The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In our house my partner has cornered this room as her den. Obstensibly it is somewhere she can go to smoke as she is the only smoker in the family. Effectively however she uses it as her bolt hole where none of the family will bother her until she decides to take part in family life. At that point family life is expected to revolve around her, otherwise we are accused of living under separate rules and disenfranchising her and her son.
Time seems to pass very quickly in this room as she can be unaware of hours passing as she smokes and talks to her AA buddies on the phone. She has always seemed to be resentful of the amount I can achieve in a day, not surprising the amount of time she devotes to cigarettes notwithstanding she has been off work for two and a half months.
I hate going into this room. What usually happens is that she tries to instigate a deep and meaningful discussion on her condition. After a period of time my eyes glaze over as it is a story I have heard time and time again. She does not talk to me, she talks at me. I don't need to respond. Last night I told her that I didn't want to "take part" in a discussion as I had only popped my head around the door to see if she was ok and to maybe have a chat. Didn't make much difference. She spent the next half hour talking about how the members of her Sunday evening group seemed to be resentful of her honesty. It was all I could do not to suggest that maybe members with 20+ years sobriety had seen this all before. Ten minute zealots who come in, having read all the literature, talking the talk. Maybe she needs a little more than 10 weeks without a drink before they will accept her proselityzing?
Sometimes I feel that my life is dripping away during these "lectures". I have told her that she needs to deal with her issues while I have my own to deal with that are not burdened upon her. It is not that I don't care, rather it is that I hear the same stories over and over and over again. Nothing seems to progress, she is the worlds worst procrastinator.
At least when she is bad mouthing her group she is not on my back but I do have to be careful not to appear to play devil's advocate otherwise her wrath can quite easily shift. I will be accused of not caring, of having no empathy, no compassion, lack of support. She will list her problems, that she is sure she suffered a mental breakdown, that she is convinced she is suffering symtoms of ME. It is all bad. I ask her to tell me something good for a change. About the only positive she acknowledges is that she is working the program.
In a month my 17 year old son will be leaving home for university and I'll tell you what, I feel like going with him. That will leave me, my 13 year old daughter (who does not have a good relationship with my partner) my partner and her 12 year old son. My step son is a pawn. Ignored by her most of the time then used as an example of how shit life is because no-one ever does anything with him. He is 12 for pete's sake! He plays computer games, watches tv and listens to music. He is antisocial. He is an adolescent boy! That is what they do! It's a phase. They get through it. They don't want to be hanging around their mummy. She takes it as a sign of how living with my family has changed him. It is all bad. Deal with it....other parents do!
I used to have a fabulous relationship with my daughter but after a year of living together that relationship has suffered. I am sure I am resented for showering more attention on my partner (in an effort that things are not taken out on my daughter any more than they already are). I fully accept that once my son moves out my daughter may well decide to go live with her mother. If so that will be another issue I will need to deal with.
I hate alcoholism. I hate the self-centredness it engenders. Life was never this unpleasant, even when I was a single dad. When I met my partner 3+ years ago I needed nothing from her, I wanted to be with her. I neither need nor want this. Will the egocentric, navel-gazing ever abate? Do I have anything to look forward to? Or should I begin to consider an exit strategy, because I can't imagine having to live like this for years on end like I read here many people have done.
This post has turned out to be far longer than I intended. I think that by letting it out it has made me feel better, stonger. Thank you for listening.
' because I can't imagine having to live like this for years on end like I read here many people have done.'
I have read your earlier posts and think about your situation. You sound like an intelligent and compassionate man who has reached a difficult point with your partner. Read your above quote carefully. It says quite a lot, don't you think? You have two children of your own to continue to nurture. I don't know where her son fits into your life at this point. But a 13 year old daughter needs more and more and more for quite a few more years. I hope that you will find a solution and some relief to this. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Your partner sounds so much like my husband. My husband has a legally diagnosed mental illness called "Borderline Personality Disorder". When I found the paperwork and discovered his diagnosis I was stunned. It sounds like such a new age bogus condition. But it is very real and very serious.
I finally did research and my jaw hit the floor. It like fit him to a "T"!!!
Most people with this condition are never diagnosed they are usually intelligent enough to find people to hide behind who will protect them (like you). My husband only has a diagnosis since he joined the army. He pulled out his stuff there and they did not put up with it. He caused a whole lot of trouble and they finally diagnosed him and kicked him out with a medical discharge. He thinks it is a joke and not a real diagnosis, he thinks the army got rid of him since they did not want to pay him more due to his advanced degree...sigh.
Anyway, do research into it, as my therapist says it is VERY VERY common in alcholics.
It may help you to understand.
I still say that you are probably dealing with far more than alcoholism here. Vandalizing your computer (when it is your source of income AND hers since you say she does not work, besides putting food into her son's mouth and your daughter), neglecting her son, keeping the household in an uproar and keeping you so discombubulated you neglect your own daughter and causing both children to act out in criminal (your stepson breaking into a neighbor's home) and dangerous and unhealthy manner (your daughter being sexually active at age THIRTEEN) to scream out that they are in trouble and most of all holding a KNIFE over your head are clear signs of mental illness I am afriad...
