The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sunday morning he had to go to work for a couple of hours. He got home, made us breakfast. I was just doing housework, and mentioned to him I'd like to paint the bedroom. He said really snappy "I don't care WHAT color you paint it" and I asked why he was being so mean, he said, well, he wasn't meaning to sound mean, it just came out that way.
I finally caught him at a sober (well he hadn't drank since the night before) moment, and told him, I loved him. I was sad that all the physical side of our relationship was missing. That why did he want me to go places with him, but tell me all the time I am fat, he hates me, blah blah blah.
He just sat with his back towards me the whole time I was talking. I was trying to talk sensibly while tears kept coming, and choking me. I have gone so long just not telling him how I feel. I said, yes, I'd been married before, but I loved him above all others. Anyone else, I would have been gone a lone time ago. Told him I wanted our marriage to work. Said I was doing everything I could think of, but I couldn't do it on my own. Just basically spilled my guts to him, but not in the hysterical way I have done in the past. I couldn't stop weeping though. I used to try to control men thru tears, sometimes it worked. These were honest tears of sorrow for what has happened to us.
After I had said my piece, and no response from him, (I was only sitting about 2 feet behind him), I got up, got my purse and keys and headed out the door. Went for a drive. Went to Karen's house, she wasn't home. Went to Jane's house. She didn't answer the door. Drove around. Went to Sonic for a burger and cherry limeade. Jane calls on my cell! Yay! I drove back to her house, and we sat and yakked from about 1 to 6. As I was getting ready to leave it was my A sending a message to my cell. "I really do love you please come home." So, as I was getting to my car, I got 2 more messages. "See how you like it. " "Try it".
Then he called, so I answered, he was very drunk, said to be careful on my way home. I mentioned the phone sounded funny, said he had it on speaker phone. Why????
I get home, can't get my key to work. See the curtain on the kitchen door move. He is holding the deadbolt from the inside so I can't do it. I go around to back door, it is unlocked, so I walk in. He's in kitchen standing by the door. "How does it feel!!" He is going on about when I had a restraining order on him in Jan. 2004. I just calmly ignored him. He kept trying to engage me in an argument. I was calm, heart not beating fast or anything. Oh, let me hold on to this serenity!!!! He kept going on how my friend Jane and I were whores because we used to go out dancing together at this bar. Went on an on about filthy vile stuff, accusing Jane and I of having orgies with guys and all kinds of crazy, untrue stuff. Where does this evil though process come from, anyway? Geez. I just did not respond in anyway. Took my book and went outside in the porch swing. When I came in about an hour later, he was in bed, Thank God!
This morning, he left before me for work, and didn't kiss me goodbye or anything. We used to always do that, it was a ritual for us to begin our day. He didn't even say goodbye.
Alcohol has to take everything good and decent from our lives. Even something so simple as a goodbye peck on the lips.
I love my husband in spite of this. It is like he is possessed. And he is, by alcohol. His anger that I thought was gone, has returned. But, now, I have learned how to protect myself mentally and physically. I remove myself from the situation. I used to try to reason with a drunk. Can you imagine that???? Who is the crazy one here????
Anyway, I am getting ready for work. I have my first exercise class tonight. I am excited. Hubby does not know, if he did, he would just run that thru the mud, so I didn't say anything about it.
God has me in his arms. He will not let me fall. (HP or God, whatever) I am a good wife, a good person, a good friend. My husband doesn't hate me. Those mean words that come out of his mouth have no more truth than the crazy things he says about my friend and I. He knows I am none of those things he says I am. He is sick. He hates the disease inside him as much as I do, but for this moment he cannot see his way out. I will keep him close in prayers today. I pray that God will protect him, and surround him with angels.
I pray the same for you today, all my friends. Have a good day, and a good week. May God protect you, and surround you with angels.
I too had a bad day with my husband. He is not quite so vile to me normally, his sickness when drunk takes more of a paranoid quality.
Today we were planning on going to Home Depot for some things for the house. We BOTH planned it for today. Instead he decided to binge today.
