The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just had to get some things out. I am sad. The other day I was angry, now I'm just sad...
A and I are not connecting, drifting further and further apart. He is working sometimes, gone "running errands" most nights. He calls me on my cel phone and doesn't leave a message. When we talk we argue or don't say much anymore. There is really nothing more to talk about except bills that need to be paid, or alcohol which he hates talking about.
He says he is coming home, comes home and goes right next door and parties until 3 a.m. - he is miserable today and calls me. I am at work so I don't answer. Doesn't leave a message.
It is like there is some unseen dark force at work here. Well, I know what it is - alcohol. I am feeling better some days, some days not. I am trying hard not to mention his drinking problem to him unless he is sober, and waiting until he brings it up - like he will say "don't worry, I'm coming back soon" (like, back to sobriety). Then if I say something like, you need help, doncha think? He cuts me off and doesn't want to talk about it. Or he says all I talk about is alcohol, it is "my life". I do admit that I have been sober two years and I did say things for a while, but stopped because I felt like I was preaching.
I KNOW that it is going to take much more than him just stopping drinking, he will need a program to save his life. My best friend is gone, really gone. Even when he is not drinking he is moody; mad or sad. He looks at me with a horribly sad look.
I am beginning to realize that this is reality. He is not going to get help. It is getting worse, he is drinking hard stuff also like before. I am beginning to feel that I am going to have to move on, as much as I love him I cannot sit there and watch this. It is a dark cloud.
I can't help him. He has to be miserable enough, and even though he may look like it, I don't think he is. I was thinking of giving it until the end of the year, but I don't think I can live with it any more! It's just too sad, and his help with finances is dwindling.
I am taking care of myself. Going to F2f meetings all this week, and have plans all this weekend to be gone. It's just I have to face this fear of living alone, and quit daydreaming about him just popping up and being better. It is not happening, and I am so tired of waiting.
Do you ever feel like you pray every day, every day when you feel bad, or thankful, or sad, and you don't get any signs? I haven't prayed so hard in my life as I have prayed this year. I know the "signs" come in different forms then you expect, but nothing seems to be moving in any form, everything is just "stuck".
Don't mean to be so blue, I'm really an optimist, but this is my life and love of my life here.
Remember feelings are not good or bad, right or wrong - if you feel sad - then feel sad. If you feel angry then feel angry - It is our reacting to our feelings that sometimes can get us in difficult situations.
If you are feeling all these emotions, to me, it sounds like a normal, healing process of grief. Grieving of your hopes and dreams of what you had expected your life to be with your A. It's ok - if you can journal in a safe place - maybe journaling can help get these feelings out in the open. Keep up with those meetings and posting here - Continue your recovery - You are important to our group here and I'm sure you are important to your home group.
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us - it helps all of us with our recovery -
Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I can relate to you !! It is very difficult to see a marriage that you want so desperately to work fall apart .. When you love someone who just isnt there anymore. You look into their eyes and they look so empty. I know that sometimes I just want to feel loved, just want a hug, compassion and understanding.
All we can do is work on US and continue to love them regardless of this terrible disease.
I have been praying too, and really trying to listen.. I know that when my HP is ready I will hear him .. I include in my prayers how hard headed that I am and ask that he talk REALLY loud ..:)
Keep the focus on you and you will get thru this ODAT :) just like me
HI Heidi, I sure know how you feel. We hear it is progressive, gets worse and worse, but when it is happening, it's like we don't connect it.
His alcoholism is getting worse, and there still is so much more to come. So horrible to watch someone you care about be so sick. If detaching and taking care of you still does not make you want to stay, I hope you do take care of you and leave the situation.
It is really not so different living alone Heidi. Ya just live alone and don't have to live with the hell of alcoholism. It really can be very serene. Just becuz you move out, does not mean you don't care about him. Does not mean you have to not communicate. Your relationship may turn into something else.
Day at a time.
I hated feeling the weight of the A. The complaining the lieing, not being home, losing jobs, taking advantage of me by not paying his way, sleeping in the dark all day, smoking and smoking and smoking.
Yuck. It was like me trying to mix lightness with darkness. Did not work.
It is interesting when I read your post I can feel your heaviness, sadness and frustration. It is like you are carrying around a hundred pounds of sadness.
I want you to take care of you. We have no idea what the future will bring. So do your best to do well and enjoy each day.
I felt very much like you do, when my husband was active. I felt like I was living with a dead person. Very lonely place to be.
Odat is all we can do. God/hp hears our prayers even when we nothing seems to be changing. It is his will and in his time. The waiting is the hardest part.
Thank you Rita, Tammy, Debilyn and Ideal SO much for your love. I am in tears reading your responses. It feels so good to have someone to listen to me. I'm so used to telling HIM all of my problems and he's obviously not "here".
Thank you thank you so much. I know things will get better, whatever happens. It has to get better.
