The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've noticed that I can sometimes get quite nasty with my Aboyfriend, and this is really starting to bother me. I am not a nasty person at all, but sometimes he just won't stop bickering and finding fault....and i suppose I just get really irate.
Normally, I walk away, tune out etc, but if we're on a car journey (I've noticed this) I feel as if there's no way to get away. Yesterday, we were in the car for a four hour trip, and tensions were high by the end of the trip. I really didn't want to be there.
Anyway, we argued. It was pathetic really. He made inappropriate comments and called me a name, and I flipped. I was quite patient to a point but then I just had enough of it. He said I had no sense of humour etc.
It went on....by the end of it I was quite offensive to him as well and taunted him. I feel really bad about this and although he put me in an awkward position I was wrong to say the things I did. I was probably as bad as him.
Now I'm trying to work through this. I do not want to be saying hurtful things to him. This is very upsetting for me...and not a way I would ever behave. I want to be able to get better myself and am trying to find the way.
Maybe I need to put my trust in my HP at the moment, and let him guide me through.
Annmarie, while I can understand your frustration at your reaction to his taunts, you have to stop beating yourself up about it. You are only human and there are times that all of us are provoked beyond our limits. You did say you are usually very good at avoiding that reaction and that in itself is progress. Chalk it up to human nature and put your trust in HP. I think you're doing great!
I feel your pain. I know exactly how this is, to finally just lose it and you can't control the responses to A. Then you feel guilty. The only thing I guess I do is pray for HP to help guide me through my reactions and help me to be calm and peaceful. It doesn't always happen but I pray every day for that to happen. Also, (this is much easier said than done) "pause when agitated" and pray before you react. Of course, in my experience I finally snap and don't think at all about praying at that time, just blow!!! But, maybe keep thinking about it and it will happen. All we can do is pray sometimes.
It sounds like you're ready to set up some boundries but aren't sure where they go. It also sounds like you're living with the "If nothing changes, nothing changes" cycle. There's a long poem, I can't remember where it is, that ends up with the summation that "We are creatures of character. Charater is a summation of actions which determine our destiny." It sounds like you've come to this recognition and you're through running on a dirty hamster wheel. So, you're ready to make changes, you just don't know where.
Set clear and consise boundries with your S.O. If you continue to do X, I will do Y, then be prepared to actually do it. Additionally,remember that boundries are based in self respect, you've got to give it to yourself first to be able to feel it from others. A good example of a boundry a mother has used is that "If you are drinking and you call my home, I will not talk to you." She hasn't done it in about a month (? maybe more? Can't remember). A good example of a boundry I've used with my fahter is that "If you become violent with me, I will call the police." He hasn't become violent in over 1 year.
Create the boundry for the specific need, after giving thought, consideration and preperation. Be certain how you word things so that you are speaking with a recovery head, not a reactionary head (Reactionary: "All right! That's it! If you ever do that again, I'll..." Recovery: "I have decided that if you decide to do X again, I will respond by...") The more specific you are about the boundry, therefore knowing why it was created, it will be easier to enforce and will remove the need to explain it to the one it is imposed on.