I have the urge to write a grateful post :)

15 months ago I crawled in to MIP chat on my knees. I didn't think I could stand one more day of living with alcohol. Kismetstrand and Mastiff welcomed me with open arms and talked to me until 4:00 a.m. (I even laughed a little bit by the time I left and will be eternally grateful for those 2 special people). They gave me the number for f2f's, but I just wasn't ready...baby steps
I always had an HP, but I felt HP didn't pay much attention to stupid people that lived/stayed with drunks.
I spent most of my time alone because A was either at the bar or passed out. My world revolved around my son.
I have friends but when they would call and ask me to do something I just didn't want to, I didn't feel like having fun. I guess I wanted to stay on the pity pot.

I was again urged by friends in MIP chat (thanks abbyal) to seek a f2f, I'd been going about 3 weeks. Abbyal kinda told me to get off my butt if I wanted changes..lol
Sooo..I mustered up the courage and began going to f2f. I found a home group and eventually a wonderful sponsor.

My life and world began to change.

I began to learn detachment. I knew my A was going to come home drunk every night....so I began to make plans to not be home. I knew I loved the man within and I also had screamed "I hate this, I hate you"!!
Why put myself through it? I met with my sponsor, I walked in the park, I found new parks with new trails. I started to make Alanon friends and go to dinner with them. I attended hockey games that an Alanon's son played in. I just plain found things to do, sometimes 5-6 nights a week.
A's reaction: I'd ALWAYS been here for A to come home to, no matter what. I could tell he was seeing changes, but just didn't quite know how to react or what to say. How could he react? He'd be passed out within an hour of getting home anyway.
I started hearing comments like "Well OK, uhm...what am I supposed to eat for dinner"? I just said "Oh, I'm sure you can rustle up something" and walked out the door with a cheery "See ya"!

I literally needed to physically detach. I wasn't good at keeping my mouth shut at all. Eventually, the things I was doing for myself gave me a new and better attitude and I was able to start staying home and detach mentally from his behavior.

As I worked the program, learned the tools and did the steps my life got MUCH better. I was able to build a life around me instead of other people, even though my
A was binging horribly and leaving work at 11-12 a.m. to drink the rest of the day away. He'd come home barely able to walk and talk, Lord knows how he drove. My son was making himself scarce too, he was taking tips from me. A's reaction was to buy our son an expensive Martin accoustic/electric guitar and a bigger amp then what healready had ($1500.00).
I thought maybe A was responding to our new actions, but he was still binging and his trying for attention seemed useless to him as Son and I continued to detach.

Almost a year to the day:
A was sick with bronchitis and did not drink for 3 days. He had been drowning in his disease for the best part of 20 yrs.
He began to detox at home, shaking and hallucinating. A spent a month in the hospital due to complications of detoxing. He had aspirated vomit during detox and had pneumonia. He came home after 12 days . He weighed 139.5 lbs and was very weak. One week later he went back to the hospital. His liver was not processing meds and he was in renal failure.
He lived through that somehow but it was very touch and go. It has been a very long and hard road for him

Now: My A is home, still recovering but doing well. On the 12th of this month he will have been sober 90 days for the first time in his adult life.
HP sometimes not only has to slap people to make them see the light , sometimes he has to kick their a**.
My A said while hallucinating he thought he was dead, he was convinced it was real. I don't think he was in Heaven. He did share that someone asked him "Was it worth it"?...and it was all in black and white.

I can't tell you the joy and gratitude I feel, for this program, for HP and his actions in both our lives. There is no fighting here and much laughter these days. My A (since he is feeling stronger) is getting involved in our lives again.
I find joy in the smallest things.
Today, A and son were both under the hood of son's car. I looked out my picture window at them and my eyes welled with tears. There they were together. My A shut the hood and gave son a slap on the back. I heard my son say "Thanks Dad" and gave him a hug.
Man, it just doesn't get any better then that!!
I watched that same boy at the age of 5 look out that window for hours, longing for his Dad to come home.

If you got this far, thanks for reading :)
Sorry this is so long, it's hard to compress 15 months in to one post.
I truly hope my story can offer some hope to those that have just come to Alanon.

I was told don't quit just before the miracle. I didn't quit and I know there has been a miracle in my life.

Christy
(Cjo)