I decided to go alone and he had a fit, started yelling nonsense about how I am running my stupid mouth (since I said I was going without him) and trying to get something "started" that he is abusive and I can't be around him (total baloney). Then he started yelling at our daughter and I told her to go to her room (for safety) and he started screaming that I am trying to "convince" her that he is dangerous and I am "always trying to make him look bad"...
We were supposed to go out to eat after and he kept screaming how he DESERVES to "relax" (his euphenism for drinking) and I needed to wait not EVERYTHING is in "YOUR time table" he said. SIGH..It was Sunday, the stores close early...
I just asked him for the money to get him something to go at our favorite Mexican restaurant. Then it got sort of funny...he started screaming that I am setting him up for gas by "scheming" try to get him to eat a bean dish, LOL. I am laughign now, but screaming at the top of his lungs with his veins bugling in his head and his bloodshot eyes nearly bursting out of his skull at the time it was not funny at all.
My Mom heard him and came upstairs, keys in hand, offering to go with me when she heard him screaming at me at the door, making it hard for me to leave with daughter. He still respects my Mom so once she came up he calmed down and went back to his room and let us leave in peace.
We actually had a good time. My daughter and my Mom and I. My daughter was upset and started to talk about it in the car but I told her that when we shut the door of our home it is our VACATION time from him and his alcholism and sickness.
I worry about him many times...He gets crazier and scarier everytime. I don't know how this is going to end...
SIGH!
Hey Becky I am all for your idea of taking better care of yourself (ourselves) and am with you for today. I already exercise about three times a week but need to stretch it to five and have been not wearing make-up that much (too hot) but will try again. Straightening my hair is OUT though, LOL, it is too humid and would not last a minute. I will wait until fall for that again. At least I put up my hair in an attractive style everyday though, people keep asking if I got a perm and did it on purpose, LOL.
I am also doing weight watchers with my sister and daughter. We got the "Weight Watchers At Home" program which is a lot cheaper than meetings. Basically they send you a kit to do the whole program forever, so you only pay once. The kit has a points calculator so you can find out the points of any food you want. It really is great.
I need to lose 35 pounds to be my high school weight, sigh, and want to by my reunion in November. I hope I can make it...
Thanks for the encouragment. Want to do WW with me in support? I like this...the focus on ME part....
It's nice to hear you say that you are a good person. You are my friend.
I guess in many ways I was really lucky when hubby was drinking, his words weren't mean even when we were arguing. But when they were, I had to remind myself that it was the alcohol talking, not the man I married. But there were those times when the words cut like a knife.
I'm sorry you had such a bad weekend. But you managed to have some bright spots, and that's what'll get you through the rough ones. Have a ball at Curves. We have one up the road here, and I'm thinking of looking into it, when the finances clear up a bit. I like to work out at home because I'm not into "the gym scene". Way too old for that, but I'm a bit with it. Time to change things up. What I really love to do is walk, and can't wait for the fall and winter when I get frisky.
Hang in there lady, your working your program just fine. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
The topic of your discussion is something that I have started hating this past year and a half. My favorite day has always been Monday even when my H wasn't drinking because I work at home and when he goes to work and the boys are in school, my house is quiet and I can work better. But now that he started drinking every weekend, I hate it in a different way.
That is sad that your H didn't respond to you in the way you wanted him too. But for him to do that, wouldn't you think that would be him admitting he had a problem? I have said the same things to my H and sometimes he hears me, but most the time he just defends himself and says he has a right to drink on the weekends, that he worked all week and he is doing nothing wrong. But to me, he is taking that time away from "us."
When my H drinks, it is like we are two different people. I just don't like being around him and I have nothing in common with him. He says if I just would have a few with him, I would not feel that way??? I don't like to drink and I don't need to drink to have fun or relax.
Finally, I got enough strength this weekend to leave Friday afternoon and drive down to my mom's house. I told my H I was going to a birthday party my sister was having for her son, which I did. Then I called later and left a message for him that I was spending the night. He was already passed out though. I didn't come home until 9:00 p.m. the next day. He never called me because he was drinking and probably having a good time without me here. But that's okay, because I had a good time without seeing him drink.
