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I had a very unusual experience today. I had a deep insight into myself.
I'm so tired now, it is hard to recall all my thoughts from this morning. I've been through so much today, all the relationships I touched on and places I had to go to, all the feelings and thoughts wore me out.
I was in a weekly family (not patients) group meeting at a recovery center this morning. I was listening to new people introduce themselves and give a feeling word or two. Explanations, questions. I heard a recollection about a mother feeling guilt and regret. I thought about how we were all wishing our loved ones would recover. I thought about what was not said: that we dread when it will happen again, when the ground gets pulled out from under us and we confront the trick of our expectations again. And as I thought about that I had that experience of despair right then, and strong.
Then I thought this:
I do what I do because I do not want to have that deep despair again. I have been rejecting that part of myself, those feelings -- invalidating it, running from it, pushing it out of my sight. All this spinning and twisting and turning away of things, at the bottom of it is my dread of those terrible feelings. My fixing, arranging, rescuing, arguing, spending, driving, guilting, joking, criticizing, yelling, was not for the benefit of anyone else, it was to not have those feelings again. Thought I could help others, I thought my intention was generosity, but it was fear.
When I think of the bad sensation -- that poisoned feeling, so intense -- I cannot accept it as myself, but it is myself. Without that part of me I cannot be whole.
My feeling of despair told me all this. It is not meaningless suffering. I cried a lot today. Bittersweet.
I am can absolutely relate to your post. My wishes for sobriety, if I am honest with myself, are only partly about my AH. I can remember the last time he was in rehab and my begging him to stay on there. They had a 4th phase part of the program that he could have stayed in and worked etc. I thought it would be a great idea, he could continue to work on his sobriety in a place that was seeming to work for him, a safe place. I know that I really did think these things, and believe them, but in honesty, I also wanted him there as some sort of insurance policy for sobriety. And then I would not have to worry, I would not have to go back to that place in my head that I do not want to go to. The fear, of myself and my actions, thoughts and feelings were as much a driving force in what I was saying to him as my hope that it would help him. Well, he did not stay, did come home, did pick up and then 4 months later was hospitalized. That was 5 months ago today, we have been separated since and he has been sober since. (ironic, probably not) One thing that has been quite different is that this time I have begun to get honest with myself, (not an easy thing) He would love to come home. Says, "Just say the word", I cannot say it yet, I want to, but cannot not. Fear of going back to that place in my head stands in the way of that. It is not all about him, it is not all about whether or not he is drinking, it is about me and how I react to it all. My disease is my obssession, my reactions, my thoughts...and yes, if I am being honest with myself, my disease is fear... the exact thing standing in my way of making a decision, so I guess that puts me back at step 1, ( this disease is winning, it is still stopping me from doing what I know in my heart I want to do )
Wow, I did not even know that I was going there with my thoughts. Pretty powerful stuff when I just sit back and let my HP do the thinking for me. Thanks for posting....thanks for your honesty, and allowing me to see some of my own.
Hi Confused, I like your handle, ‘Confused’. Ya know, if you know you’re confused, then you are not… I figure.
I think it is so neat that you know that most of what you have done for man addicted to drugs like alcohol was for you. What is so neat about that is being the only one you can change is you. So the more you know about you the more you can change. Interesting enough, the more you change, the more the significant other will change as she/he will have a new person to react or act to differently; that is if they stick around, of course. Growing forward might mean leaving your significant one behind and that could scare the hell our her or him.
Despair is an awful,just horrible feeling.I have felt it and I can understand trying to avoid it no matter what.I have known for a long time that the whole dynamic behind what I do as a codependent person is fear.Fear of what might happen if I don't do this or that.Fear of being out of control.My life has been ruled by fear for so long.It is not a good way to live.That is why the 3rd step is so important and so powerful.It's very hard for me to let go.Even to let God.
So how can we apply the thought that all of our misery comes form within ourselves,not FROM others as we talked about? I mean,we would not have to have this fear and dread and despair if it were not for the alcoholics we love? Isn't it true that if we were surrounded by caring,loving,thoughtful,kind,people without any addictions we would be free from all this?The fear that has ruled my life was planted in my childhood.Fear that my A father would hurt my mom during one of their fights.She was my only security,I could'nt lose her.
Yes, the despair and fear is part of you,no doubt.It feels bad but it is just a feeling.As is joy and peace and contentment.
You are definitely healing! Awareness begins healing.
