The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's C2C speaks of maturity. The writer recognises that when they first began their journey, their behaviour was very immature. It suggests that in taking inventory and considering what maturity looks like for us an an individual, we can work out our goals and how we can use al-anon to achieve them. It goes on to list the writer's personal "mature choices" that they are learning to make, such as asking for help when it is needed, admitting wrongdoing and making amends, forgiving self and others, living ODAT, and quite a few others- too many to list here without simply copying out the reading!
Maturity is a funny word; it's often used to shame people so I really like the way this is worded as a tool for self-understanding and to identify goals by exploring what "maturity" looks like to us. What a great reading. For me, in the early days, it was learning to act instead of react. I used to really fly off the handle and make things much worse for myself so using al-anon tools to learn to stop, breathe, talk to my HP and then act (or choose not to act) was groundbreaking and oh my didn't I feel grown-up when I finally learned not to melt-down every time I felt threatened, haha!
These days, I think maturity for me is about learning to not catastrophise when things seem to continuously go wrong but to have faith that just as things can go wrong, they can also go right. It's about learning to live in the moment instead of always trying to budget my time to either fill a projected need in the future or cover up a deficit from the past, and it's about self-forgiveness which is a work in progress but so important because I behave badly and very immaturely when I am full of shame, embarrassment or guilt. In just writing that, I can see what my current goals look like so, success, the tool is working!
How about others? How do you define maturity now, how are you using al-anon tools to develop it, and what insights, if any, does this give you into your own goals?
This is a great topic. Coincidentally , last night I was thinking about a parent-teacher conference from when I was in high school. I was also at the meeting and was humiliated when my Mom was told I was a "spoiled brat". That was so far from the truth and I was so insulted and let down by it. My goal at the time was to be removed from my crazy,dysfunctional home by acting out. In hindsight, I know I was just reacting to the craziness and alcoholism in my home,but in a very immature way. Sadly, I don't think my ways of coping and dealing ever changed that much,even in adulthood.
Maturity for me,now, is/would be, dealing and coping with things in an adult manner. It means not reacting by lashing out and trying to hurt others with words because I am hurting. And all the other things that from the outside may seem like or look like someone being a "spoiled brat".
I have been working on this and continue to work on it daily. Some days I do well and it feels good. Other days, it's like I am back to square one. Last night I knew I was acting like a "spoiled brat" and sent myself to bed at 8:30 PM just to get myself and my emotions under control.
I am a work in progress...continually. Progress not perfection and one day at a time,right?
I hope everyone enjoys their day!
-- Edited by SunnyFrog on Thursday 3rd of March 2022 09:14:12 AM
Thanks Youknowme for your service/ESH. I appreciate your point on how maturity can be used to shame people. Thanks to Al-Anon , I feel safe to admit that I am emotionally immature and grateful for the process/people who share tools to grow (up) and change. I have achieved more growth into adulthood through Steps 4 and 5 than all other teachings combined. As others have stated, I feel, deal, and heal. Grateful to have been guided to MIP.
Thanks YKM for this great topic and all the above ESH. Maturity has taken me years to achieve (progress not perfection!) because my FOO did now allow me to grow in a healthy way. I kind of got stuck in the ACOA mode (not from alcohol but from major dysfunction) and then two marriages to A's.
With a number of years in program, I can say that ODAT I become healthier and more mature. And by mature it means using all the tools available to me in alanon, and the more I practice, the better I become. Truly a miracle in progress. :)