I thought this morning, in a way, I am doing back to him what he does to me every weekend when he drinks. When he drinks, he leaves me for Friday and Saturday, mentally. He goes into his own world of drinking and I am out of it. Does that make sense?
By me leaving this weekend, I left him and went into my own world without him. It was a nice world. Full of my loving family around me that doesn't need to drink to have a good time, relax and talk. We had so much fun and no one had a drink of any alcohol. So I guess I am not the square one, I have a whole family that is!
Thanks for listening and thanks for your post. I really can relate to what you are saying.
I am so sorry you are going through this on the weekend, the time supposed to be full of rest and relaxation. But, you inspire me, because you are working the program no matter how difficult your life is right now. You still know that you are a good person, and that your husband does love you. And you detached very well from what you wrote.
It is so horrible sometimes to see how different As are when active, the true meanness comes out, and I believe, the anger at themselves is directed of course to us. I am so glad to learn that it is not them, but the disease, even though knowing this does not help the outcome, it helps my sanity to know there is nothing I can do about it.
I am praying for you and your family, and good for you to treat yourself great and exercise. I've been doing a lot more exercise myself, and my mood is SO much better. There is no excuse not to do it!!!
Becky I was ok with your post until he called you a "whore." That's where I quit reading. I am afraid that hateful speech is crossing a line - imho - that is past the returning point. Even if it's spoken by a drunk!! My hat's off to you dear. I would have left; for good. I don't understand why anyone would allow herself to be degraded this way. Explain it to me Becky. Please don't say, "Because I love him." God help me, I just don't understand.
I hope you will read my post and take it in the manner I intended. No unkindness; no animosity; no anger. Simply why??
I send all good wishes,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I went to work today, had a great day, went to Curves after work, it was fun, and felt really good! I think I can do this. I am not taking the antidepressant anymore, and that was $20 a month, so I only need $10 extra to pay the $30 a month fee. I am still on the free week this week, though. It felt good to move my muscles after standing in one place all day at work.
Isabella, that is so great you are doing WW! I am proud of you! When we lose this weight that is dragging us down, who know what we will do! LOL
Diva, I wish I had an answer for you. I honestly do not know. I told him honestly this weekend, when we were having "The talk" that if it had been anyone else, I would have been gone. A long time ago. I never put up with this much out of any man before. The only answer I can give you, is, when he gets like that, everything he says is crazy, and untrue. I kind of look at him like he is Tourett's Syndrome, or whatever, and cannot help what he says. Under the influence of alcohol, maybe he can't. I know I am not a whore, so it doesn't drag me down. In fact, every word that comes out of his mouth when he is like this is pure nonsense. Almost like a little kids who says "I hate you, Mommy!" when you know there is no way they hate you. They are just trying their best to say something to hurt you, because I believe they hurt so bad inside.
I would much rather be myself, than to be him. He must be a miserable, very hurting person. He hates the disease, at the same time he denies having it. He must wish he could drink "normally." I don't know, but thanks for the thought provoking question! No offense taken!
Update: Tonight I get home from Curves, he has left me a note that he and his friend went to Dayton to check out some stuff at a siding company, as we are needing to put siding on our house, and need a few items to install it, trim pieces or whatever. The siding itself has been in our garage for about 5 years. Anyway, he said in the note "Hey, Baby..........blahblahblahsidingstuffblah.......Love, Your Husband". What the Hell! Glad I didn't surrender my serenity to his disease yesterday. See, it works if you work it. What a difference from all the years when I cried, threatened, fought back, yelled, cried, cried, cried and cried. Buckets and buckets of tears, couldn't go to work, couldn't face anyone. So work it, you are worth it.
I can relate a great deal to your experience. Sometimes the A is full of rage and I am the one who gets it. He can scream and shout and pout and then he will go out for hours. Before his leaving bothered me. Now it does not.
I do not have the sense of finding that much relief though. I am very isolated and I will have to take actions on that. I am planning too. I have also been working on my appearance and trying to feel better. I do feel better in general. I also feel very tired.
.
with it. Time to change things up. What I really love to do is walk, and can't wait for the fall and winter when I get frisky. 
