The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Even though he is out of my home I still feel like I am enabling. He makes me feel bad for him, I know this is part of the con the game.
Since he can not drive right now he calls me for everything, take me to the Dr. take me to the dentist......I need to just say no....One day I actually did...but mostly I just do it..
He did hand over his pay check, so I went and bought him a few groceries....is this still enabling.......
He is not here although I still feel responsible in a way for him.....I don't want to see him fall off into death........
I know I can only save myself, is it crazy to still talk to him with affection and civility???? As long as he is sober.....
I am not trying to fix anything, I am absolutely sure of this. Accept myself that is....and that is a job......but I am taking baby steps and making small progress...I am happy with this.
After all it is not him I hate it is the addiction........
I know I have to take it slow and easy....one mintue at a time......I am working so very hard to accomplish this....
So I was just wondering....is bringing him groceries and taking him to the dr. still enabling.....afterall I was the Queen Bee of that.
Enabling is doing something for someone that they can do for themselves. Since he obviously can't drive he can't do for himself. But he could ask someone else besides you.
To me, when I don't want to do something and I find myself doing it...that's MY problem. It's not really about enabling. It's about ME.
Why do I feel responsible for a grown man? Why do I feel guilt? Am I looking within for the cause? Am I taking things on that aren't mine? Am I allowing manipulation? Or creating it? Am I being true to myself?
These are just things I would ask myself if it were me...
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks for your post. I've been in Alanon for many years, and I have found that it doesn't work to ask myself something like: am I enabling? Then, I only tend to be hard on myself, to misjudge everything I do. Instead, I find it is better for me to stop and take stock of my feelings. Also, I have learned that we do get better in Alanon if we do the work of the Program. For me, that work is taking many, many years. It doesn't happen instantly, but over time, by working the 12 steps, going to meetings, finding a good sponsor who will work the steps with me, I get better. And my life gets better.
So please be gentle with yourself. Do what you want to do because YOU want to do it, or don't do things YOU don't want to do. That means taking care of yourself, and asking yourself if this is what you want or don't want. We can't answer that question for you! Only you can do that!
Keep coming back. Your being here helps us with our program, too.
Tough call Andrea... "enabling" is best defined as when we are doing something for others that they can do themselves.... I would suggest that he is quite capable of getting his own groceries, etc., and perhaps once in awhile you might be able to help him get to doctor's appointments.... I also believe it is partly to do with his attitude, and your own, towards what exactly is enabling behavior, and what is not.... If he is "guilting you" or expecting you to do such stuff, then I would be very wary.... If you are choosing to help out a person in need, particularly for things they can't reasonably do themselves, then it is quite another thing. One thing we always have to remind ourselves, is that the A's must have and feel consequences for their actions.... If he has lost his license due to a DUI, then it likely isn't allowing him to bear the full burden of his consequences, if you are his personal taxi service.
Like most things, it's a matter of degree... Hope that helps
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Enablers are defined as "people who prevent the alcoholic/addict from experiencing their consequences of their disease"
enablers are pragmatic people ( busy, meddlesome)
The time frame of recovery is on their terms and not that of the addict. The addict may be in recovery before the enabler or vise versa. It all depends on the enables recognition of their own problems.
Glad you are trying to recognize potential problems in your life. Keep up the good work.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I can't add much more to what these wise and insighful people have said. It's hard to turn away from someone you love, eventhough you know it is for their own good.
The next time he asks you to do something, stop and take a breath. Maybe tell him you'll get back to him because you have to check your schedule. That way you're not forced to make a decision immediately. You can step away from for a few minutes or hours and really think if you want to do it, and why you want to do it.
Be gentle with yourself dear friend. Baby steps. Progress not perfection. You're doing just fine.
Love and blessings to you my friend.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipes Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I was told, "when you do something for others that you don't want to do, you are practicing self hatred." That is pretty powerful stuff. But it helped me a lot..We are the ones we forget about, timidly struggling with whether or not to do things for them..all the while forgetting about ourselves. Babies are immeasurably happy, not the least concerned about who wants what; its their world and they love the wonder of it. I could learn from babies, but I need to tell you, I have learned from you and so many other sweet people here..especially when you write your experiences, and they sound so much like mine. Take some time for you Andrea, love your quiet time, and your love will grow. Let your heart be your guide, not your head...
Gotta get quiet to do that..."Be still, and know," said our buddy.
