The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I responded to a topic started by angelnomore yesterday, the subject was relating to FEAR
I immediately heard BELLS going off in my head...my soon to be ex-husband, who is not my A but he is an a'hole, once told me "Fear is a great motivator." He is right.
FEAR has motivated me to do the following....My FEAR of losing my A, who is also my addiction
question my faith in God, my interest in being a mother and an employee (these are all compromised when dealing with an active alcoholic)
change into a quivering, self loathing, shell of the woman I was just a few months ago
drink to get drunk just to spend time with my A
hang out with low life scumbags just to be around my A
tolerate verbal abuse and behaviors and complete rejection just to hang on to my A
look at every woman in the bar, that I am at with my A, who says HELLO to him as the enemy, she is not just saying HELLO she is saying "wanna f*ck?"
leave my kids (17 and 6) at home alone at 11:00 pm to drive 20 minutes away to pick him up once he has blacked out on Rum at his social security collecting, bum, pill popping drunken friends house so he wont drive home and has somewhere to sleep, OH this also keeps the women (who are in my mind, not real) from hitting on him or sleeping with him
tolerate liberalism, atheist/agnostic attitudes and my political, moral and religious views being laughed at
sex that can last and last, but HE can never climax, why? the booze!sex that is NOT gratifying because his body is so wore out from the disease he cannot perform and HE loses interest...then blames ME for it saying I dont turn him on because I voted for Bush twice, I am pro life and a conservative and I watch Hannity & Colmes
allow him to treat me and speak to me like a piece of trash, a nuisance, a pest and obsessed weirdo JUST so I can see his face and hear his voice
judge myself as a lunatic, a loser, a worthless nut and a terrible ugly undersirable disaster
FEAR of losing him forever - FEAR of letting him go for real - FEAR of what the future holds without my one true love in my life - FEAR of forgetting the love that was real, was ours and got destroyed by the evil of addiction HIS and MINE...I really believe FEAR is a great motivator.
My belief NOW is that the FEAR of what holding on to him, FEAR of being consumed by the love we shared and the FEAR of living with addiction HIS and MINE for the rest of my life, whether that is 4 hours or 40 years remaining is the FEAR that should be motivating me...
I hope this made sense, felt good to post it again.
PS...I am COMPLETELY giving up on the fantasy of that last face to face meeting and guilting him into an attack of his consience. I am just going to disappear, he is free, I am free, God bless us both and give us strength. May God touch both of us and show us our paths, keep us close to him and let us find peace.
I love your honesty with yourself and the group. Rigourous honesty is a great character trait.
I know that FEAR that you have. I FEAR a great deal myself, in the last week or so I've had some people knock me in the head and wake me up. Sobering reality (no pun intended)of where I stand with my A and myself. The things I fear I envite in my life. I envite it with projecting thoughts, dreaming of the worst things that could happen, except they haven't happened and they may never happen. I create such a pit of FEAR with in me that I begin to have anxiety over every little thing. I'm working really hard not to project and take one day at a time.
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real
You may walk through those FEARS and realize they have no power over you or your life. I have walked away from the love of my life, left a note and his things on his doorstep, I never went back. I was scared to death but I was also so unhealthy I couldn't sleep, eat, concentrate on my work, or even get out there and enjoy life. Walking away from that relationship seemed easier to me than walking away from an A, but I think if I have to eventually HP will give me the courage to walk again. Keep working it Jen, you are going to be fine.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
What an absolute revelation. Thank you for making me realise what i FEAR most, and what FEAR does to me. Youmade me sit and llist my own FEARS and the outcomes of these and i want to say thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!
I got home last night after having dinner with a friend who I met at an open AA meeting - he is 2 months sober. He made me realise that my A was an a'hole and treating me like a piece of sh*t stick to the bottom of his shoe that he couldn't quite get rid of. We split last night and all that was said was:
Him: (not nastily) where’ve you been?
Me: Marlow
Him: what for
Me: Dinner
Him: With?
Me: 'P' from your AA meetings, the one we went fishing with
Him: why’d you go with him?
Me: cos I saw him again yesterday, he’s a nice bloke and he took me under his wing at the meeting
Him: oh right…(I got into bed) Why are you going to those meetings?
Me: for me
10 minute silence while I read my book and text 'P' with to say I had a good night and my A watches tv
Him: we don’t really have a relationship do we
Me: not really, its not as if we enjoy each others company anymore
Him: (puzzled look) so…what shall we do about the house
Me: I dunno – have you thought about it?
Him: Not really
Me: Well we have 2 options, either I moved out or you move out, or we both stay
Him: well its not very healthy for us both is it
Me: no, to be honest I enjoy living here but cant afford to pay your share as well
Him: no, I know. I’ve been thinking about buying a house lately
Me: you told me last night you didn’t want to buy one [typical alcoholic behaviour]
Him: well I’ve been speaking to my dad about it the last few months
Me: ok
Him: ok
Me: are we done?
Him: (nods)
And thats it - our relationship is over - simple, controlled and non-eventful.
