The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Wow, how quickly we can slip back into our old ways...it happens in a matter of seconds. I then question why am I doing this.....I am sure with all the focus on my mother and caring for her in her final days I haven't worked my program. I am finding myself an emotional mess and listening to my A and his excuses is not helping. He stood me up for a day out because of his friend's plans changing, therefore it changes our plans as most of you know we are second to other things. I was so hurt and angry but now looking back I didn't have an alternate plan, I haven't been working my program and started slipping back into the old pattern of waiting for him, the disappointment of expectations not being met. His excuses of I don't do this and that for him, so that is why he does what he does.....The yelling on the phone, the driving by the bar, I even snooped in his drawer (I went there to pick up my 19 yr old at my house because his car broke down) because I saw razorblades on his dresser. The thing is I didn't find cocaine I found $400.....here I haven't worked since June and the bills are all late, he has never cut back on his $150 a week allowance, has worked side jobs and pocketed the money and he had cash...that caused me to slip and do the phone calling, yelling......I just couldn't seem to focus on me and let go of his stuff.
I am feeling somewhat better this morning, but am an emotional mess about my behavior. I know I am a work in progress, I am not perfect.......I know the focus needs to be back on me, I need to be healthy....me me me....that's where I need and want to be.
(((marmare)))) just wanted to give ya a hug and tell ya to try and be gentle with yourself. Old behaviors are so hard to change. I am finding it is a matter of practice, practice, practice. The bright side is, lots of times, for me one step backward.. leads to two steps forward. :)
Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, that I struggle all of the time with old behaviors. I am glad you are posting about it, it makes you feel better to get it out. You go through the old drawers, too huh!!!??? I hate that feeling, not being able to trust them... but it is getting better for me, I just figure whatever he is doing, he has to deal with the guilt and bad feelings about it. I have no control over it anyhow.
As for being stood up, I am so sorry. That has been happening to me all summer now, with AH. It was just so heartbreaking, because I wanted to hang out with him like we did all last summer. Well, I was constantly blown off this summer, and for no great reasons. Plus, he would lie and say he was on his way home, and didn't come in until 2:30 or 3 a.m. Now I am not expecting anything. Unfortunately I hate not being able to believe him, but I just can't have my heart broken anymore. The good people on this board made me see that I can't expect anything, and then when something does happen good, it will be great. I always make another plan now, whether it just be busywork at home or going somewhere. Most of the time now I am not sitting at home waiting for him to come home, I AM going to f2f meetings or something else. It feels good to kind of find myself and not worry so much about him. I was losing sleep and felt sick.
I wish you so much love and hugs in recovery. I know how painful this is... just stick close to Alanon people and post about it,
I notice your icon that appears to be a lei of flowers around the happy face. Might want to try that for yourself. Go buy yourself a lei and wear it where ever you go.
Thanks for the post. You might be having some problems but I got from your post that you understand its all temporary and you have faith and hope for your recovery. That's the motivation I live off of and thanks again.
Trying to rely on the alcoholic is like leaning on a broken railing expecting security.
You are okay. You're right where you're supposed to be and nothing at all ever happens out side of HP's plan for us. Keeping coming back. Keep working the program. Keep on keeping on.
Well Mary I am just going to tell you that it is nearly a full moon and you have my permission to let off steam if you want to. We are all prone to outbursts and it can be healing to get some of the resentments out of your system. Full moon is my time to be a b...h and get away with it. I always feel much better afterwards. ((()) Luv Leo xxx
It's okay, kind of keeps us humble. 
