The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, it seems the 1st impressions of me are not so good in the place I found to try to get support. I felt a need to work them out as I felt after effects from reaching out in a time of panic and desperation coming back to haunt me. I had wanted clarity in case I was misinterpreted when I was in such awful crisis when my a-mom and a-dau were actively causing me alot of trouble. Unfortunately the time frame it happened in, was about the same time I was given a computer and found a place I thought I could get some support. Before Hurricane Katrina I hadn't seen them in over 10 yrs with exception of once when my a-dau came to what I thought was a visit last year and her youngest childs a-dad came from another state and met her at my apt, as he wasn't allowed to go to hers. He was wasted the whole 3 days b4 I thru him out when he tryed lying on me to my a-dau about wanting to take the kids away. She left with him evenso. I felt so hurt and used as I wanted to love my grankids I had never seen, and 1 only once b4 for a couple of days when she had no place to go, a few yrs previous.
I was not known previously to the place I reached out to and was in terrible shape at the time and my symptoms from the PTSD add alot of panic. Before the evacuation from Katrina, I had plans to get outpatient therapy when my Medicare started in Dec.05, as I still have dysfunctional communication patterns simular to my family. I care took most of them for yrs and buried 3 of them b4 I left the rest of them. All plans were messed up when I lost everything to the flood and someone dropped me off near the A's in another state and left me, assuming they would help me. Of course beings they are still actively using, that didn't work. Their paranoia of being changed or talked to about their use created alot of added problems. The a-mom called me once from the ICU a few weeks ago, blaming me for her getting kicked out of ICU and told me she tryed hard to die while she was visiting in my apt. It was horrible when she was here and complaining to a-dau. When a-dau became physically abusive, I told her to take a-mom and all get out. Haven't seen or heard from since the call from the hospital.
So, the place I reached out to while I was in panic and tons of anger over what alcohol does to people, my family, I thought they would understand what was happening. My anger over what was happening to me may have come out inapproapriately and been interpreted as an attack on the persons I was reaching out to for help. At the time I didn't think I did that. I thought I had avoided making it seem that way and I'm finding out that may not be the case. Beings I was in such a panic during those weeks and quite overwhelmed from the hurricane stuff and this topping it off was .......jeesh, I'm still having trouble wording and figuring out some of it. I've even had to try to put myself in denial about some of it just to stay coping as I still need relocated from where I live now. I'm in kind of isolation with no public transportation and don't know people here. I've called the ACOA clubs and asked them to put my name and # up and no responses yet to go to f2f.
So feeling awful that I went in with a bang, for lack of a better decription, as I wasn't on the other end when all this happened over those few weeks as I reached in desperation,panicked, I seemed to have offended some people and instead of being allowed to clear it up and learn something from it, I'm being put in awkward feeling spot to drop it. And hearing I am to be ignored for it. I wanted to make amends and repair any damage and not be misinterpreted and gossiped about and not be given a chance to be included at a pace I can handle it and not make the same impression or mistakes and get help with the behavior to have recovery with. The way I came across may not have conveyed my intentions. I truly wish I didn't have that problem. I didn't mean for anyone to be hurt by my pain over my family at that time. I must still not know how to reach out in an apropriate manner when confronted with the circumstances I am dealing with. So maybe putting it here might in some way get to those persons thru the HP and let them know I wouldn't purposely hurt anyone. I didn't mean harm to anybody and maybe I should of just shared it with HP in the 1st place. I didn't have great focus at the time and couldn't hear everyone that may have tryed to help me as I was so devastated. I hope HP brings their serinity back to them. And I am truly sorry for any damages I caused in my wrecked state of being. I can't take it back as I wish I could, and talking to those that were involved doesn't seem possible at this point. I pray HP takes care of those that were there and finds me a way to saftey out of this isolated place where I am living. So far the agencies haven't helped me to relocate where I can afford to live. And I don't have any sober family to help me. Being on disability makes it sooo very hard. Emotions can wreck all the intelligence a person has. At least it helps me that a psycologist shared that with me.
I've gone on long enough and appreciate your reading and maybe some prayers for me and to those that felt offended by me as I shouldn't have reached out the way I did. Hopfully the prayers will reach them. I hope you don't mind me writing it here and passing by on my recovery jurne.
...BLESSINGS...
