The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I was talking to a friends last night. We were talking about fear and this led us into anorexia. It sent me into a panic, so I knew there was more than meets the eye on this topic.
To start with I dislike food. It always seems like things revolve around food and this gets me so angry. I would be happy not eating, if it were possible, but I know that is not an option.
In my youth I definatly suffered from anorexia. I would not eat. At first I thought it was self image issue, and I still beleive that somewhat. I now also beleive it was a control issue. Recently, as I was struggling with an eating issues, or lack of eating issue, I realized it was a control issue at this point of my life.
I basically eat jsut what I need to eat or I over eat. In the last week or so I have been told I look good, something I haven't heard, by 3 people. I had gained some weight. I am struggling cause my clothes don't fit like I'd like them to, I don't look like I'd like to, and the scale says I'm heavier than I'd like to be. I wouldn't call myself fat though... and I've definately been thinner.
I guess what I'm looking for is ESH on how others have dealt with this. I know it is considered a controling disorder, so how do I control it? How do I get to the point where I am actually happy with ME? In all reality I can live with myself as I am today... do I like me as I am??? Not really.
Any ESH will help. I know I am not alone in this, but I am scared. When I get scared I want to isolate, and that is why I am writing now, cause I know that is not a good place for me to be. I want to get healthy and I am. I guess this is just another baby step for me.
I haven't got any experience with eating disorders, but I do have experience with self destructive behaviour. Here's how it has worked for me -
First step is where you are right now - a nagging sense that maybe things are out of control.
Second step - stop. This is one of the simplest ways to see if you really do have a problem. If you try to quit the behaviour, and can without much trouble, you probably never really had a problem. Set yourself up a healthy plan, and stick to it.
If step two doesn't work, then you KNOW that there is a problem, and the next step is to get some help. Although the self knowledge you gain through alanon is sure to help you with your eating problem, we aren't really the best place to come for help with it. I'd start by talking to my doctor, being as honest as possible, and see where that leads. This is not something you want to do all on your own - it can be dangerous, and even fatal.
For me, going to step two was never too hard, it was the jump to step three when needed that got me. When I was worried about my drinking and tried to stop, it worked out very well. I quit entirely for a while, and then stayed cut down to a healthy and reasonable amount - it's been nearly twenty years. Whenever I have noticed (only once, since, really) that maybe I'm heading in the wrong direction again, I just quit for a while. Some other things, though, I have not been as good about. The behaviours that brought me alanon, for example. It took me a lot longer to make the step to come here than was in my best interest.
The fact that you are in alanon shows that you would rather live and be happy than be destroyed. Use that desire to get yourself on thae right path.
Learning to be comfortable in my own skin, no matter what the scales say or mirror reflects has always been a challenge for me.
Like you said, some of it for me is about self-esteem, self-image, some of the damage that is received when you are raised in an alcoholic home, but than again some of it is ALL about control.
When my life is unmanagable, my A's are in the depths of their disease, financial insecurity, job worries, on and on and on - then I can get caught up in controlling the only thing I can - my Food intake. I never really thought I had a problem with this until I heard the words come out of my mouth "I wish I never had to eat again" By the Grace of my HP, something in me clicked to know that is such an unheathy thought.
Just to show you how unheathy and how much I have been affected by this disease, I can also go completely the other way, too. If I am depressed and feeling overwhelmed, I can also take comfort in food. I know that sounds like a contradiction to the above paragraph, but depends on the state of mind - sometimes I can gorge myself on food - If I feel so badly, physically, mentally - then I can justify with then I deserve the special treat with a unheathy meal - but then I don't stop - I overeat to the point of making myself ill.
So when I get those feelings of unmanagability, I have to really focus on my program of recovery. Continue to give my will and my life over to the care of my HP, stay in close contact with my sponsor and other Al-Anon friends, attend meetings and take care of my physical needs - by eating properly and getting the rest I need.
Just my E, S, & H,
Learning to Live Life One Day at a Time and No matter what, me and my HP will be ok, even better than OK,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
well Sandie I have been there I was anorexic and bullemic. Yes it took a lot of work to overcome them. It is a controlling issue. I know now I did it because my life was soo unmanageable so in my head I was doing the only thing I thought at that time I could control. My parents are my qualifiers so there was definetly chaos in my home. My dad controlled us. It was more then control though. It was abuse. So I guess in my head I wanted something to do so that I felt good. SO there it went from disliking food to totally not eating anything and when I would I would either exercise profusely or I would throw it up.It made me feel good at one time but let me tell you it takes a lot out of you. I nearly ruined some of my major organs.
One thing I found that helped me to recover was to eat little by little. Even if I was not eating a lot it was start. I also went into the mirror and started telling myself I am worthy of food. I used it to punish myself too. SO if you would like to talk more just pm me
*~Lauren*~ aka ash
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~life is like a box of chocolates you never know whatcha gonna get~
Generally speaking, a professional therapist can evaluate eating disorders/disordered eating. It's more important that the motives behind the eating behaviors be examined than simply excused. For those of us with eating problems, our core motive was control--we lacked it, so we controlled what we could. What we couldn't, we tried harder to.
I highly encourage you to discuss your food history with a professional therapist and a nutritionist.
this is so enlightening. i have been wondering lately if i have an eating disorder. when i am in crisis i just don't eat. i don't feel worthy,i have no interest. i was skeletol at one point. sometimes i throw up when i'm stressed. i never really saw it as a big deal. i grew up in an alcoholic home where my grandma cook dinner every night but my mother would tell me to throw some microwave light popcorn in the microwave for dinner in the car. and i am a dancer so in the 80ies we smoked to keep our weight down and starved ourselves. so until very recently i just thought that's how women are. but now i have acid reflux and an ulcer. still i am finding it hard to take care of myself. then as soon as the crisis is over i gorge and usually gain back all the weight i've lost and then some. funny, i never saw it as a control issue. just the way i react to stress. well, duh! the way i react to stress is to try to stay in control of something that being my food intake. thank you so much for bringing this topic up. it's nice to feel not alone and hear other's story.
I have been and are currently in your situation. I am anerexic and bolimic, (sorry the spelling) and have been since I was about 12 I believe. I started out bolimic, then got so sick of being sick that I just stopped eating, that's what I seem to do everytime. I know some say it is a control thing, for me however, I dont see how it is. The best way I can explain it is like the alcoholics say in aa. they drank when they were happy, they drank when they were sad, ect ect. they didn't drink because of something happening in their lifes, they drank because they were alcoholics. All the nouns didn't cause them to drink, the disease did. Anerexia is a disease, just the same as alcoholism. No matter what I do or how I look, my head says the same thing.
I'm sick in my disease right now and am having trouble keeping anything down except for the number on the scale. I try to eat, but it just makes me sick. I wear a size 3 and still see fat in the mirror. Here again, nothing's wrong in my life, I am actually happy with almost every part. The only thing that's not "right" is the fact that I'm not taking care of me and keeping tabs on my disease. Just like an alcoholic going back out, the disease didn't go away just cause they were sober for a while.
Over eaters anon. has people like you and I in their groups, not just people who over eat. They dont have meetings in my town, so that's not an option for me, but maybe for you that might help you. Going to open aa meetings and changing the words I hear other aa members say from alcohol to anerexia in my mind helps me to remember that this is a disease I have, that I am sick, I am powerless over having this disorder, but not over what I do with it. Thanks for posting, I really needed it. Pray for me and know I'll be praying for you too.
