The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have not seen my A in 2 days, he has been out of state for work, he got back in town late last night. He called me just a little bit ago, I told him I got off work in 2 1/2 hours, thought he would be excited, instead he told me he needs to get out of his apartment for a while, said he is going to (state park 40 miles away) go hiking. His cousin & uncle, both A's, live only a few miles from this park. I asked him if that was code for I am going to (names withheld) house and wont be able to come home because I am going on an all night drunk. He said no not necessarily, he would be back sometime this evening.
I am so angry. We have not been together in a couple of days. We have only been intimate once in the past few weeks. I miss him, he says he misses me, so what is the deal? I am off work in a couple of hours, so NOW he decides to get motivated to go "hiking"?
Should I call him and tell him what BS I think it is that he is just taking off to parts unkown even though he claims he misses me and he could be with me in just a couple of hours OR should I just go on with my day, sick to my stomach that he is again choosing this disease and drinking over me and pray to fall asleep early so I dont have to think about it?
Normally, I call him in a few hours, he ignores my calls. I leave a couple of voice mails, then eventually he calls me or sends me a text message appologizing for his drinking and calling himself a disgusting drunk.
I am right now calling him, it is driving me nuts, he still claims he is going hiking...I did not harrass him, but I really want to.
Please respond I feel crazy and there is noone around me to talk to me or reason with me or even to comfort me or kick my a**.
Jen, you and I really are on the same page today. My husband, who is not living with me at the moment while we figure some of this out, is out of state for work right now too. I don't plan on seeing him tonight, but I do belive he will call me. You say you are going crazy right now? I don't say this to be mean, but is it helping either of you? What I have found in my admittedly short time is that my AH really responds to my growing detachment. I respond to NOT making myself crazy about him. Depending on your sich, maybe you could ask to meet him for a picnic supper at the park? It is always so hard. I hope both of our situations get better! Hugs!
I am making plans for us tomorrow when I am off work.
I am inviting him to join me in a day trip. I am going to take us somewhere, dont know where yet, and that is even hard because he is on call 24 hours a day in his position. He has to drive an hour and half to get to (he is a railroad engineer) the yard just to actually work. We cannot go far and we cannot count on actually being together very long.
I know that this is not a realtionship I should feel willing to take on.
I love him, I love him, I love him....cannot give up.
I do not have an A husband but do have an A son who is married (now separated due to aism) It just struck me as something he would do to his wife.
I think when he answered with "not necessarily"....that says it all right there. He will use fishing alot and yes he would do some fishing but that was not the ultimate goal. I think one of the most important things I have learned from alanon is to "not have any expectations"! I use this with my husband too. He is not an A but if he tells me he is going to do something at home and I come home and I am expecting it to be done...and he decided not to do it...I am furious the rest of the night. I don't expect anything from anyone...especially A son. Then , I don't get soooo disappointed.
Just accept it as "it is what it is" and do something to take care of yourself tonight. Go to a meeting, read some literature and ask your HP to keep your mind on good things tonight. We can never expect an A to do what we think they should do because the addiction comes before anything else.
I'll be praying for you to have some peace through this night.
Oh, Jen, I understand. I tell myself so often that I might be better off to just cut the ties, but yes, I do love him so much that I can't do it. Am I wrong, I dont know. I hope that my HP will guide me to the right decision for me. I hope you have a great day tomorrow, whatever you decide to do! Best wishes for you both.
I have been with my husband for 8 years, 9 in August, and I lost count of how many times he has ditched me to go with some drug buddy of his, go find drugs, or something other than quality time. So....... What I learned to do is plan stuff for me, stuff I enjoy. So that way when he is off doing whatever, I am not sitting there obsessing over it. I am taking care of me.
Have you heard the definition of insanity? ------ Doing the same thing over and over agian expecting different results.
If something you did in the past didn't work for you, why do it again? For me, my "A" noticed more when I stopped yelling, crying, playing the poor me game. That got his attention. When I started detaching from him he didn't like that. Now I didn't detach to have him notice, I did it for me.
Hope you have a great evening.
Much love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Jen dear, you are only driving yourself batty worrying, fretting, and phoning. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING will come between an alcoholic and his drinking until HE decides to rid himself of addiction. Does the booze come before you? You bet it does. This is why you must not allow yourself to become sicker than he is by putting yourself through all this. Let him go with whom he must and do what he must. Scolding him or confronting him is not going to make the slightest difference. Yes, he'll feel bad for a while, and that's as far as it will go. This is how alcoholics are...they drink!
I am not asking you to give up on him, but I am asking you to take a realistic approach to what is happening to you. Through AlAnon you can come to discover that whether he drinks or not, you can be happy and serene. And remember...you did not cause this, you cannot control this, and you cannot cure this.
It's all so difficult. I know that. But there are people, both here and in AlAnon, who have walked in your shoes, and they are always willing to help and support you. I will keep you in my positive thoughts and prayers.
With deep caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I am a new member, so I do not know much to say except, the Al-Anon book the Courage to Change has really helped me see reality and given me strength, that's all I have to offer
Hello, jen, If you are still asking for advice, that means you really need to start working the Program. Working the program means going to meetings, finding a sponsor, and working the 12 steps. The 12 steps help us to find out what is really good for us, in your case, what is good for you. We don't give advice in Alanon. Giving advice is not helpful to all of us who are working our program. We are focused on what we need for ourselves! And that takes hard work! But we do relate to your dilemma, and we hear your confusion. Thanks for posting. I will keep you in my prayers. mebjk
It's great to go to a face to face Alanon meeting at times like these. Reading the literature, listening to tapes, going to meetings really helped me when I was with my sober A. What happens, is that it helps you begin to see clearly, you start to get some serenity, and the choices that you make begin to make sense, instead of just being "reactions" to the A's bad behavior.
Right now, you are in the middle of "reacting" to his alcoholic behavior, so your behavior is starting to look out of control. What you can control is your own behavior, and the meetings, etc. are really helpful with that. Also, you learn how to deal with things with dignity and grace. You might want to go to as many meetings as you can right now to help you get your balance back. Nothing is logical now, so trying to make sense out of it is futile. It's a baffling, cunning disease, not just for the alcoholic, but for those that love them. You can't win in the "logical" way.
