The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone. This is my first post. I have a cousin who lives across the country from me who I used to be very close with. In the last 20 years, she has gotten on and off pills and for the last 40 years, she's had issues with drinking. She has tried to stop drinking many times and now she's on Naltrexone. She does everything except decide to quit drinking. It's not surprising that she's trying to get by with using a pill to stop drinking, since turning to medications is always her go-to for any issue she's having. She also doesn't want to quit smoking weed.
I recognize that all of these things are her choice. My trouble is, I'm really worn out by it. I have tried to be supportive of her efforts for over ten years now and I don't have the energy for it anymore. It's really, really hard for me to keep encouraging her. I know it's really hard for her and I hope this works for her, but I'm just worn out. She does everything to avoid giving up drinking completely. "I'm just going to give up vodka. I think I can handle beer." "I'm going to start swimming again so I can get fit and give up drinking." "I'm going to take care of ME for once so I can quit drinking." I have heard these things over and over and over for more than ten years.
I know that nothing I say can change her, so I don't say anything except, "I'm glad you have found something that you want to try." And, "Don't attach any shame to your failures. Just try something else and see if that works. You're just taking data and if one thing doesn't work for you, find something that does."
I feel terrible, but I can't even muster those kinds of things anymore. I just want to scream, "Perhaps you should try to stop drinking and go to AA!" She refuses to go to AA and I think it's because she would actually have to be accountable to someone. She says that it's because she doesn't want to hear peoples' stories and doesn't feel the need to share hers. I think she is looking for any excuse to pooh-pooh AA so she doesn't have to do the soul searching.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can handle my relationship with her? She is estranged from her whole family and I'm all she's got but I'm tired. I only talk to her (once a week) because I feel bad for her. I get absolutely nothing out of our conversations. She said some awful things to me a few years ago and we didn't speak for six months and it was wonderful. I'm just bored and tired of her now.
Thanks for reading this and any suggestions you might have.
Welcome Worn out. You found our message board so perhaps you have landed in the right place. We unfortunately cannot stop those we love with addiction and alcoholism. All it does is make us sick and wears us out. We here have all been affected by our family or friends' drinking, and I learned I had become sick as well. Alanon can help us let go and learn to focus on ourselves. It's not that we stopped loving our loved one, but we do get exhausted from trying over and over again and having no results. I'm wondering if you can try a meeting in person or online, and start to recover yourself. Alcoholism is a family disease that affects everyone. I'm happy you reached out. Our message board is at an all time low for participants, but a few of us keep trying to revive MIP. Keep coming back. Lyne :)
Welcome.
You sound very perceptive about this person. Loving detachment is an option. Say what you mean and don't say it mean.
It's always a bit difficult walking away from someone you feel responsible for because of family ties. But we can't rescue these addicts. I heard something just the other day that stuck with me about an addicted loved one.....they aren't lost, they're hiding. Kinda like what you were saying about your cousin not wanting to be accountable. The distinction for me was like a revelation. Sometimes people aren't lost, they're hiding from doing the work.
And we can't do it for them. That's just reality.
Take care. It's OK to walk away.
