The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You remember the movie with Tom Cruise where he is a young military lawyer? Well ... my AW and I had a bit of an argument last night. I did raise my voice a little and I was checking myself today to see if that was really warranted or not. I could have gotten my point across without hollering, so I apologised this morning when she got up.
But I realized something. We still disagree, but even though the conversation was uncomfortable, she has helped me see that I am now speaking the truth. And she does not like it.
For 14 years I have stuffed my version of the truth in order to "smooth things over". Well I don't blurt out whatever I am thinking, but when she pointedly asks what I think or what was I thinking about something, I am now telling her.
What a shock for her this must be. LOL Of all the things she has gotten upset about lately, they have largely been "truths" that she reads as me trying to hurt her. Of course that is not my intention. It is also not fair for her to have to read my mind. So some of these truths have to come out.
I have seen a number of posts lately about the A being defensive against our recovery. I can't imagine how scary it must be to have someone you cling to growing without you.
I hope all of you are having a great day!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Congratulations for apologizing first thing this morning - that is so good, for you and for her.
Then, to realize that you are speaking the truth and you aren't afraid to! There is probably a good way to assert yourself that is honest and forthright without being a know it all or aggressive, and I sure need to know that way also! I guess we aren't used to speaking up for anything, you know? Someone told me once that you don't always have to be right, but I tend to want to tell my A everytime I am, when sometimes it is just not necessary to do so and it would avoid drama if I just kept my mouth shut.
But sometimes we need to be honest and speak up for our truths.
I am glad for your insights, it means growth in healthy ways.
Wow, I just wrote about that in reply to hersh's post. For a long time now, I have tried to smooth things over all the time with my A. I would not speak my mind, especially when he was drunk. Then, since he could always argue with me, without me even saying a word, I figured I'd had enough martyrdom for one lifetime.
Now, when he starts his crap, I speak up. I do not yell, cuss, call him names, or act like a maniac. I calmly let him know how I feel. Al-anon has taught me I am a valuable person and there is a difference between argueing with a drunk, and speaking your mind.
I made myself very sick and ended up in the hospital by stuffing my feelings. That was last Oct. I found Alanon in January, and have progressed to a point where I never thought I could be. Ever.
Now, instead of sitting in the kitchen, while I'm in the bedroom (which doesn't have a door to shut out the sound) and ranting, raving, etc., he is quiet as a mouse after I have told him I don't feel like hearing the same old stuff again. That he needs to Let Go. Etc. Then I calmly turn and do whatever I need to do, either inside or away from the house, or just go to bed.
I think I have learned how to stun him into silence! And I am getting better. And our marriage is NOT getting any worse. I shoulda done this a long time ago!
I guess I am just not the "stuffing" kind, rtexas. But I am proud that you are finally asserting yourself and your "truths." Great stride in the right direction!
With best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Great growth. Now that hubby is recovering, he is not holding back on his feelings. I have felt that I have had to be careful not to upset him. You know, low self-esteem, etc.... Now I am trying to be as truthful about things as I can, but being more diplomatic about the way I put it.
Thanks for the insight.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
And I am getting better. And our marriage is NOT getting any worse. I shoulda done this a long time ago!
