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I dont party nearly as much as my husband. We met during our party days. I stopped partying when we had our son 14 yrs ago. When I do have a few drinks it seems we get along alot better. Do I go back to drinking? or choose to go on w/resentment towards my husband? Sometimes I feel its best to go back to the old days, sometimes I feel its best not to. Can anyone relate?
We moved furniture earlier today to get ready for major painting of the first floor. Yes Ive been drinking and listening to music to get me through this - get me in the cleaning mood, etc. Im ready to invite my husband to spend the night with me (but I know it will get us no where physically as I know my husband cant without help even when he hasnt been drinking). The physical closeness would be nice though.
At a recent f2f meeting another Al-anon member was sharing about the progression of his own disease. He referred to the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" phase. I could absolutely relate. There were days when my A and I first met that I could have "drank him under the table". I, like you, had our first child, grew up and moved on. Time went by and my "dryA" picked up after 10 years of abstinence. With all of the knowledge I had, what I knew about the progression of his disease etc.. yeah, I joined in. It was another stage of my own disease. It did not make it any better, and I got a headache! LOL certainly not worth it.
I was also reading recently about how the A want the other people around him/her to punish him/her, as a way to release the guilt. If we yell, scream, scold (like a child would be treated, although not a healthy parent reaction either), the A has been punished, can relieve himself/herself of the guilt and go on. Much like a child, where this type of "behavior modification" is completely ineffective, it is also ineffective in changing the behavior of the alcoholic. It is not a true, natural and logical consequence of the behavior.
I am not sure why I included that second part. When I started to type it, there was a connection, but now I cannot remember it. But it was such and AH-Ha moment for me, I think that I'll leave it in anyway, maybe you will find something in it that is useful.
yeah I'm interested in that one , sometimes I wonder if I'm 'supposed to drink' if someone else is , tricky sometimes isn't it. I guess the sensible answer would be no wouldn't it, and I can go to a party without alcohol, but I know what you mean if you feel people are drinking you sometimes feel bad about not joining in. Usually I don't though because the programme I think is teaching me that try to stick to doing what I really want to do rather than what someone else wants . Or at least as far as not doing something that would be harmful to me at the time , theres nothing wrong with going along with a suggestion I guess if you're going to be OK . Most of the time people suggest things that are fine and I want to go with that , but occasionally I have to draw a line somewhere , something like that . And then also not beat myself up if I have slipped into 'codependenly' doing what other people want because I'm told that I will slip up and not to worry about it but just staying with the programme and handing it all over , thanks for an interesting share ,
I think we want to grow to a point that we can decide for ourselves what is best for us. So that we can say "I want a drink", and just have one, without any worry as to what message that sends, or what others (A and non A ) will make of it. "To thine own self be true" is wonderful advice - the problem with many of us is that we have spent our whole lives being untrue, and really don't know who we are or what we want. One step at a time, though we can find out.
Meant to also say "The old ways" isn't so much drinking with him or not drinking, but choosing your actions according to what he is doing rather than according to what YOU want. THAT'S an old way you want to stay away from.
My A has said that he is comfortable with me drinking wether or not he is sober. So once in a while I would bring home a small bottle of something he did not like the taste of. Well..... when an A relapses, they will drink anything.
At this stage in his recovery, I am not comfortable even cooking with it. We had a pizza last night, and the dough had a bit of a yeasty taste to it and I thought it might "trigger" him. But it didn't seem to bother him. He knows that if he takes a drink, he will die. His doctors told him that if he relapses don't bother coming back, because he will die. He knows this and is working hard at his program.
However, I believe that it is too early in his recovery to even think about buying any alcohol. I am not comfortable with it. That's the key. I am not comfortable with it. I probably could have a glass of wine with dinner, and nothing would happen. But why take the chance. The other thing is frankly at this stage I don't want one. If our recovery means anything, it means doing what is right for us. The fact that I don't have any desire to drink (and I am not an alcoholic) is good for me, and good for him. I like what TT said about leading by example. If I work my program perhaps he will stay with his. I can't ask him to work his program if I'm not willing to do that myself.
The decision is yours. But for me, not picking up the first drink is what I need to do. Because in many ways, I have the disease too, and I will not "die" for his, phyically or emotionally.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
((((TT and Kari)))) said it straight up. ** This precious Life is Your life. You have to decide what is best for you. We're ~ me, you,her, him , them,here because we have been affected by anothers drinking/drugs.
I see in your wording...that you are questioning yourself enough to share it. I also began thinkin' 'bout MY "the old days... ol ways....ick." Hmmmmmm..... they werent all that great... not all that good. Yes, struggled in this place you are in. AND also, just like you, remembered; I AM NOT ALONE.
I am so glad you are here ((this message board- ALANON)
You are Here Today. That means something too. Its a GOOD THING .
...... as many times as I need to .... I WILL choose to begin again. I will begin again ~WORKING IT!! Because I AM WORTH IT.I choose to **focus on ME and to ** Work the Program.
Something that is great about this wonderfullllll program... I can start at step one, if and when I get caught up in and realize I have it (ALANON TOOL- STEPS) to work with. THAT MOMENT finds me there! I know now and will always remember that each day, as many times as needed in a Day... I CAN always begin at the beginning. Step 1. So I get busy reading... go to meetings. REMIND myself It is still ok to let myself Let Go and Let HP/ God have whatever it is that is making me think a drink is gonna fix it. I go to a *meeting. I make time for other GOOD things that make me feel better about TODAY. By talking about good things with a friend.. decorating? haha. I 'm feeling better then. I also choose to go workout....... or to take a walk., or just let myself relax in the sun and read a book on ideas about old homes and pretty gardens, on interior decorating...stuff like that for ideas to finish my house.... * it gets me motivated. I choose not to drink.
I also use to go out and party in my younger years, since children almost 16 years ago that has all changed.
My friend said to me one day, the thing is when we were young we partied so we married men who did the same.....now we have grown up and they have not......
You said, you have a 14 yr old, someone has to be the responsible adult......
I hope you find your way, without regret or resentment....life can be a wonderful thing.....
You have gotten some really good messages already so I'll keep it quick. I too drank with the A, in the beginning we went out all the time. I knew then in my gut that he liked the alcohol too much but didn't know what the disease was then. I see how hard it is now for him to stay sober. I try to be respectful as my family endulges on get together's, and occassionally I get together with a friend and we have a glass of wine or two. I have kept the alcohol away from him. If he were home it wouldn't be in the house. If I go out with out him and have a couple that's my choice. My life doesn't revolve around the alcohol like it did for him, so I don't even really discuss it. Don't know if this helps, just putting in my two cents. Take care,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I also began thinkin' 'bout MY "the old days... ol ways....ick." Hmmmmmm..... they werent all that great... not all that good. Yes, struggled in this place you are in. AND also, just like you, remembered; I AM NOT ALONE. 
.... I WILL choose to begin again. I will begin again ~WORKING IT!! Because I AM WORTH IT. I choose to **focus on ME and to ** Work the Program. 
.. I CAN always begin at the beginning. Step 1. So I get busy reading... go to meetings. REMIND myself It is still ok to let myself Let Go and Let HP/ God have whatever it is that is making me think a drink is gonna fix it. I go to a *meeting. I make time for other GOOD things that make me feel better about TODAY. By talking about good things with a friend.. decorating? haha. I 'm feeling better then. I also choose to go workout....... or to take a walk., or just let myself relax in the sun and read a book on ideas about old homes and pretty gardens, on interior decorating...stuff like that for ideas to finish my house.... * it gets me motivated. I choose not to drink.