Remember, alcohol is not an entity in itself. It does not "take over your mind" like some parasite with its own agenda. It simply lowers inhibitions in the brain. So, what most people keep a lid on normally spills out. With most normal people what spills out is unkind and childish thoughts and feelings from the more primitive part of the brain, not crimes (vandalism) and extreme violence (the knife over your head while you are sleeping).
When you write you sound like a vitcim of shellshock. You describe shocking events that make most people shudder, yet you describe them in a matter of fact everyday tone. That can come from dealing with mental illness on a long term basis. Craziness becomes "normal"...sigh.
Mike, you sound like such a caring father and compassionate and loving person who has been wounded into almost a stupor like state with all of the craziness you are dealing with, without professional help, BPD can do that to family members.
I am sorry but I can't simply give you the alanon line to go to more meetings and focus on YOU and everything will be fine. I won't chant slogans to you like that will save these children... YOU HAVE TWO CHILDREN who are VICTIMS of your partners mental illness that you seem to be oblivious too. That is very dangerous for them my friend. You say your daughter is acting out sexually at the age of 13...wow...you did not say how old her boyfriend was, sigh. That SHOULD be a serious wake-up call that something is very wrong here, yet here you are matter of factly stating that she may resent you for giving too much attention to your partner...sigh.
You admit that your stepson is neglected and that he broke into a neighbors home...SIGH. That is far more serious than a typical adolecsent consumed with video games. He too is SERIOUSLY acting out, and here you are complaining that your partner is boring you with her program talk...SIGH.
Are you going to wait until your daughter is a pregnant teen and your son is a convicted felon before you wake up to what is going on in your home?
Sorry for my honesty but I really care.
Once again I URGE you Mike to seek proffesional help. A therapist can help you to see why you are so shell shocked into accepting anything that your dangerously ill partner throws your way (and the children's way also).
Mike, I have been through a lot with my husband and I too have had to seek professional help to deal with his mental illness...so I am speaking to you out of compassion...not judgement. I hope you take my honesty in the spirit it is given...to reach out a hand in caring and compassion.
Much Love and compassion to you in your suffering...
Thank you for your insight on adolescent boys, that helped me a lot today. My son has been spending loads of time with his father and this hurt me but now it does not.
Now concerning your own situation, I lived through domestic violence and was lucky to survive. My ex was not an alcoholic but was one of scariest people I have even known. I certainly would not know enough to make any calls on your partner but I would like you to really think of YOURSELF. I am not talking selfish here, I am talk self - preservation. You are worth more than you think.
When all is said and done Mike, the question is, do you stay or do you go? I would ask why you are staying. The resentment you feel toward this woman is blatantly obvious. You are unhappy in the extreme, and find nothing good to cling to. I am not chiding you here; I am simply telling it as I see it. That's what I am known for...LOL!! Through it all, you must do what is in your best interest. If you would prefer to be without her, and I believe you would, then plan your exit, and achieve it without guilt or remorse. It really is a beautiful world; don't spend yours mired in misery. Whatever your choice, I wish you well. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Have you gone to an Al Anon meeting yet? Or done anything seperate from your partner? Because all I'm hearing is "She, she she." What you're really hearing is "My life was absolutely miserable when she was pie eyed and now that she's sober it's even worse because I don't know who she is."
It's time to do something for you. Do things with yourself. You're not defined by her alcholism, or her sobriety. You are your own person. It's time to act like it.
Thank you everyone for responding. Much to think on and contemplate. I truly believe however that it is the disease I am angry with not my partner. It is the person she becomes, not the person she is, that I dislike, and it is the latter individual with whom I stay.
I think part of MY issues also concern my ex wife who is now remarried and yet still seeks to invade my life by phoning the kids EVERY night even though she has them alternate weekends and sees then one evening midweek. I was always between a rock and a hard place and avoided confrontation (as many men do), ultimately to my detriment.
When will I learn to act for myself instead of seeking to avoid hurting others?
Anyway, I WILL read up on BPD. And I DO seek to place my family first while also trying to remain compassionate. A fine balancing act indeed.
RECENTLY A VERY WELL RESPECTED MEMBER OF THIS GROUP POSTED A TOPIC THAT WAS QUITE INTERESTING---IT HAD TO DO WITH WHETHER PEOPLE WANTED TO HEAR THE TRUTH OR WHETHER THEY WANTED TO LISTEN TO A SOFT SHOE WITH THE AL-ANON LOGO ON IT...
HIS QUESTION ALSO ELUDED TO THE FACT THAT ONE LOOKS VERY JUDGEMENTAL WHEN THEY STATE THEIR OPINIONS---I HAVE FALLEN INTO THIS CATAGORY ALTHOUGH I REALLY HAD NO INTENT TO DO SO...I WISH THERE WAS A BETTER WAY TO COMMUNICATE THAN WITH A KEYBOARD
THESE ARE YOUR FACTS AS PORTRAYED
BASICALLY--SHORT TERM RELATIONSHIP MARRIAGE NOT AN ISSUE ABUSIVE DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP HAVE HAD A MUCH LONGER PRODUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE KIDS KIDS ARE BEING EFFECTED BY RELATIONSHIP
