his back though, LOL.
My husband is not a phony person, he is really trying. Everytime I make a mistake and say something like "I guess I messed up AGAIN, SIGH" he says "I am sorry I complained a lot and made you feel like you mess up a lot, you don't, I do, you do great most of the time and this time is no big deal." Hey that is a lot coming from him and new.
Dolphin this sounds like such a tough time for you! And your kids are little too, which I know is adding to your pain.
Just try to move on with life and help them to. Tell them that Dad is "sick". I explain it to my daughter this way. There are different levels of mental illness, some need to be put away in an institution and some can still work and do OK but their personal and family life suffer. I tell daughter that dad is CLEARLY sick as he has a real problem with alcohol. I have tried to educate her about addiction and what a serious illness it is, combined with the mental illness of depression and other things which usually go hand in hand with alcholism.
It has taken years but she is finally beginning to understand. I tell her..."would someone who was not sick drink until they wet their paints when they are normally so fastidious and careful with their personal hygeiene"? She admits that has to be a sickness.
I hope he is home now and you are able to work things out so your family stays together if that is what you want.
I think you’re overdue for some much needed serenity.
I am glad you shared and let this out. Seems like you’re being harsh with yourself by saying “I can’t do that, and I know better” When you have proven how strong you are time and time again.
You have every right to *feel the emotions (angry, hurt) and work thru them -Please remember to take care of you first. Easy Does It.
I simply wish I knew what more to say at this time to comfort you.
My prayers and hugs are with you and your family. Your husband sounds a lot like mine, he loves you - you know that, but the disease controls him. It is tough to accept that those good times roll around and it can't always be like that. But it is great when you can cherish them and really enjoy them. I love having my real husband back sometimes also...remember there is a good person in there that does not want to hurt you. The disease controls him....
