The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i just wanted to thank U guys for taking time to "hug" me in my world of hurt here
i am working the steps on having to accept that all i may get out of this program is to love/treat me and others better...
there may NOT be any lights at the end of the tunnel...there may NOT be any better circumstances ahead
and i think i clung to the "hopes and dreams and wants/ needs" cuz i am AFRAID to let them go....afraid that i will get to the point where "there is nothing to look forward to"
i am assesing my life...the ONLY thign this program can really guarantee is better relationship with self and others....thats IT....
there again i fell into the coda/addict rabbit hole , thinking magic miracles and "miracles" at the end of this would appear, and its the same old stew, just re-heated as somebody so wisely said
i am a dreamer, cuz this life has sucked really majorally, so far, and i have to get OUT of that and hopefully after i grieve out all my ENORMOUS losses, i can come to SOME sort of acceptance...acceptance that my karma may NOT get better, but i CAN, love/treate me and others better, and i will have to go with that
play the cards i know i have and make the best of it...
i just gotta give up these stupid dreams of mine and ACCEPT the things and they are MANY that i cannot, just cannot change/improve.....
i guess facing b-day #60 really hit me like "hey if my awsome plan was commin, it would have been by now---get real and ACCEPT"
so i am working on my steps books, and doing the self help thing to learn to deep breathe...meditation....telling me i love/accept me as i am......excercise....vitamin therapy.....muscle therapy........ and that is IT.....thats all i can do....i heard when u get traumatized like i was, it hits the deepest levels of the brain and that is why it such a buggar to heal....but i'll give it a go......
i , too, feel like those old folks on that brittish comedy "waiting for god" that is the way i feel...........learn to love/treat me good so i can give love to others, and wait for the end to come....
so i am in the , what?? , next to the last stage of this grief thing....i did the denial thing.....did the bargaining thing......did the anger thing, BOY did i do the anger thing, NOW i am doing the GRIEF thing, so i can get TO the ACCEPTANCE thing.....i lost my life to the trauma and the resultant addictions/ codapendency...that is sad, and that is fact, and i better learn to accept it and give up all the needs/wants that are not doable under my power...that MOST likely won't be returned to me...... "do life" on a 24 hr. basis and LET GO......
so thanks u angels for comforting me.....i am going to do the "down time" thing...(will offer support on this board when i can , though--i like to help cuz it gives me joy to support others).....and i am going to do ALL things that give me some happiness....
however, i am cutting out all stuff that i don't need to do, unless it is fun or pleasent....do my grieving....comfort me through it....embrace it and allow the feelings.. work the steps/ healing workbooks, ....ONE DAY AT A TIME......
