The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have this really deeply ingrained habit of mothering my husband. To put it bluntly. We do the dance. He acts like a child I treat him like one, I act like a mother he acts like a child. It is totally annoying me. I am getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. It is going to take an enormous amount of effort on my part to break these patterns. It goes against everything I know and everything that is comfortable. But I do know I want to break it off. I hate it and resent it. But funny thing......I keep doing it....LOL.....insanityyyy!!!!!!!!!! It really is quite funny to me in this moment!
So, I was wondering if some people could share things with me that have worked for you. Practical things for the in the moment times to help get through it. I need some experience, strength, and hope from you.
My first thought is, when I take care of me, and work on myself, I stop "mothering.". Though I have not done that in this marriage. Took me years of being with out a mate to learn how to be the person I want to be and am.
Still learning though!
When I am changing something about me, I say,"stop" in my head. Then I put in whatever I am working on. For instance when I was working on loving me, I stopped the negative crap I put in my head. Said stop then put in,"I am ok just how I am."
If I was working on what you are,hmmm I would say, "stop" and put in, "I will take care of me." keep it simple.
I had a horrible experience and every time I drove down a road I would think of it. Now I don't do it after a long time of stop, then thining of wild purple irises.
One neat thing about Alanon is I learned to keep things simple.
What can we do as individuals? WE can be responsible for our own stomachs, we can do our own wash, we can make our own decisions and take our own consequences.
Also if we mother someone, we do not allow them dignity, and also we don't allow them the chance to learn their own power and their own strengths.
I know when my A husband is around, I don't want him to take care of me. I want him to share, but not baby me. I want to share with him. We took turns cooking sometimes, he built me a barn, I bought his cloths, he brought me home oodles of flowers to plant.
If we don't allow each other to be individuals, how will we know who they are, what their specialness is?
Hmm ya made me think. love and hugs,debilyn who is now mothering 12 3/4 grown chicks. (c:
Don't expect yourself to change all at once - it took years to get this way. However, it is true that nothing succeeds like success - take those baby steps, and it will snowball.
For me, if I can leave the situation, so I am not tempted to interfere, I do better. When something comes up and I start to get that anxious "I just HAVE to step in and fix this" feeling, I will go for a walk (the dog loves this!) or leave the room, anyway. If I can't see and hear what is going on, I can resist much better. Sometimes I have to literally bite my tongue, in order to keep quiet about something that is not my business, but I am getting better.
Another way is to get busy on something that IS my business - if I am at the gym working on this flabby butt, or down in the basement sorting out all those boxes of stuff, I am not acting inappropriately somewhere else.
I tend to be attracted to and become attached to men that "need" me. I am a "giver" which is NOT the best personality trait, very draining.
I dont know how to tell you to stop, but, I can tell you that it will escalate until you are a shell of the person you once were....my marriage, whew, I changed alot.
Holly