The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just joined this message board the other day, thought I'd post an intro. I've already posted in the ACA board as well.
I am married to an A, for 13 years now. Hubby is getting worse, so of course I am feeling more and more desperate. Right now I'd like nothing more to just end this marraige but circumstances prevent it. I have two children who know their Dad is an A, but they love him of course. I'm so torn and trapped. I can't drive and haven't had a job since before my daughter was born eight years ago, so I'm in no position financially to leave him.
We live week to week and have no savings, no assets due to his spending about 400.00-500.00 per mo. on booze. He's gone through so many jobs the past few years that when he gets fired from this one, I don't know what we'll do.
I'm so sick of the lies, sick of being betrayed. I just got two books by Melody Beattie. I read a few pages of one, Co Dependant No More. The first chapter, Jennifer's story, is very familiar. She speaks of the "bitter rage", the depression, the helpless feeling that takes over your life.
Well, that's how I feel......I want out. I care for my A. deeply, I mean, I have known him for a long time now, but he's killed the love that I might have had. If I even really was ever in love with him to begin with. Being an ACA myself, I am drawn towards people with problems.
Hubby says (for the thousandth time) he's going to stop. He told me yesterday he went to one AA meeting. I don't know if I believe him or not. I've finally quit getting my hopes up only to have them smashed. He was drinking one of the about 9 bottles of beer when he told me about the AA meeting. He swore he hadn't bought any whiskey and explained the reason he was still drinking is b/c of the Memorial Day weekend. Yeah right. Always an excuse. "I had a hard day at work" or some lame excuse. I know that he needs to go to detox but he hasn't bothered to fill out his health insurance form for work, and they probably won't let him take that much time off since he just started that job Jan. of this year. It's hopeless.
I'm feel like I'm in limbo here. I'm just waiting to see when the bottom will drop out. I feel like the roof will drop on my head at any minute. It's not a nice feeling to live with. I know the marriage is over, he knows it too. He is always asking if I love him, and I have to say "of course" and it's a bitter pill to have to swallow. I want to add to the end of the sentence "only as a friend now" b/c that's all I feel for him these days.
What to do??? That's most of my story. I'm sure you guys can relate to it.
I think that we can all relate. Knowledge is powerful. Learning all we can about alcoholism and what we can and cannot do. And knowledge about helping ourselves because of the effects of growing up in an alcoholic family and marrying an alcoholic. You don't have to lie; your feelings are real. Take care of yourself. Take little baby steps in becoming more skilled and financially independent. I stayed home with my kids and basically turned the finances over to my A. I have gradually pushed myself to learn as much as I can. We have to learn to not just react to the alcoholic but to learn to live our lives for ourselves. Keep coming back.
I'm glad I took the first step by joining you all. What took me so long? LOL
I will most definately stay in the loop, but since I can only post when my A. is not home (he is always looking over my shoulder when I'm on the computer, or on the phone) and can't post when my kids come in the room (I don't want them to read what I really think) that limits my ability to be here doesn't it?
welcome, You're on the right track by coming here :)
Boy! did that all sound familiar!! I especially love the drinking beer is better scenerio, because it's not whiskey..lol Been there done that, only it was vodka instead of whiskey.
I had a standing joke here, when A would come home trashed I'd ask if the "project manager" was in town. That's one of the lame excuses he gave me for drinking while swearing he was done. Hmmm..Project Manager again and again.
And concerts that we attended...Well ya HAVE to have a few $5.00 beers at a concert!! Blah blah blah....
Work on YOU sweetie, cuz the attending AA stuff is all lip service to appease you, especially saying it with a beer in hand.. A wise Alanon member once said "watch the behavior".
What to do? Find a face to face meeting in your area. 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) . Just tell them your state and town, they will have listings of meetings in your area.
*when I got busy, I got better*
Keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am so glad you are here. I know that it has helped me greatly over the last month and a half that I have been here. It is amazing frankly.
I have also been with my husband for 13 years and know how it feels to see the disease progressing. The pain is often overwhelming and the fear is constant.
You need to do what everyone told me: "keep the focus on yourself." I know that it might be a little early into your recover, but I wonder if there is anyway you can work on getting yourself in a position to work again. I don't know your educational background. I do know there are plenty of programs and financial assistance that help women with children take courses at community colleges. You just need to go and talk to someone in financial aid. You could also start increasing your skills with an online class. That way you could have a lot of flexibility.
Plus, do you just not know how to drive or do you not have a car? Surely there is a neighbor, friend or family member who wouldn't mind taking you out to practice.
Warmest Regards,
Meredith
Anyway, these are just thoughts. Take what you like and leave the rest. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and you are not trapped. There is a way out.
You have received lots of GREAT advice today! And you will find support every time you find that opportunity to log on line. Every one here has obsticles they need to get over and you have yours. Take them one by one. That is what I have done and it seems to help. Get a game plan together. You need to decide what you want for you life.
Becoming more independent can never hurt any situation unless your AH views it has a threat (in that case, be SURE to keep your progress private). So start checking around about ways you can start saving a little money on your own. There all are kinds of ways, some can be extremely slow - like collecting change from around the house, left over from purchases, etc. - but any improvement is better than none at all.
Remember that you will always find support, love & plenty of understanding here. So keep coming back as often as you can. I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers. Keep your spirits up!
I have been thinking about getting more education. I went as far as high school before I gave up on.....I guess myself and started my first of the three relationships with A. boyfriends. The last one is my current hubby. I didn't have enough life experience to be wise enough to think "gee, isn't 7 mo. of dating this guy too soon to get married to him, plus I'm rebounding off a bad relationship in the first place"??
So out the door went higher education. I am self educatiing here, I'm a huge history buff. I would love to get some kind of degree in world/ancient/medieval history and ancient/medieval weaponry and warefare.
Although not many positions available for a degree of that nature, I'm sure...LOL
I can't drive due to the problem of being visually disabled........I'm not blind, but my central vision is blurred enough to prevent me from driving safely. Reading small print and trying to read words at a distance is almost impossible for me.
A. has ruled my life for a long time. I'm sort of scared to venture out w/out him for some reason. He is very jealous/possessive type who, if I even go down the street to visit w/a friend will show up five times to check up on me.
I don't think he'd lose it and hurt me (he never has laid a hand on me) but have been comteplating the possibility due to his desparation is much more then mine. He has stated he'd kill himself if I ever tried to leave him. (may be manipulation)?
Anyhow, taking the steps to get independant is not easy for me...........I'm such a loner to begin with.
As long as I have some contact here-thank God for the internet- I'm going in the right direction.
Times always seem so seperate when we are living them, until we really work the program. You keep coming back, journaling away your filth and you will find some serenity some day.
Please join us in chat and meetings until you find a local meeting. The link is in upper left hand corner.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