Thanks for the post.As always your posts challenge me to think.
I am grateful for your reply. I've only just read your note, and I want to take time and appreciate and respond to the others too.
"...I also wanted him there as some sort of insurance policy for sobriety." Indeed, exactly. Where do they sell those!?! (I'll take 2, just in case.) That phrase nails it on the head.
When my wife went into her current recovery program 3 weeks ago, I noticed how calmly I'd handled it and all the events over the last 6 months leading up to it. I mentioned to my alanon sponsor that I was suspicious, was I denying my true feelings? He said, "You can relax, she's in a safe place." I had a natural moment in a conversation visiting my wife were I mentioned this, too. She said, with a friendly smile, "Of course, I'm out of your hair!". Both those comments were true and were about the same thing you articulated.
"I know that I really did think these things, and believe them..." I know there are other people who have been abused such that they do wish harm on the other person. That is not how you and I feel, we truely do wish them well, wish them "to get better" from the disease. I didn't say so in my original note, but I'm grateful you brought that up and gave me the opportunity to say it out loud.
"Just say the word", I cannot say it yet, I want to, but cannot. In the context of your note, that is a profound point to contemplate. What if the table was turned? What if it were he who was conscienously dealing with his problems and you wished to come back, but he said, "I'm not ready, I'll probably drink and abuse you if you move in again."?
You and I are afraid of how we'll abuse ourselves again (deer in the headlights syndrome) and act out dysfunctionally again, in fact making things worse for them too. Are they ready enough with their own struggle to accept our struggle too? Have they found any of the Steps and the AA Community of support and the example of their Sponsors, so that when we do the unpredictable, or the predictably wrong thing, they'll have the strength to hold their own seat and not be knocked over? Kind of funny to look it that way, huh?
For Alanons, what is the substance we abuse? I think many AAs, focusing on their work (or not), think Al-anon is still about the AAs, like it's some sort of hand-holding club for the family and friends that "does 12 steps" but where's the substance we can't get off of? I think many alanons, myself included, have to come to see we have a separate addiction from "being addicted to our qualifiers". How many times have I shared and listened to other shares about work or children or friends, our behavior that does not involve our qualifier? The qualifier is a magnetic focal point for our addictions, but they are not our addictions. We have all kinds of addictions and dependencies that come from exactly the same places as AAs', NAs', etc., addictions -- painful self-examination. We do what we can to not have that part of ourselves (my insight yesterday), to not have to experience what we reject in ourselves. That's pretty strong substance: any relationship, anybody.
We're all walking around like half a person looking for the other half. -- Ven. Robina Courtin (http://www.lamrim.com/venrobina/index.html)
Over a year ago, after her first 28-day stint (my first, too) and less than a month later had that drink, I had the rug-pulled-out shock that finally sent me to alanon and the road to recovery. But how can one expect to overcome a lifetime of habit worn in deep grooves. We have to turn it over, can't do it alone -- no matter how big, or how compassionate, my ego is and thinks it CAN do it alone!!!
My little, sensitive ego is just one part of me, I have to put down the barrier I've imagined all my life between what I thought was me and was not me. I want to have my grief enable my gratitude, my despair enable my faith, and my fear enable my joy. For me, that is the beginning of experiencing the bigger life my HP holds out.
"...So the more you know about you the more you can change. Interesting enough, the more you change, the more the significant other will change as she/he will have a new person to react or act to differently; that is if they stick around, of course..."
My A has remarked that I seem different, especially since summer, and she's finding it helpful. She thinks I'm less reactionary and angry, and that it has helped her to focus on her complicated goals. But it can be misleading for me -- I was a big one for doing HER recovery for her and not getting the expected results, if you know what I mean!
I heard in a recent meeting that "You can't change it if you're not aware of it." What I'm tending toward more and more each day is to focus on changing the way I see things, especially my idea of myself, expanding it to include more of my experiences. When I have painful experiences I habitually do almost anything to stop the pain and avoid them in the future -- often misguidedly so, including caving and enabling my A (in other words, Making Things Worse). I now think of that as "disowning" my experiences, and therefore disowning big parts of myself! The opposite of "wholesome"!
So if I am sensitive enough now to catch myself from acting against my better judgement, then I can act differently rather than react with habit. That makes sense, right? That means just sticking with yourself when you can barely stand not acting out or escaping.
