The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So here's my situation now... I told my A, cocaine-addicted husband that he needed to get help or get out. I've said it many times, but this week I said it again, meant it and plan to follow through with my threat. I'm calling a lawyer first thing Monday and one of us is moving out of our house. He doesn't know about the lawyer... probably doesn't believe I'll ever follow through or ever leave him. WRONG! That is the plan I came up with last night.
In the meantime... when I woke up at 4:30 am he hadn't come home. I SO want to deadbolt the door and not let him back in. I probably shouldn't do that though... or should I? Should I take his not coming home as his decision? Am I to assume that he chose drinking and drugs over me? Or do I just keep quiet and bide my time until I talk to the lawyer?
I'm not expecting answers. I just needed to get it out and mull it over.
I don't have any children. Just my dogs. I'm getting myself used to the idea of not having all this chaos in my life... and I think it will be good. I really love my husband but I can't ...and wont keep living like this.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
I've been really busy w/work lately, but jump on this board when I can.
I thought I'd said and did everything I knew in my power to get my husband to realize he needed to get help. The disease is so cunning and that is why I hate the disease so much. I am not one of the alanon people who say they're grateful to the disease because it brought them to alanon. However, I do love those who are in that place.
Step one: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol.
My husband quit drinking but only to save the marriage. He relapsed a couple times. It was when he finally hit bottom and knew he had to quit drinking for himself- that was when he was successful.
It broke my heart to be living with a dead man.
I am happy to say him and I got remarried. I divorced him when he was 8 or 9 months sober. But the love was always there. The disease couldn't kill that.
I hate this disease because it affects so many members of my family. My oldest nephew(18) almost lost his life in a car accident. He is starting treatment Monday.
I don't believe the a's "choose" alcohol over their family and loved ones. It's a disease that has them in a nasty grip.
I think one of the great joys in this program is watching other people walk through this process. I have watched some people in this room stay and some leave. I don't think there is a definitive answer to the issue. I also know for a fact here that no one here is going to judge you for what you choose.
I think for me what is so so difficult is seeing how alcholism has affected me. When I met the A I drank socially. I no longer drink socially I have not touched a drop for what 5 years, yet it is like I am an alcoholic in many many ways with my response to him. I do not take care of myself. After the first time I came into this room when the A was off on one of his runs I surrendered and left him in God's hands rather than sat up worrying obsessively about what was going to happen next. I do feel that as and when I work this program that I find ways to deal with life that used to baffle me. I also find that I put the focus on me and my well being rather than my rage/angst/pain at the way "he" is.
When trying to decide what to do, (Do I lock the door, or leave it open?) I try to base my decision on its impact on me, not on what message it may or may not send to the A, or what his reaction to it might be. It isn't always easy to tell which is which, but if the reason I do something is for me, it usually turns out OK, but if the reason is to influence or manipulate someone else, it usually turns out badly.
So, that said, maybe the door you want to lock is the bedroom, and let him come in and sleep on the couch. You'd be protecting yourself, not punishing him.
