The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I started off today feeling very productive and like I had regained some of my dignity and my mental and emotional state were starting to return to "normal".
As the day has gone on, I have become very emotional about my A.
I have re-read my posts and I see agony, fear, desperation, anger, strength and hopelessness.
It helped. I realized that IF I were to continue this relationship, it would have been unfair to me, to my kids and to A.
I would never have been able to handle this relationship in a healthy way, it is not about health, it is about disease and addiction.
5 minutes at a time, that is all I can handle.
When the desperation comes to talk to him, I take 5 minutes before I dial, then if the desperation does not go away, 5 minutes more, then take a bath or go the cemetary (GORGEOUS cemetary where I live, people come from all over to see it, sounds weird I know) I DONT CALL HIM.
I dont drive past his house, dont send him desperate letters, dont track him down, dont do a thing.
5 minutes at a time is great - go to the cementary if it helps - you know what works for you - if you can believe, I love to walk around Walgreens now. Because before recovery I hated to show my face because my h was always trying to get those RX's filled fast and furiously. Now I can go and be free . . .
Whatever works for you to work toward serenity . . .
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
One of the great thngs about today is that you can start over as many times as you need to. You can make choices, healthy ones. You can choose to be strong, choose to be anything you want :) If it's every 5 min., so be it. If it's working run with it!!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You sound better today, but still sound like you doubt yourself and don't trust yourself. Addiction and obsession is powerful, but HP is more powerful than even the most agonizing pain you can imagine. There were days when I'd dial the number and just stare at it but I wouldn't hit the send button. Yeah pretty goofy huh? I'd look for reasons to call him but couldn't find any real reasons that made sense for me to retract my goodbye. Its funny how HP arranges things in people's lives. I saw this man again two years later. My best friend took me to the restaraunt that he waited tables for. It was a great restaraunt, I was 3 months pregnant with the boys but had no clue at that time that I was having twins. She told me she saw him one night about a month or so prior and he asked about me, he simply said she doesn't want to have contact with me and I don't know why. BS!! he knew why... I gave my heart and soul and he didn't want me, so eventually I'd cried enough and a year later began dating again. This is when I met my A, course then I didn't really know he had a problem until much later.
Can I tell you how good it felt to see him and be able to beam and glow because I was strong and moved on. I couldn't tell if it was jealousy or disapproval when I told him I was pregnant and with someone else. He was going to ask for my phone number before I told him I was pregnant. He gave me a big hug and wished me luck. I had the kind of closure that my HP wanted me to have, only as sick and obsessed as I was when we were hanging out I couldn't allow a healthy goodbye or closure. I think we both needed it because he and I were best friends. So hang in there girl. I walked my butt off, kicked boxed, went to the beach, weekends away. Whatever makes you happy do it for you, even if it hurts. You will thank yourself later, promise. Have a great day.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Jen, you are doing fantastic.....you caught on to the program much quicker than I did.....
About going to the cemetery, that's not weird! I do that too! I LOVE to walk around old ones, and think of all the love, and the lives that all those people lived. And the beautiful monuments are a testimony to love, I think. It is not depressing to me at all. It is very beautiful.
I drove to Cincinnati once to where my hubs grandma is buried, and took pics of all the very old angels on the headstones, totally awe inspiring.
Keep on with your 5 minutes at a time. Sounds like it is working.
Now, if only I could do that when I think about chocolate.......hmmmmmm!
A new day, the 5 minutes are getting LONGER! But that is all it takes, 5 minutes.
I am staying home all weekend. Next weekend I have a bridal shower/bachelorette party which will be all night, lotts of fun (I hope, if not I will make it fun) to look forward to.
I have decided NOT to date ANYONE right now, until I find MORE strength in myself and find out WHAT makes me so attracted to my A, NOT a healthy relationship, he treated me like absolute SH*T in the end, and I tolerated it, ME, if you knew me at all you would never believe someone could ever get away with even a moment of BS around me...something is wrong and it is deep there.