Lately this has gotten me much better "other" results -- I mean with those people around me -- but I've gotten the best results on the inside. Not perfect, but I can begin to see living with myself and getting through it when I'm in a bad mood or being put on the spot (deer in the headlights syndrome).
And I'm much more emotionally tolerant of my A because I recognize in myself how hard it is for anyone to change some of these lifetime habits.
I gave myself all the room I wanted to stretch out and see how the first 3 Steps, especially 3, could be brought into my life. After nine months it worked out so naturally to a point of completion for me that I calmly realized it was time to work Step 4! And I'm very enthusiatic about that, even got myself a very good sponsor (much gratitude about that)!
I know that we should all consider our step work "work-in-progress" and not regard it as a test to get the "right answer". But I have a great estimation for the first 3 Steps. Some people trivialize them, I've even heard "If you've gone to more than one meeting, you've gotten the first 3 Steps", and I know what they mean. But for me, there's been a great richness added to life, to my experience of each moment now, because of these steps done in depth -- like really, really getting into all the ways of enjoying, making, presenting, cleaning up from, saving left-over, having left-overs, sharing, and rolling around on your tongue, chocolate cake! Maybe because I was starting at Zero religious background...?
Anyway, I also wanted to respond back to the other part of your note...
So how can we apply the thought that all of our misery comes form within ourselves, not FROM others as we talked about? I mean,we would not have to have this fear and dread and despair if it were not for the alcoholics we love? Isn't it true that if we were surrounded by caring,loving,thoughtful,kind,people without any addictions we would be free from all this?The fear that has ruled my life was planted in my childhood.Fear that my A father would hurt my mom during one of their fights.She was my only security,I could'nt lose her.... Yes, the despair and fear is part of you, no doubt.It feels bad but it is just a feeling.As is joy and peace and contentment.
If you could find a life where you were surrounded by caring, loving, thoughtful people without any addictions, you'd still have to experience sickness, aging, and death. It's taken me the last year of my life to see it, but I don't think any more that the help we seek through the surrender of the Steps is to change our circumstances. (We might be overwhelmed sometimes, and then you must change your circumstances if you can. But never beat yourself up about it!) You know there will always be the potential for fear, grief and despair. What we can learn to do is regard it in a wholesome way. (I'm really finding the word "wholesome" useful these days.) If we carry that ability and skill with us -- of accepting this is ourself in a tough situation -- we could potentially make it through the most uncomfortable situations without making it worse (reacting by habit to push the uncomfort away).
I want to strongly suggest to you and anyone else reading this (...eh, me too...) that we should allow ourselves room to make mistakes and to have regrets. By that I mean not giving up because we crossed ourself. When I slip I try to recall that is just how it is for my A when she slips, and then I have more compassion -- for myself and for her and for others. That's a good result, yes?
There are some Tibetan Buddhist slogans I like called "Lojong", which translates as "Mind Training" -- not in the cult brainwashing sense, but in the mental-athletics sense. There are 59 slogans and they go back to the 11th Century CE. I get a daily email of one random slogan, I then read my favorite teacher's interpretation about whatever was sent. Today was "Don't be consistent." Here's what I studied today. I think it very much relates to your question, "So how can we apply the thought that all of our misery comes from within ourselves"...
The next (slogan) is "Don't be so predictable," which has also been translated as, "Don't be so trustworthy." It's an interesting one. It's getting at how predictable we are, as everybody in the advertising world knows. They know exactly what to put on those billboards and those ads to make us want to buy their products. Even intelligent people like ourselves are sometimes magnetized by this propaganda because we're so predictable.
Particularly, we are 100 percent predictable in that if we don't like something we'll run the other way, and if we do like it we'll spend quite a lot of time and effort trying to somehow eat it whole. If someone does something nice for you, you always remember it and you want to repay their kindness. But if somebody hurts you, you remember it for the rest of your life and you always want to get revenge in one way or another. That's the meaning of this slogan "Don't be so predictable." Don't always react so predictably to pleasure and pain. Don't keep taking the wrong medicine for the illness.
From Start Where You Are : A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chodron,
If blaming The Other doesn't make thing better, then we better look somewhere else for relief! Don't keep taking the wrong medicine for the illness.
I feel like I'm healing. I do. I've been in a few tough situations in just the last few weeks and, although I caved one time on what I new better about, I am not overwhelmed and these things haven't "stuck" to me (no rumination for days and days).
Thank you for your thoughts and feelings. Love ya! -K
Don't keep taking the wrong medicine for the illness.