The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I keep asking myself, that question. Will I ever have had enough? LOL I have to smile at that because every time I have had enough, jumped at the bait, lost myself in my A's problems, he becomes charming, sober, and caring. I have been at my mother's house 2 1/2 months. While she was sick, my A was supportive. Honestly. He was with me when mom passed away. Now that she is gone, (1 month today) I barely see him. I got a phone call today from a mutual friend, filling me in. People always want to fill me in on what a horrible person I am married to....It is a friend of mine, not his, anyway my friend when I asked what is going on went on to tell me how in the bar two nights ago, how my A when asked how I was doing, answered in a manner of how he is done with me!!! How he is going to divorce me! I haven't been home in almost 3 months (understand our home is 5 minutes from the bar and 15 minutes from our home) And then he went on to say he is sick of me and that I am nothing but a b****.....Wow, what an awakening to me....I had just read today’s reading in the language of letting go, how we are right where we are supposed to be......(I don't like this spot where I am.) It went on to say to accept it. (I don't want to accept the hurting part of my life right now) I know inside I can't fight it, it won't change, but it was almost a year ago when I asked my A to leave, almost a year ago when mom and I talked about what I really wanted, if it was worth giving my A one more chance. She told me to look into my heart and to listen to it. I did, and things changed for a while, 2 months, then he slips back to drinking, than a weekend he is attentive, then back to making apologies and excuses. He is going away tomorrow to go fishing, he will spend the night where he is going, he said when he comes back there will be changes, asked if that was all right with me. Does it make a difference if it isn't okay? He is still going to go. He said he will think while he is gone....so will I. I made it clear that I am in charge of what I allow in my life, I am in charge of teaching people how they can treat me, I have changed so much in 2 years, but I have changed even more in 2 months. I always have said it's about the bills, how will I make it? It's not about the money, I see that now, it's about what boundaries I will set and stick to! It's about what I will accept in my life and what I will not! It's about knowing that I am a good person, I don't lie, I don't cheat, and I don't steal! I am worthy of being loved just the way I am. I am starting to see so much clearer. I love my A so very much, but I know, as long as he is drinking/using that he cannot love me back the same way. That makes me sad. My hope for our future is not so good; my hope for MY future is starting to look better.
Your last line is wonderful. (my hope for MY future is starting to look better. ) When they're sober and charming it is so easy to forget their disease isn't it? I forget to keep working my program when my Ah is sober.
Have I really had enough ? Well if your asking the question Iwould say no. I have heard manytimes and I am sure u have too. When the question was asked my sponsor used to say YOU'L KNOW !! boy that used to tick me off . But after many yrs here and many decissions today I know she is right there comes a time when you will know . you don't have to talk it over with anyone , get a different opinion etc YOU WILL KNOW ~~~ and it will be over. Regardless of what the decission u will intuitvly know when u are done.
You will know when it's time to go - or when it's okay to stay. Louise
I feel for your painful situation. It IS so hard isn't it, when they ARE charming and loving and supportive, then the bottom drops out and you are crushed again. I'm sorry for your pain, and I really really identify with it. I, too have been hanging on this whole year, hoping things will change, unable to accept my painful situation, hanging on barely in like a state of SHOCK that this is actually happening. See, my AH was sober all of last year, and he was so wonderful and it was the best year of our 17 together.
I know very well how it feels, living with these ups and downs and twists and turns. It is not a normal life at all. I am so sorry your friends are calling you to tell you how horrible he is. You know that is just the disease. It is like living with Jekyll and Hyde. You sound strong, however. That book the Language of Letting go is the best, isn't it? It has saved my sanity and my outlook many times.
