The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i was just saying in another post how i pray all day, and that helps me live my life, and especially life with my A. he's clean & sober, but he's still capable of acting like he's in the depths of drink or drugs. i give up trying to understand that!! then i realize that's what "let go and let God" might mean? i mean, he's going to act how he's going to act, and i'm either going to pray about it, or whine to y'all here about it, or both, whatever it takes to get through the day.
i'm Buddhist, so it's been a struggle for me to deal with the word "God" in the Big Book and other literature, and online. it's not about religion, it's about spirituality for me. it's not like i have one higher power that's in one place that i can say to them, "hey, i need you to help me with this" as i would to a parent. the "god of my understanding" kind of sort of touches it, but again, it's not one person or one thing. so i have reallllllllly been struggling with it!
when i started letting go, not just detaching with my A, but letting go when i know i'm up against something i have no control over, i think that's when i feel most spiritual about things. i just let go and go with the flow. ok, so there is where my HP is! "the flow" or whatever. whenever i let go, there's the HP. whenever i meditate, there's the HP.
so now i'm in the habit of sometimes praying out loud, "please help me" or "please help him." i have no idea who's listening, but i do know it comforts me. sometimes i think of it as the "divine presence" because it's tangible when i pray, i feel like i'm being hugged sometimes. in the end, i just go with the flow, and that's when i truly feel myself letting go, shedding, surrendering, whatever you want to call it.
anyway. i just wanted to share this, in case there are other people out there who aren't traditional in their spirituality, who don't have a "God" specifically to talk to. actually, all these new experiences (good and bad) with my A are leading me to my HP more than anything else in my life has so far, and i did thank him for that.
Have you read the chapter to the agnostic in the Big Book yet? There's a key line in there that discusses that the key to progress in the program is finding a power greater than ourselves that is greater than alcholism.
I keep a journal on another site. A group of wonderful women. I wrote this. It relates with your post, I think...........
"Ok, I'm going to tell you something else. This is a bit on the "out there" side. The other night I was sitting outside with the dogs. I closed my eyes and began to say a prayer. As I'm having my talk with who ever it is that's watching out for me, a picture appeared in my mind's eye. Things got very quiet. A giant Angel was approaching me. It was unbelievable! I kept thinking this is going to change. This is going to become a scary face with wings! It didn't change. It just stayed in front of my closed eyes. I told TJ about it. Only TJ. She said that I have seen my protector. I am protected. I know this sounds weird, but it happened."