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
I think anyone really working this program will accept your ammends. If not, it's theirs to deal with, not yours. You've tried to clean it up to the best of your ability.
We say in alanon "you can always start your day over"..that has much more meaning then what is on the surface. We can start anything we want to over.
I've come to learn that many times when someone pisses me off, it's MY ego. That old voice saying "how dare you"!!! The new improved voice asks, why is this making me so angry? Do I need to look at myself for a deficit that needs work? Am I holding on to some old ism and reacting to it? Am I having and demanding expectations of how someone should behave?
We're a messed up group up folks :) All with different life stories, yet so similar in our behaviors. It all has to be unlearned and replaced with healthy reactions and behaviors. It ain't easy!!
Anyway... Thanks for your post Start over Keep coming back
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
When I first started in al-anon some things went on that I did not understand. Sometimes these things caused me concern. Sometimes people would say things that made me angry.....or even might make me get up on my self righteous horse!
What I have come to understand is that we all have choices. We get to choose how we react to something someone does or says. If I am working my program the way I understand it to be...I can disagree with what someone has to say...but not let it "get" to me. I also have come to understand that, just like that friend that will tell me when I have a piece of lettuce stuck between my teeth, sometimes my al-anon friends might tell me something that they can see me doing or thinking that I might want to take a look at. I listen to them....because I know that if they are seeing it there is a reason. Doesn't mean I have to agree with what the are saying...but, what harm does it do to stop a second and examine what they think they are seeing. Because I know they are telling me out of love.
hey you, quit being so hard on yourself. Yes I am telling you what to do. well not to do...lol
How are you? So glad you have hung in there and not ran off. I am also glad you do your best to explain when you feel you have been misunderstood.
Lord knows I have blown it on here. Ask Diva!She should be made at me for my mess up. But the lady she is, forgave me.
You have not gotten any help yet? This is really awful. I saw so much money given to Ellen for people like you. I also saw people who did not even live in N. O. Who got money.
Yes the disease of alcoholism can get us all so mixed up. so emotional. I do my best not to write when I am tired. I say things I don't mean then. Venting helps me so much. The responses to me make me feel so rich with friends who understand and relate.
Is it hot there? I miss ya emailing me private. The last post ya sent me I asked ya to repost, then never heard from you.
Well you know, if you can, go on from here. You have apologized, made amends, now get right back on and keep going. One foot in front of the other.
Oh gawd D. Once I had two pen pals online. One in Sweden, one in Japan. I had advertised,NO intimate internet stuff, just friends. The Pakistani in Sweden was so wonderful. He and I talked on teh phone too. Was a gentleman and a friend. The one in Japan was nice but he started wanting to send me his "hottest kiss."
Wellll that was that. I wrote to my friend in Sweden, asking what to do. OMG I sent it to the guy in Japan...oh god. Well needless to say, never heard from the guy in Japan again. Both were wanting to send me money to fly me and a friend to where they lived.
NO way. My friend here in the states wanted me to and to go with me. I was too chicken plus I hate to travel. The Japanese one said he would pay for and meet me anywhere.
I was partly not sure of myself then. Did not love myself as is. Now I don't care. Love me as is or forget it.
SO see we all goof sometimes...lol Love and sending you my hottest kiss.haha debilyn
Thank you so much for the responses. Its been awful tyring to get assistance where I am. I am an hour outside the metro area of the city and the agencies I had contacted all didn't want to come out this far and dropped the ball. I've been in contact with Washington about the situation with 2 different depts. One lady is kindly trying to assist getting it straightened out and get help coming. The exec.director of the other program is supposed to be looking into what went wrong. I've gotten in touch with an advocate in N W La and one in NewOrleans and they are trying to coordinate getting me out of here. Hopfully within a few weeks to a month. There are many horror stories still happening and on the net if looked for. So any prayers to success of them relocating me would be appreciated as these 4 wall and no getting around is awful. Last week I was even having flashes of the movie The Titanic as if I was going down in this apt just like in the movie. Its been like a jail to not be able to go anywhere due to no transportation and have to go thru this. And then they tell me I may have to give up my kitten family as there may not be a place I can bring them with me. I've had them a year now and it will be hard if that happens as they think I'm their mom and went thru both hurricanes with me.
Thanks again and appreciate the prayers and responses
BLESSINGSPEACERAINBOWSSERENITY
__________________
I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
...BLESSINGS...