The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It seems like forever since I have been to this board. Home puter is on the fritz and work has been busy. I find myself pushing aside work to get this out of my head because it is starting to consume me.
My sister and I had plans to attend a concert of my 2 favorite bands tomorrow night. One of these bands I have tried to see on 3 other occasions and for one reason or another didnt make it.
Early yesterday morning we got a call that my hubs grandfather had passed away. After spending some time consoling my husband leaving him to rest I went about my day. As I was mulling about it hit me as to when the services would be. I contacted my sister and told her that she would have to find someone to go with her to the concert. I got confirmation of the services and knew it was a done deal for the concert. My hubs said to go - but I know he would be heartbroken if I did. I told him that I would be there for him during his time of grief.
So here comes the stinking thinking and anger and all the other ugly emotions....WHERE HAS HE EVER BEEN FOR ME WHEN I NEEDED HIM???? When my grandmother died - he wasnt there. When I had 15 teeth taken out - he wasnt there. Etc...etc...so I am being the scorekeeper again. I feel like I have given up so much in this relationship and I am starting to be resentful about giving up this concert. I know in my heart where I need to be - but the head is doing a great musical in my head.
There it's out in the open. I do feel bad for the way that I feel but it is what it is. Thanks all for listening.
Karen
__________________
Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
Out in the open is good. Everyone has feelings, you are not exempt. Resentment is what you describe and we have all done it I am sure. I certainly have. I am not proud of it, and the more I learn the less it happens.
My AW and I had a conversation this weekend about how I am trying to change myself. (trying to keep the blame and focus off her) She asked me "... like what"
Well, I tell her that I really have over the years ignored my parents and my brother. I know that our stuff is important, but they are important to me too. Her reply was something like ' until we have our relationship fixed, that's how it should be... they can wait'.
If I didn't already feel bad enough about not spending the time I wanted with my folks, now shes telling me I have no right to do that? Well that was it... I was pissed. I spewed for a minute, then went to take a shower.
While in that calming spray of water I thought... is it weird that she would have a twisted, self-centered view of this? No, not really. Nothing else she says makes any sense, so why would this be any different.
I felt better, by calming down and keeping my intentions to myself. I felt better when I apologised for going off on her. I told her she didn't deserve that. It doesn't do me any good to remind her that she it too sick to talk about something so important to me.
Just my thoughts... but be gentle with yourself, you are not alone.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
if you go to the concert will you feel bad that you didnt go to the services? will it stick with you for a long time?
if you go to the services will you feel resentment for a long time? will you be able to live with the fact that you didnt see the concert (once again)? or will the resentment strain things btwn you and hubs?
are you doing this for you or are you doing this for him? Remember you have choices.